Today's Big Stuff 4.13.22

4.13.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 210 days until the midterm elections. A BS apology in Texas, Republicans just stop pretending they’re not racist and the Air Force makes us proud (the space force just makes us laugh).

Be advised: We use the word fuck a lot and it’s like the one thing we never misspell.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! Did you get sexier? More patriotic? Well, whatever you’re doing, we love it. Are we buttering you up because we’ve got some bad news? Well yes and no. No, because you are truly some super sexy patriots whose sexiness is only exceeded by your patriotism. And yes, we’ve got bad news but isn’t that par for the course these days?

We hate to break it to you, but we got vaccinated with serpent DNA, and now we’re part devil. Don’t act surprised. Y’all probably suspected for a while now. We just got the news from our doctor. This crazy sonofabitch…

Yikes. What can we say? Our insurance sucks. But yeah, we were pretty bummed to hear we’ve got Satan’s DNA coursing through our hot veins. We literally just beat our demon sperm addiction like last week. Don’t look at us like that. It tastes great and gives us a shiny coat. But yeah, so we’re part-satan snake people now. Part-satan snake people who are ready to kick some Republican ass and keep these goddamn lunatics far from the levers of power. Y’all with us? Just say sssssssssssss if so.

Note two: Herschel Walker is a walking disaster. Our instinct is to feel sorry for him because he clearly has some brain damage and there’s nothing funny about that. But he also wants to be in the U.S. Senate enabling fascism and there’s nothing funny about that either so fuck him. More: The Daily Beast

Note three: Mark Meadows has been removed from the voter rolls in North Carolina. So um when the hell does he go to jail? More: USA Today

Note four: Joe Biden just keeps putting amazing people on the federal bench. These last few years have been enormously frustrating, but this is some seriously good shit. More: NBC News

Note five: So we’ve pretty much avoided any and all mention of Hunter Biden’s laptop because we’re part of the liberal media conspiracy and because it’s fucking stupid. But we thought it interesting that the asshole who turned the laptop over to the feds is saying this shit. Also, has anyone asked him if he looks at pictures on all laptops he’s sent to repair? More: Washington Post

Note six: Someone tried to glue themselves to the floor in protest at last night’s Timberwolves-Clippers game. Y’all, we can find better protests than this. Ones that don’t make us all sticky. More: NO LINK

Note seven: So we uncovered the backstory here…

This is Muffin. Muffin was the sweetest dog who desperately wanted to be a racist cop. Her owners, Tammy and Dumbshitticus, said it was because Muffin was just from a different time, but we knew that Muffin was born in 2009. What Muffin really wanted was a wall and to not be sat on by Mr. Dumbshitticus. In the end, she got neither. She’s at the big MAGA rally in the sky now. Her soul is with white Jesus, but her body is stuffed and sitting on a table in the garage.

Note eight: We didn’t think we’d be able to stop laughing at the idea that Mike Pence thinks anyone wants him to run for president. Then that piece of shit showed up at Heather Hyers’s memorial as if he didn’t enable that death or the grotesque Trump comments that came after. Fuck that piece of shit. More: Independent

Note nine: This morning we read a thread about a gay family that was viciously harrassed on a train by some miserable scumbag who kept calling them groomers. So we went looking to see what elected Democrats are doing about this. Turns out the answer is not a goddamn thing. More: Vice

Note 10: A Virginia GOP chairman resigned after calling the Secretary of Defense the n-word. The hoods are off, y’all. More: The Hill

Note 11: These fuckheads in the Villages who committed voter fraud are getting off with community service. This is so fucked up we’re about to start screaming cuss words out the fucking window. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 12: The U.S. saw its highest death toll ever last year. So yeah, that ain’t great. More: ABC News

Note 13: Back to Virginia for a moment — remember when beltway political reporters told us Glen Youngkin was a moderate and we were like no he sure the fuck is not? Well we were right. More: Washington Post

Note 14: If you’re still watching Bill Maher, who appeared with Joe Rogan this week to bond over Wuhan Lab conspiracy theories, then can you explain to us why you’re ok with shit like this? More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: Trump’s White House lawyers are talking to the Jan. 6 committee today. Sounds big to us. More: CNN

Note 16: Back on Pence for a second, we’re not linking to this but he was asked by a UVA student what he would do if one of his kids told him they were gay. He said he’d look them in the eye and tell them he loves them and then he said marriage was between one man and one woman. Seriously, is it bad we kinda wish the Jan. 6 mob had gotten to him? More: NO LINK

Note 17: So yesterday President Biden went big and described what is happening in Ukraine as genocide. The press shat themselves, but Biden doubled down. And he was goddamn right to do so. More: NPR

Note 18: Speaking of Ukraine, Biden is about to go big with weapons to help. This is great news unless you’re a Russian soldier. But fuck them anyway. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Also, how fucking awesome is it that Zelensky captured the puppet piece of shit Putin was gonna install in his place? Seriously do not fuck with Ukraine. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Remember yesterday when we told you the New York lieutenant governor had been charged? Well he already resigned. Meanwhile Matt Gaetz is still breathing free air. More: New York Times

Note 21: Before we close today, we just wanted to say how much we’re gonna miss Gilbert Gottfried. Man, that guy was freaking hilarious. More: CNN

Note 22: Ok, SPs, we hope we didn’t miss too much, but we gotta get to the news! We love y’all, and we hope you’re having an awesome week.

Stuff your sorries in a sack

That dirtbag DA in Texas who charged a woman who lost her baby with murder now says oops sorry. The truly fucked up part? The DA is a Democrat. Yeah, sucks right? We really really really hope that the 26-year-old woman who had to go through this shit sues these monsters to hell and back and spends the rest of her days on a beach with as many kids as she does or doesn’t want. More: The Daily Beast

Wow

So the totally not racist Republican Party killed a vote yesterday that would’ve named a federal courthouse in Florida after the first Black man to serve on the state’s Supreme Court. Why did they kill it? Because he voted against school prayer once. Who led the charge? The assface who said Jan. 6 was just a normal tourist visit. Republicans have gone full on KKK and way too much of Washington is acting like it’s just business as usual. More: Esquire

Hell yeah

The United States Air Force is letting its people know that it will help families with legal and medical assistance if they get caught up in any of those fucked up anti-trans laws that have passed. They’ll also help them move to someplace that doesn’t suck. This is um pretty awesome and frankly unexpected. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

Mentions of Donald Trump have been rare at the first few trials for people charged with storming the U.S. Capitol, but that has changed: The latest Capitol riot defendant to go on trial is blaming his actions on the former president and his false claims about a stolen election. More: Huff Post

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