Today's Big Stuff 4.12.22

4.12.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 211 days until the midterm elections. Russia is going to attack our elections again (did they ever stop?), an American morning (mass shooting) and Trump’s coup is still ongoing.

Be advised: This newsletter uses fowl language. And questionable spelling.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we had a bit of a breakthrough here at TBS yesterday. Like we do every Monday, we were banging our heads on our desks until we passed out and when we came to, we asked ourselves out loud — Why does this all suck so much?

And then we saw a couple of tweets that gave us the answer…

And of course one from a former “Democratic” presidential candidate…

The first one made us roll our eyes. But taken together, we had a eureka moment. MORONS ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL AND THE FACT THAT IT’S THE DUMBEST MORONS IN HISTORY MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE.

Look we’ve known for a while that the people trying to wreck democracy and put us all in jail aren’t the sharpest tools in the tool holder thing, but what we finally realized is how insulting the whole fucking thing is. This fucking dunce is in the army that’s taking us out?

Like it’s not bad enough that these dumb motherfuckers are trying to overthrow the U.S. and turn us into a gross multi-headed love child of Florida and Russia (you just know that deranged fucker would look just like Andrew Giuliani). But we also have to hear and read the truly idiotic shit that comes across their tiny fucked up brains while they’re attacking us. It’s like being chased by an axe-murderer who keeps tripping on his untied shoelaces and screaming “The world is flat and drinking your own pee is good for you!” It’s like someone remade A Clockwork Orange with the Three fucking Stooges. We’re getting eaten by a werewolf and the goddamn thing keeps saying he’s going to eat you’re family to. It’s “your” and “too,” you dumb fucking werewolf! Ok. Thanks for letting us get that off our chests. Now let’s beat some idiots.

Note two: So inflation is up 8.5 percent, and that is really fucking bad. It’ll be even worse when the Fed decides to raise interest rates and causes a recession. But maybe hopefully they’ll see that it appears to be slowing and not do anything stupid. What we know for sure is that both Putin and the Republican Party are blaming Biden for this. Blame Putin and the pandemic and you’ll already be smarter than most. More: CNN

Note three: We’ll talk about the horror visited upon Brooklyn later in the news section. But in a different New York story, it turns out politicians can be arrested for committing crimes. Unless their last name is Trump apparently. More: CNN

Note four: Huge congrats to the University of Kentucky’s Rhyne Howard, the number one pick in the WNBA draft. The Atlanta Dream, who you might remember for taking down ex-U.S. Sen. Kelly Loeffler, got a star last night. More: ESPN

Note five: Oklahoma just made it a felony to perform an abortion. Susan Collins couldn’t be reached for comment because she was busy being the fucking worst. More: Axios

Note six: Marjorie Taylor Gross says Jan. 6 is no big deal because it only happened once. So far. More: Huff Post

Note seven: We’re not gonna link to it but Politico Playbook has a note today about how Paul Manafort is getting back into consulting. They talked to him, but they didn’t ask how he repeatedly fucked over the brave people of Ukraine to get rich. No, instead they let him use a quote about his experience giving “strategic advice.” Yeah, we don’t really have reporters anymore. More: NO LINK BECAUSE THEY SUCK

Note eight: President Biden is heading to Iowa today. Needless to say, we’re not doing great there as a party. More: Des Moines Register

Note nine: So there you were, thinking that Scott Baio and Kevin Sorbo are the shittiest scumbag pieces of shit wannabe celebs of all time. Or maybe you have no idea who they are. Regardless, don’t forget about this fucker. Or do. Everyone else has. More: Independent

Note 10: We stay out of primaries, but congrats to Florida guv candidate Nikki Fried on winning the endorsement of Bob Marley’s son.

Note 11: Virginia’s super moderate Trump asshole governor is going the other way. He wants more penalties for weed. More: Richmond

Note 12: We’re not real sure what to do with Democrats like Sen. Maggie Hassan who think the path to re-election runs through embracing Stephen Miller’s policies. Are we supposed to give money to this shit? More: WMUR

Note 13: Ron Johnson is the gift that keeps on giving. Like an STD. Yesterday he admitted that the tax cuts he voted for were great for him and his donors. We really need to beat this dude. More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Note 14: Tucker Carlson said he skipped the vaccine. That’s weird because we heard he had a little prick. More: NY Daily News

Note 15: Greg Abbott keeps messing with Texas. More: Texas Tribune

Note 16: One of those dirtbag cops who attacked other cops on Jan. 6 was convicted yesterday. Enjoy the clink, champ. More: NBC News

Note 17: LOL. For some reason Madison Cawthorn doesn’t want to debate. Might take away from coke orgy time. More: Citizen-Times

Note 18: Godspeed to these families taking on the bigoted trash of Alabama. More: NBC News

Note 19: Philly is bringing back its mask mandate. Are we noticing the pattern here yet? 6ABC

Note 20: Ok, you sexy sexy patriots (that wasn’t a typo; you’re just that sexy) let’s hustle on over to the news. We hope you’re having a great week and smiling knowing that your friendly neighborhood newsletter loves you very much.

Here they come again

The U.S. intel community believes that Russia might retaliate against the U.S. for rallying the world against Moscow’s shocking crimes by fucking with our elections again. They might even directly target our election infrastructure. But honestly, what can those sick fucks do to our democracy that Trump and his ilk aren’t already doing? Don’t answer that. More: Associated Press

We heart NY

Brooklyn, we love you, and we hate to see you in pain. But that’s the case today after there was a shooting at the 36th Street subway station in Sunset Park. Details are still coming in, but it appears that early reports of explosive devices turned out to be inaccurate. The shooting comes just one day after President Biden held a Rose Garden event to announce new regulations on ghost guns and a new nominee to be ATF director. Be safe out there, America, because America is a very dangerous place. More: CNN, NPR

Coup deux

Is it really part deux if part un never stopped? Also, we don’t speak French. Just cussin’. Anyway, that Eastman asshole is apparently still out there trying to overturn the 2020 election with Trump’s blessing. Yeah, our response to a bloody attempted coup was so fucking weak that the fuckers who did it never stopped. They’re starting in Wisconsin. Maybe this is the kind of thing Democrats should be fighting against. Has anyone seen Chuck Schumer? More: ABC News

Today’s clips

Some Republicans and far-right groups' attacks on voting rights and American democracy are making it harder for Black people to achieve racial equality, according to a new report from the National Urban League. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.