Today's Big Stuff 4.1.22

4.1.22

Happy Friday. There are 221 days until the midterm elections. Republicans want insulin to be expensive, a judge calls out Florida voting racism and whoa that’s a big jobs report.

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad language — the baddest fucking language you ever herd. We also have a lot of typos.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it. The weekend is upon us. But first, a cursed holiday to navigate.. Is April Fool’s Day a holiday? If it is, it’s the only holiday we really hate other than Flag Day. Don’t ask. It’s not even about the flag. It’s about what a flag did to our family. But we digress. Why do we think this day is cursed? The same reason real drinkers think St. Paddy’s Day is for amateurs.

This is the United States of America in the year 2022. Every fucking day is April Fool’s Day. How can we make pranks and jokes that are more insane than reality? Hey did you hear the one about Andrew Giuliani checking out his kid’s genitals? Oh wait that’s fucking real. Did you hear how DC reporters are buying there’s an innocent explanation for almost eight fucking hours of missing call logs from Jan. 6? Oh wait that’s fucking real. Like how the effing hell are we supposed to come up with something more absurd and fucked up than this shit?!

So yeah, we’re just gonna skip this tired shit and do what we always do — cuss about politics and make fun of the super fucking creepy Giuliani family. And if you really need an April fool, just take this dumb hateful mothefucker…

Note two: So the U.S. House of Representatives if voting to legalize weed, and that shit might even puff puff pass today. If it does, Congress is about to get a lot cooler. Of course it probably ain’t passing the Senate and Biden is like Nancy Reagan about it, but still, a big step in the right direction. More: CNBC

Note three: Can y’all believe it’s already April? Remember before the Trump era when time actually meant something?

Note four: You know how Ginni Thomas is crazier than a shithouse rat? Well it’s actually worse than you think. More: The Daily Beast

Note five: So you might be wondering what Democratic leadership is doing to respond to this shocking Thomas news? Well the answer is next to nothing. Schumer and Pelosi are both saying he should recuse himself and then doing absolutely nothing to make that happen. It’s yet another disappointing chapter from political leaders who think politics is beneath them. More: Business Insider

Note six: So yesterday/last night, Ukrainian forces attacked an oil storage facility IN RUSSIA. Yeah, not only are these badass sonsofbitches fucking up Russia in Ukraine, they’re not crossing the border to fuck up Russians at home. We’ll ask for the millionth time — why would anyone even think about fucking with Ukrainians? More: BBC

Note seven: Ben Shapiro and the rest of the seven dwarves are gonna take on Disney by doing $100 million in children’s entertainment. So basically it’ll just be the Teletubbies but closeted and self-loathing. NO LINK

Note eight: We’re probably supposed to be all angry and upset that Trump ripped off the photographer who took his picture while he was president. But we just don’t give a fuck. Work for Trump, he’s gonna screw you over. If people don’t know that by now, that’s on them. More: New York Times

Note nine: If you’ve been following the Russian war against Ukraine, then you’ve no doubt seen the work of this badass superstar. Godspeed, Terrell.

Note 10: How much of a joke has the Washington Post become? Today they’re attacking a student paper for not wanting Mike Pence around. It’s nice of the Post to teach those students that real big-time journalism is about kissing Republican ass.

Note 11: How many of y’all are keeping five fetuses at home? Yeah, us neither. Anything over three is just garish. Anti-abortion people can be such fucking nutjobs. More: CNN

Note 12: The U.S. Navy is going to name a ship after Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Hell yeah. More: CNN

Note 13: Ivanka Trump made hundreds of millions of dollars working in the White House, and on Jan. 6 she called the terrorists “patriots.” This is how the DC press responds.

Note 14: There are so many good shows coming out right now, but we have to recommend Abbott Elementary. It’s like the Office but in a poor Philly elementary school. Fucking brilliant.

Note 15: So yesterday we asked if Dick Durbin actually ran a savvy hearing or if he’s a wimp who just got lucky. The consensus from y’all was wimp who just got lucky. So we won’t be apologizing to Dick.

Note 16: Jen Psaki is leaving the White House for MSNBC this spring. She’s been amazing, and we’re damn sorry to see her go. We hope the next person tells Doocy to go fuck himself every goddamn day. More: Axios

Note 17: Oh look Joe Biden got a hostage released from the Taliban. Today Politico said his presidency had entered the “long slog” phase of his first term. It’s almost like Politico fucking sucks. More: CNN

Note 18: Good for Stephen Colbert for calling this shit out.

Note 19: Remember when Maggie Haberman wrote a story in 2016 about how Trump was a different kind of Republican when it came to the LGBTQ community?

Note 20: Kushner talked to the Jan. 6 committee for six hours yesterday. Trump must’ve been sweating that shit. More: NPR

Note 21: Ok, you brilliant beautiful lovers of liberty, let us to the news. Be careful out there today since it’s April Fool’s Day and all. If anyone tries to prank you, just tell them you’re an American and you’ve already been pranked by 74 million of the dumbest mothefuckers on the planet. Y’all have a great weekend. Love you!

193

That’s how many House Republicans voted against capping the cost of insulin. People literally need this medication to live and the House GOP is like fuck ‘em. Thank you to Democrats for pushing this as a standalone bill to demonstrate just how cruel and deranged the Republican Party is even if the beltway media refuses to see it. More: NBC News

Florida, man

A federal judge has struck down parts of Florida’s new voting laws because they suppress Black votes. The judge even brought back preclearance, requiring Florida to get court approval if it wants to change voting laws. He also called out SCOTUS for gutting the VRA. We like this judge. And that’s how we know this shit will get overturned on appeal, and the governor who started his term by implementing a poll tax will continue to get away with this shit. More: NPR

HELL YEAH

We’re ending this week on a super positive note. HOLY SHIT WHAT A JOBS REPORT!!! The U.S. economy added 431,000 jobs last month, bringing the unemployment rate down to a pandemic low of 3.6 percent. And let’s be honest, 3.6 percent is fucking fire even without a pandemic. This means we’ve now gotten back 93 percent of all jobs lost during the pandemic. 93 fucking percent!!! Mr. President, you’ve had a helluva week. Let’s celebrate this shit! More: CNN

Today’s clips

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis on Thursday signaled support for stripping Disney of its 55-year-old special status that allows the entertainment company to operate as an independent government around its Orlando-area theme park. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.