Today's Big Stuff 4.11.22

4.11.22

It’s Monday. There are 212 days until the midterm elections. The Saudis went to Jared, some serious bullshit in Texas and a belated yet nonetheless important celebration.

Be advised: We got the glitches fixed, but we forgot to clean up the language and the spilling. Fuck.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are back and we are ready to rock and roll until our fucking faces melt off or democracy dies or whatever. That’s right. We’ve got that crazy look in our eyes and we are ready to get absolutely pig-fucking nuts for freedom and American democracy. And honestly, we might be nuts because democracy is looking like a goddamn Dodo bird on a driving range.

Now we’re not qualified or smart enough to give you an expert opinion on French politics. We’re way too busy being experts on viruses and wars and sports and American politics. If you don’t believe us, just check out our twitter feeds. And honestly we can’t even be good fake experts on French politics because we’re still pretty much in shock that 74 million of our fellow Americans are in a psycho killer dumbfuck gameshow host cult. What we can say with certainty is that French presidential politics seem to be a lot like American presidential politics in that they’re scaring the living shit out of us.

Anyway, if you’re a French voter and you’re reading this well that would just blow our sexy minds. But also, vote for Macron. Yeah, he’s kinda of a buttwipe, but he’s way better than a President Marjorie Taylor Greaux. Get it? Like Gross?

Note two: Oh also, have an awesome fucking week, Sexy Patriots! We’re so sorry we had some technical difficulties last week, and we really appreciate some of y’all checking in on us. The rest of you were probably just busy or something. It’s ok. We understand. Seriously though, we love doing this newsletter and we’re damn grateful to y’all for joining us. There’s strength and comfort in numbers. And as long as it’s raining shit, we’ll need both. Love y’all.

Note three: Wait. They said the cops who pushed that old man to the ground and made him bleed from his head did nothing wrong?! Well that’s fucked up. Remind us to stay the fuck out of Buffalo. More: Buffalo News

Note four: This story isn’t even the one we were talking about when we said there’s some bullshit going down in Texas. It’s pretty amazing how that’s basically a Taliban state now and the beltway media just hasn’t noticed. More: Texas Tribune

Note five: The Trump administration probably stole a bunch of gifts that were given to them by foreign governments. Duh. It’s kinda their thing. More: CNN

Note six: So the reports coming out of Ukraine are nothing short of shocking. Putin and his monsters are somehow ever more evil than we thought possible. Here’s some light to counter that darkness. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Russia is in default on foreign debts now. This is what Republicans want the US to do every time there’s a debt ceiling fight. They really do have a lot in common. More: CNN

Note eight: Here’s how Joe Manchin completely fucked American democracy. More: Rolling Stone

Note nine: Trump endorsed Dr. Oz. Honestly, the guy was on tv so yeah of course Trump endorsed him. He’s still asking for Matlock to be his lawyer. More: The Daily Beast

Note 10: Oh what the fuck, Iowa Democrats. More: Des Moines Register

Note 11: This story is horrifying. Remember when Tim Scott torpedoed police reform? More: STL Today

Note 12: Looks like Alabama is trying to secede again.

Note 13: At least CNN is still talking about Ginni Thomas. Has anyone seen Democratic leadership? More: CNN

Note 14: Speaking of CNN, we really don’t say enough good things about our friend Jim Acosta who is calling out bullshit everywhere he sees it. Thank goodness one reporter in DC has the guts to take on Tucker Carlson. More: CNN

Note 15: So the NYT is reporting that the Jan. 6 committee has proof that Trump committed crimes but they’re divided over whether to made a criminal referral to the DOJ. A couple things here — yes, our party is probably fucking this up, but no, we shouldn’t believe the people who buried the news in the next note. More: New York Times

Note 16: Yeah, this fucking story which should be fucking everywhere. More: CNN

Note 17: Trump told a crowd this weekend that he’s the most honest person ever. LOL. Ok, let’s try this out. TBS has never cussed. Nope. Not one fucking time. Not once in our whole goddamn motherfucking four year existence have we uttered so much as a fucking f-bomb. Shit. Fuck. Shit. See? That felt good. We’re ready to be really shitty presidents now. More: Independent

Note 18: Andrew Giuliani says he wants to bring Don’t Say Gay legislation to New York. Sorry, bro, they’re way too busy not saying Giuliani. More: Mediaite

Note 19: LOL. The Republican Party is really going all in with the whole let’s-raise-taxes-on-the-middle–class thing. Good luck, guys. More: Dispatch

Note 20: We have no idea what Elon not joining the board of twitter means. We’re hoping he goes away quietly. But we fear he loves twitter the way Putin loves Ukraine. Guess we’ll all stay tuned. More: CNN

Note 21: Ok, you badass beauties, let’s get our hot asses to the news. We hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. Let’s go!

Weasel for sale

Six months after leaving the White House, Jared Kushner got $2 billion from the Saudis. Yeah, we’re talking about the same narrow asshole who helped cover up Jamal Khashoggi’s murder. And here’s the crazy part — even the Saudis were leery of getting involved with the corrupt fuckhead they were already involved with. But sure, please tell us more about Hunter Biden. More: New York Times

What the fuck?!

So this is really messed up. A woman in Texas was arrested and charged with murder after a “self-induced abortion.” She was held on $500,000 bail. The DA announced over the weekend that he’s dropping the charges but it’s pretty obvious this is where Texas and the rest of the country are headed. We hope she sues the everliving hell out of these neanderthal shitheads and the rest of us better wake the hell up or this world is coming for us all. More: USA Today

Woohoo!

So because we took off last Friday, we didn’t get a chance to say something about our incoming Supreme Court Justice. Huge congratulations to soon-to-be Justice Jackson and her amazing family. We’re not gonna talk about the scum who tried to steal our joy or the weaklings who almost let them. We’ll just say the celebration at the White House last week was a wonderful moment and a powerful reminder of what we’re fighting for. Congratulations, Judge. More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden will announce a new firearm regulation Monday meant to contain the use of privately made weapons, senior administration officials said, as he comes under pressure to take more steps to address a national crisis of gun violence. More: CNN

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