Today's Big Stuff 3.8.22

3.8.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 245 days until the midterm elections. Biden takes an expensive gamble on gas, the U.S. will finally outlaw lynching and Republicans take a couple of big Ls on redistricting.

Be advised: This is a cussin’ newsletter that sucks at spelling. We’re pretty good at the nuws part though. Well shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s one of our favorite days of the year! It’s a day when we celebrate women everywhere and make fun of one who really sucks. We added that second part, but it’s International Women’s Day and it’s a day to show some goddamn respect to the people who make this world go round while dudes are stinking up the joint and humping street signs and peeing everywhere. This IWD, we want to salute the women of Ukraine, who are basically NBA all-stars of badass women. Seriously, have you seen this awesome shit?

Yeah, Putin must’ve gotten the idea to fuck with these women on International Dumber Than Dogshit Day. He should’ve just stuck his pecker in an electrical socket. It would’ve been smarter and less painful and fewer people would be making fun of him.

We’re in awe really. Like we’ve known strong women our whole lives. We were raised by them. And we seriously don’t know how to say enough positive cuss words about how humbled we are by the women we know and don’t know.

Except for one. Yeah, that fucking idiot that Trump sleeps down the hall from (no, not Ivanka) just had to remind everyone how goddamn dumb and shady she is. We’re talking of course about Melania. Yeah, the birther trash who used to call herself first lady decided to commemorate today with another bullshit NFT scam.

Did y’all read that silly shit?! Seriously, lady, if you’re that broke, learn to play a fiddle and we’ll throw nickels and cans of soup at you when we pass by. Can you imagine the endless fucking humiliation of marrying the world’s worst human for money and then still having to beg for money in front of the whole world? It would be sad if it happened to someone we didn’t hate.

So women everywhere, thank you for fighting for us, saving us and just generally putting up with us. Except Melania. She can eat a big bag of hog shit.

Note two: Don’t look now, but Biden’s approval numbers are showing some life. Last week we had NPR/PBS put him at 47 and today Politico, which you know we ain’t linking to, has him at 46. Let’s go, Brandon!!!

Note three: James Comey had an oped in yesterday’s WaPo. We’ll share it with you just as soon as we get done cutting off one of our own buttcheeks and eating it.

Note four: Btw, he’s not a woman, but has there ever been a bigger badass on the world stage than Zelensky? That man is making our own politicians look like the biggest chickenshits in the world. Though they do a pretty good job of that themselves. More: New York Times

Note five: Democrats are actually going after the scumbag piece of shit lawyers who tried to overthrow our government in service of a dim-witted gameshow host. More: Axios

Note six: Hey so um seriously why the fuck hasn’t Mark Meadows been arrested? Will it help if we tell the cops he’s a Black woman? More: Washington Post

Note seven: The Jan. 6 committee is going through the Trump White House visitor logs. Say a prayer for the staffer who has to go through all those Dominos delivery guys. More: Huff Post

Note eight: If you pray, please pray for Brittney Griner. More: CNN

Note nine: Mitch McConnell wants kids to go hungry. Seems easy to message right? This is actually a welcome change from McConnell who used to live in a house made of candy and fattened children up before eating them. More: Common Dreams

Note 10: What are Republicans? This. This scum right here is what Republicans are. This is why we don’t sit out elections. More: WXYZ

Note 11: So this is a big one, and we’re going all caps for it. FUCK DISNEY. FUCK WALT DISNEY. FUCK MICKEY MOUSE AND MOTHERFUCK GOOFY. Sorry. We love MM and we really love Goofy, so this isn’t easy. But until those motherfuckers take a real stand against anti-LGBTQ bigotry in Florida, they can fuck right off. More: CNN, Variety

Note 12: You know how Republicans keep acting like Jan. 6 was no big deal? Well even more cops were injured than we previously thought. So those Republicans can burn in hell. More: CNN

Note 13: If it hadn’t been International Women’s Day, we were going to a lengthy profane diatribe about the many different ways the Florida Surgeon General is a fucking idiot. He’s recommending against children getting the COVID vaccine. Yeah, apparently he thinks they should just snort some ground up unicorn horn and be good to go. What the effing fuck is happening in Florida?! More: CBS News

Note 14: So we’re not even gonna bother to update y’all on those fucking truckers anymore. They’re dumb, they’re weak, they’re selfish and they’re not very good at this whole convoy thing so we’re gonna do what their ugly parents did and just forget they exist.

Note 15: Chuck Grassley yesterday floated delaying Judge Jackson’s SCOTUS hearings and to our surprise and delight, Dick Durbin didn’t go along with it. Oh and law enforcement is lining up to endorse her because she’s really fucking qualified. More: Associated Press

Note 16: So not only do reporters look dumb trying to help Bill Barr rehab his image, but it’s also really shitty teevee that nobody wants to watch. More: Raw Story

Note 17: Andrew Cuomo seems to think he’s making a comeback. Well not in this fucking newsletter. More: CNBC

Note 18: Holy shit thank you, Ron Johnson. He’s like the gift that keeps on giving. Or like herpes. Or both. Regardless, that dumb fuck is now saying he wants to repeal Obamacare if Republicans retake the Senate. Keep talking, Ron!!! More: Washington Post

Note 19: Y’all see Psaki give Doocy the business yesterday? The Doocy family crest must be a dude eating shit for funsies. More: Huff Post

Note 20: Ok, SPs, to the news section! We hope your week is off to an awesome start, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Happy IWD!

Here we go

President Biden has announced that the U.S. will ban all oil imports from Russia. Basically he was cornered into doing this by weak Democrats on Capitol Hill and Republicans who are eager to blast him when gas prices go even higher, which they will. And they will. This looks like a trap to us, but we are all for sticking it to Russia however we can. But this can’t be normal Democrat shit where we do something and then let Republicans and the New York Times tell Americans what it really means. No, we’ve got to make clear that we’re all sacrificing for the people of Ukraine and the people of the rest of the free world. More: Associated Press

Sorry, Rand

The United States is finally outlawing lynching. Yeah, it’s about fucking time. Yesterday the U.S. Senate passed the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act of 2022. It would’ve passed two years ago, but Rand Paul blocked it. Apparently his little scummy ass got some changes made that he was happy with. The bill, which three Republicans voted against in the House, now goes to Biden’s desk to be signed into law. Tom Cotton must be furious. More: CNN

SCOTUS? More like shocked us

LOL. Made us laugh. But yeah yesterday the Supreme Court denied Republican requests from Pennsylvania and North Carolina over court-drawn voting maps for congressional districts. While the scary members of the court used the occasion to push really scary theories about voting, Marc Elias and his team prevailed, and now Democrats in those states will have a fair shot at real representation. There is plenty to worry about down the road, but for now we’re just celebrating a couple of dubs. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

More than 500 students participated in a massive walkout Monday at Winter Park High School in Orange County, Florida, in protest of the "Don't Say Gay" bill currently being considered by the state Senate, according to walkout organizer and high school student Will Larkins. More: CNN

President Joe Biden on Tuesday will travel to Fort Worth, Texas, where he is expected to meet with veterans and discuss a newly proposed federal rule that would add certain rare respiratory cancers to the list of disabilities that are considered to be connected to military service. More: CNN

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