Today's Big Stuff 3.7.22

3.7.22

It’s Monday. There are 246 days until the midterm elections. Wow Bill Barr is even more pathetic than we thought, the vice president goes to Selma and Mark Meadows should be in jail.

Be advised: We cuss a lot and spell stuff wrong, and we apologize for noither. Fuck.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you? You know, aside from sexy and patriotic. It was another weekend of soul-shitting bad news, rays of good news and just general goddamn cowardice and stupidity from the Sunday news shows. You might have seen headlines about things Trump was saying in speeches, or the dumbfuck convoy on CBs or even the Pope tweeting about journalists. Well, here at TBS, we’ve got the edits they didn’t want you to see, and they’re just as fucked up as you’d expect. Maybe more.

You probably heard Trump said this:

Yeah, it’s beyond idiotic. But it got worse. Here’s the transcript from the edited section:

Trump: I also think we could take some Navy Seals and dress ‘em up like some fucking trees. And then, with their feet making little twinkly sounds, they can skitter behind enemy lines and kill people. But, and this is really important, we have to make sure they have real ammunition. I’ve seen too many documentaries where the good guy pulls the trigger and all that comes out is a flag that says “Bang!” Well not on my watch. Where’s my jello and why are the mashed potatoes looking at me like that?

Totally fucked up. Almost as fucked up as those selfish asshole truckers:

Can’t get any dumber than that, right? Wrong. Here’s the CB transcript from the end or the convoy:

Trucker 1: Where the fuck is everybody? Where’s Smitty?

Trucker 2: Oh man, Smitty crapped himself and had to haul ass back to the Best Western.

T1: Goddamnit! It was that Flying J sushi!

T2: Well, I hate to tell you, but most of us had that sushi. 

T1: I know, goddamnit, but I’m willing to sit in my own shit for freedom!

T2: (Loud screaming) Well I’m not. See you back at the BDub. 

Oh that’s gross and totally expected. Lastly, you might have see the Pope’s gracious and welcome support for journalists covering Putin’s war on Ukraine:

He’s right, and we are indebted to those brave journalists. Now here’s the Pope’s deleted tweet:

@PopeBadass6Ninez You would think their courage would make some of their colleagues back in DC get their shit together. But no, there’s Chuck Todd still sucking. Like Jesus Christ what is that guy’s fucking problem?

Wow! We didn’t see that coming. Poop jokes, sacrilege and going way too long for an intro. Helluva start to the week, TBS. Nice work. Sorry. Nice fucking work.

Note two: For the record we’ve never had Flying J sushi, and we’re sure it’s wonderful if such a thing exists. We missed you this weekend, SPs, and we hope you don’t mind us going a little long today.

Note three: There were a lot of shocking and horrible images coming out of Ukraine this weekend. The world is seeing their pain and their strength. The world is also seeing what a deranged bloodthirsty monster Putin is. Not a genius like some dumbfuck said. More: CNN

Note four: If you haven’t yet heard Sting dusting off “Russians,” here it is. More: CNN

Note five: These stories are so inspiring and also nobody should ever ever ever fuck with Ukraine. More: NBC News

Note six: Trump is giving speeches about stealing elections and saying “the votecounter is oftentimes more important than the candidate.” Maybe this full frontal assault on democracy demands more than just two goddamn lines in the state of the union. More: CBS News

Note seven: Did you see Rubio and Daines tweeted out pictures of their video call with Zelensky? Did you see Tapper and George give Rubio a pass for doing so? Did you see Rick Scott have to be told to mute his line? Do you want to walk into the ocean with us? More: NBC News

Note eight: In some early week bullshit, SCOTUS won’t revisit the decision to free Bill Cosby. So fucked up. More: CNN

Note nine: Wow. A Republican governor doing the right thing. Y’all don’t even want to know how gross shit is getting in Florida. More: CNN

Note 10: Another Trump judge has taken a shit on the law. And this time it was to save Madison Cawthorn’s worthless ass. More: Salon

Note 11: So um what was Ricky Schroeder cooking up in them silver spoons? Some silver crack?

Note 12: Folks, losing the Senate is not a done deal. We’re up against some incompetent motherfuckers. So let’s not let go of this rope. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Mike Pence can’t find the balls to stand up for his own goddamn family, but that gutless chickenshit can find $10 million to use against us in House races. More: Dallas News

Note 14: Wow. Paul Gosar is not just a white supremacist. He’s a super duper white supremacist. Sorry. We don’t know what terminology they use. More: CNN

Note 15: RIP Mitchell Ryan. Great in Grosse Point Blank, great in Lethal Weapon and amazing in Dharma and Greg. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 16: If you’re like us, the news about WNBA star Brittney Griner being held in Russia made your blood run cold. We have got to get her home. More: CNN

Note 17: We’re not sure if y’all saw the NPR poll last week after the SOTU, but Biden got a bit of a bump. Let’s keep these good times rolling and oh shit here comes higher gas prices. More: NPR

Note 18: When you watch how fast commerce and media fled Russia, it is head-spinning just how fucking fast a new iron curtain dropped. Putin wanted to create a new Soviet Union. Well, he’s just as isolated as the last one was so congrats, asshole.

Note 19: So what did y’all watch this weekend? We’re recommending Winning Time and Our Flag Means Death on HBO and Fresh on Hulu. That last one is a super fucked up horror movie, so be advised.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we love you like we love cussin’. Have a great week!

The barr gets lower

As part of the Bill Barr media rehab tour, the cover-up general sat down with Savannah Guthrie this morning. And yeah, that should have never happened. Barr looked like a stammering coward. Probably because he is. After defending himself over and over again, he finally admitted that yeah he would vote for Trump again over a Democrat. What an absolute fucking joke. Trump was still so mad about all of it that he sent Lester Holt a three-page letter attacking Barr and lying about the election. We assume Holt smelled the letter and then had it framed. More: Today

VP moving

Vice President Harris visited Selma this weekend to commemorate the 57th anniversary of Bloody Sunday and to call for a renewed focus on voting rights. In a sign of where this discussion is, Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey refused to join the vice president. If you think the media was howling about this, you’d be wrong. If you haven’t seen VP Harris’s remarks, they are definitely worth watching. More: CNN, CBS42

Voter fraud!

So yeah, there’s another reason Mark Meadows should be in jail. We’re now up to reason #176,462. This time it’s because that lying piece of shit was claiming a fucking shack as his residence. So yeah, lock this motherfucker up. Six years is the going rate, right? Or is that only for Black women? More: Slate

Today’s clips

Two top prosecutors leading the criminal investigation into former President Donald Trump and his business resigned after the Manhattan district attorney said he was not prepared to authorize an indictment against the former President, a person familiar with the investigation said. More: CNN

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