Today's Big Stuff 3.4.22

3.4.22

Happy motherfreaking Friday. There are 249 days until the midterm elections. Roger Stone really needs to go to jail, Day Nine and Kyiv stands and holy freaking crap did you see the size of that jobs report?!

Be advised: This newsletter has bad words and bad spelling. And we don’t know how to turn that shit ofm.

Note: LOL. Welp, Sexy Patriots, we’re not real sure what to say anymore. We sat down last night to jot down a few sexy thoughts, and we were distracted by the reports of a battle and a fire at a huge nuclear power plant in Ukraine (it’s been put out). It was not long after that we saw good ol’ Lindsey Graham, a man who introduces himself to people as Trump’s third buttcheek (and he’s not even the smart one), calling for Putin to be assassinated on live television and then following it up in some tweets in case a world on the edge didn’t get the goddamn message. Once again, thanks so much for your service to our country, Lindz. Unbelievable.

It just seemed so fucking reckless. But we figured if we’d been walking around with our heads up Trump’s ass for the last six years, we’d be rooting for nuclear armageddon too. And he did. He spent most of the segment talking about how Trump would’ve kicked Putin’s ass if he’d tried that shit. Lindsey doesn’t understand that during the Trump years, Lindsey was the one Putin was invading.

Still, the embarrassing drooling behavior on national tv got us thinking — do you think these bootlicking losers like compare notes and compliment each other on how good they are at kissing ass? Like do Lindsey and Ted meet up in a green room and Ted’s like “Lindsey, buddy, that was some top-notch butt-smooching. Hall of fame, my man. I think you gotta marry that behind you kissed it so hard.” And Lindsey’s like “Me? Brother man, you are the fucking bomb diggity of ass-kissing. I am an amateur compared to you. That thing you did where you let him call your wife ugly in front of the whole world? That was inspired, bro.” Sounds like a sad, gross green room.

Anyway, that’s what we were thinking about last night instead of all the horrible fucking shit that’s happening in this, the era of are you fucking kidding me. If y’all have any good tv recommendations, please send them our way.

Note two: Hey, we hope y’all have a great weekend. We know things are suuuuuuper fucked up right now, but please hang in there and keep on keeping on. You’re kicking ass and you don’t even know it. Or maybe you do, you sexy mofo.

Note three: Russia Today is done in America. Condolences to the scummy treasonous Americans who made a few bucks selling out their country. More: CNN

Note four: Well holy shit. While Lauren Borbert is continuing to brag about how awesome it was for her to yell at a guy while he talked about his dead veteran son, yesterday SHE FUCKING VOTED AGAINST A BILL THAT WOULD HELP VETERANS WHO ARE SICK AND DYING FROM BURN PIT EXPOSURE. Seriously, who the fuck are these people? More: Independent

Note five: The Jan. 6 committee has subpoenaed Kim Guilfoyle. Do you ever feel bad for investigators who have to spend time with this trash? More: CNN

Note six: “New evidence shows Trump was told many times there was no voter fraud — but he kept saying it anyway.” Yeah, no fucking shit. He told more than 30,000 lies while he was in office. More: Washington Post

Note seven: This Supreme Court really really likes killing people. Thank goodness they’re pro-life. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Thanks to Eric Boehlert for calling out the press for giving Ron DeSantis a pass on yelling at those kids. Hey Beltway media, he ain’t your daddy so stop acting like he is. More: Press Run

Note nine: Republicans are “telegraphing” their attacks on Judge Jackson. Here’s badass Amy Klobuchar showing how we’ll respond.

Note 10: Hey, certain media personalities, if you want to go to war, then fucking enlist. More: Huff Post

Note 11: Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds is having a week. First she showed everyone was a charmless psycho she is with her SOTU response that nobody watched. And now she’s codifying anti-trans bigotry with a bunch of teenagers looking on. What a horrible piece of shit. More: The Guardian

Note 12: Speaking of which, we’ve seen a lot of bravery in Ukraine these last several days. But bravery comes in a lot of different forms. Here’s an example out of Florida. To Jack Petocz, the student who organized the rally and was suspended, we see your courage and your strength and we’ve got your back. More: NBC News

Note 13: Florida Republicans don’t want us to say gay? Gay, motherfuckers.

Note 14: We were gonna put something here about Bill Barr’s latest attempt to rehab his image, but we’re the not the boot-licking dumbshits at NBCNews so we’re skipping it. NO LINK

Note 15: The Former First Trash has had to cancel her bullshit fundraiser because it was bullshit. Guess we’re all “literally dream killers.” She said that in a recent statement and we couldn’t stop laughing at the idea of actual Freddy Kruegers targeting some idiot like her. More: New York Times

Note 16: The Biden administration is granting Temporary Protected Status to about 30,000 Ukrainians living in America. This is a good start. Now let’s start accepting some of the more than 1 million refugees. More: New York Times

Note 17: Tucker Carlson now says he was wrong about Russia but only because a Black woman made him that way. Yeah, he’s not the worst. He’s what the worst shat out. More: Washington Post

Note 18: OK, SPs, it’s been a long week and we’re ready to start this weekend, so let’s get our hot asses on over to the news. Oh and Lindsey, even Marjorie Taylor Gross thinks you’re a fucking lunatic and there are men with large butterfly nets looking for her. We love y’all, and we’ll see you back here Monday.

In the barrel

They’re calling them the Roger Stone tapes. Hours of documentary footage of the former president’s friend being involved in a coup, worrying about getting arrested and asking for a pardon because he was worried about Merrick Garland (yeah, we wish). But yeah, this motherfucker needs to go to prison. Like right now. More: Washington Post

Day Nine

God bless the Ukrainian people. They have withstood a cruel and shocking barrage from the Russian army for nine days now. Putin is clearly targeting civilians and as we mentioned, last night they attacked a fucking nuclear plant. Russia has started to drop a new iron curtain on information as Russians flee their own country amid an economic disaster. The world has changed dramatically, and Ukraine is lighting the way for freedom fighters everywhere. More: CNN

WOW!!

Let’s end today on a good note. Like a really good fucking note. The U.S. economy added 678,000 jobs last month dropping the unemployment rate to 3.8 percent. Holy shit! That percentage is a new low for the pandemic and pretty fucking great for non-pandemic times too. As Simon Rosenberg points out, Biden has created more jobs in the last four months (2.4 million) than over 16 years of the last GOP presidents (1.9 million). Amazing. Oh and we’ve reclaimed about 90 percent of the 22 million jobs we lost during the pandemic. This is an economic boom, and any journalist who says differently is a fucking liar. Go get ‘em, Joe! More: Market Watch

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS

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