Today's Big Stuff 3.3.22

3.3.22

It’s Thursday. There are 250(!) days until the midterm elections. The Jan. 6 committee goes BIG, Biden steps up for trans kids and Macron talks to Putin and says the worst is yet to come. 

Be advised: We have a lot of typos and we cass a lot. That should be cuss. Goddamnit.

Note: What’s good, SPs? No, that’s not us using cool kid slang. We’re actually asking if there’s anything good. We’re kidding. There’s all kinds of good going on. You just gotta dig through a lot of evil and a lot of bullshit to find it. One of the good things underneath all that evil and bullshit is Germany and France seizing big ol’ giant fancy Russian asshole yachts. 

Oh hell yeah. There are so many wonderful things the world can do with them fancy boats, but we have a humble suggestion — give them to us. We’re serious. We didn’t know until today just how badly TBS needs a fucking navy. And not that silly dumbass Trump shit that gets sunk to the bottom of a Texas lake by some fucking losers. Now we know what you’re thinking — TBS, it’s been a while since we told you how hot you are and also it’s pretty fucking selfish to take the oligarch assholes’ big boats for yourself so you can sail off to party while everyone else is hurting like hell. 

As Joe Biden would say  C’mon, man. Y’all know we wouldn’t do you like that. It’s just gonna look like we’re partying. But we’ve got a secret plan. We’re gonna go from port to port enticing the world’s worst politicians aboard with promises of all kinds of gross and illegal shit. You know the grosser and illegaler it is, the more they’ll come running. Then when we’re basically the Noah’s Ark of total fucking scumbags, we’re gonna go out to the middle of the ocean, get out one of those giant cartoon novelty corkscrews, put on our water wings and uncork a big goddamn hole in that big goddamn boat and sink that motherfucker like it’s the Russian economy. Then we just lay back in our floaties and watch the world become a better place. Wonder how far Ted Cruz can doggypaddle. 

Anyway, that is our humble proposal for that big yachts. Just let us know where you want us to pick them up. Or straight up sink those motherfuckers. We’re good either way. Thank you. 

Note two: Oh and the guy who fucked with these parents’ kids is getting a boat ride too.

Hey Ron, it’s parent-teacher conference time. 

Note three: Mark your calendars. Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s hearings have been scheduled for March 21. The questioning will be on the 22nd and 23rd and finish on the 24th. We know she’s going to do great. She’s already got Mitch McConnell saying she’s unquestionably qualified. And that guy sucks. More: CNBC

Note four: How many times do we bring up Dick Durbin folding to Republicans or doing some soft shit? A lot, right? So why the fuck does he keep doing it? Now he’s honoring a fucking blue slip from lunatic traitor Ron Johnson. We’ve been mad about this since yesterday. More: The Hill

Note five: Wanna see something fucking hilarious? Here, we’ll link to a Truth Social post. Oh right we can’t because it’s a giant fucking punchline. LOLOL!!!!!! More: Axios

Note six: We have the most amazing treat for you courtesy of LatinoRebels.com. Please read all the way through and make sure to watch the video at the end. More: Latino Rebels

Note seven: Thank god a judge in Texas has stepped in to at least momentarily restore a little sanity to a state that has lost its everlovin’ motherfuckin’ mind. More: NBC News

Note eight: So the U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution saying we support Ukraine. Slam dunk no-brainer, right? Well no. Because some people are just turds. So yeah, three Republicans shitheads voted no. The more we think about it, the more we’re surprised it’s not more. More: The Hill

Note nine: Oh man, Tim Kaine appears to have long COVID. This shit isn’t talked about enough. If you’re fighting it, our hearts are with you. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Hahahahahahaah. You know the great wall of dumbfuck that’s half built at our southern border? Yeah, it’s been sawed through 3,272 times over the past three years. If we didn’t know anything else and you told us it had failed 3,272 times, we would automatically know it was built by Donald Trump. More: Washington Post

Note 11: So POTUS promised we are going after the oligarchs. And DOJ announced it is launching a “KleptoCapture” task force. So if you’re wondering why the fuck Trump and his crew havent been charged for any of the 2 zillion crimes they committed, it’s probably because they were coming up with the name “KleptoCapture.” More: CNBC

Note 12: Tucker Carlson wants to see Ketanji Brown Jackson’s LSAT scores. Well we wanna see what Tucker has in the well in his basement. Racist fucking douchebag. More: Huff Post

Note 13: So we’re gonna level with you — we have no jokes about the Texas Republican Trump candidate and his affair with the so-called “ISIS bride.” We, uh, we’re speechless. We’re even cussless. And that never fucking happens. More: Reuters

Note 14: Ok, so we’ve posted a lot of tweets today, but this one is more like a pep rally. If you need to feel hopeful for the future, then look no further than the fearless badass youth. 

Note 15: And here’s one more just because it’s such great news.

Note 16: LOL. Mitch McConnell is so awful to work with he can’t get any non-lunatics to run for the Senate. More: AZ Central

Note 17: The White House is going to ask Congress for $32.5 billion for COVID and Ukraine. Wanna bet the Republican Party tries to fuck with it? More: CNBC

Note 18: We’ve got some alarming and surprising news — Sean Hannity is getting dumber. More: The Daily Beast

Note 19: We might actually be in favor of banning Critical Dumbshit Traitor Theory. More: NBC News

Note 20: Ok, Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news! We love y’all, and we hope you’re having a great week!

Holy fucking shit

Yeah, it’s news that big. The Jan. 6 committee has unveiled in a court filing its argument that Trump broke lots and lots of laws, or “engaged in a criminal conspiracy to defraud the United States,” as part of his very illegal attempt to overturn the election. Yeah, as part of a filing to try and say Eastman can’t claim privilege because he was part of a crime, the committee is saying Trump committed (clears throat) obstruction of an official proceeding, conspiracy to defraud the United States and common law fraud (h/t Mark Joseph Stern). Add to this that yesterday a Proud Boy d-bag pled to SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY and holy shit was it a bad for the people who tried to overthrow the government. More: CNN, CNN II

Good looking out

Yesterday, as the state of Texas and the Republican Party as a whole continued to wage a sick and cruel war against trans kids, those kids found they have an ally in the White House. Following his remarks of support in the State of the Union, Biden made clear yesterday it’s not just talk. It’s so goddamn nice to have someone who’s not a complete monster in the White House. Also, Republicans, why the fuck are you creeps so obsessed with what’s in kids’ pants? More: Advocate

Ukraine

Kyiv is still standing. Zelensky is still standing. But Ukraine is being destroyed. And according to French President Macron, Putin has zero intention of stopping. There are reports that Putin is looking to declare martial law in Russia because the people hate what he’s doing, and there is chatter on twitter that Russian troops have turned their tanks and missiles in Ukraine around to face Russia so he can bomb the shit out of his own people and then blame Ukraine. This is an endless fucking nightmare, and the only thing we can think to say are 1. Pray for Ukraine and 2. Go fuck yourself, Putin. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Serena Williams called out The New York Times Wednesday after the paper published an article about her venture fund but used a photo of her sister, Venus. More: CNN

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