Today's Big Stuff 3.31.22

3.31.22

It’s Thursday. There are 222 days until the midterm elections. We find out what actually scares Kevin McCarthy, a real president makes a proclamation of love and Republicans look to cheap out on COVID $. 

Be advised: We cuss (today A LOT) and make fucked up jokes about politicsl. The typos are a product of burning passion.  

Note: Well if it ain’t a big hot cup of Sexy Patriot opening up an email from our lucky asses. How are you today? Really? Did you manage to put it out? Well that’s good. Us? We’re uh, we’re about to go the eff off. Yeah, we’re gonna try something a little different today. We’re first gonna absolutely lose our shit over something that’s got us honked off and then we’re gonna try to be funny. Ok so that’s not really different at all. First, for the going off…

MOTHERSHITTER!!! Did you read about Hunter Biden? Of course you did because the goddamn beltway media can’t get enough of it. How the fuck is it fucking possible that the goddamn motherfucker who tried to violently overthrow the goddamn motherfucking government can put out a goddamn motherfucking call for a piece of fucking shit war criminal to give him some fucking goddamn dirt on the son of the president of the United States and the very next fucking day, the Washington goddaman fuckshitting motherassing Post and CN buttshitted fartfucking N run stories on Hunter fucking Biden?! (The New York fuckpooping buttcheeksonofabitching Times already ran the same story.) Yeah, we’re so mad we can’t even cuss right. 

Now we’re not suggesting they did this fucked up shit because Trump wanted them to. It just looks that way. No we’re straight up saying they are a fucking mess for chasing any stupid bullshit Trump and Fox News can come up with simply because they want to show everyone how fair and not liberal they are. And now you got CBS admitting they’re having on lying piece of shit politicians — and hiring them! — so they can get other lying piece of shit politicians to come on air and lie to Americans. Guess we know CBS stands for Compromised BullShit. Corporate? Complete? Either way, we got the BS part right. 

There is literal steam coming out of our ears, we have just about run out of cuss words and we still have a whole cussing newsletter to do, so we’re gonna move on to our hilarious shit. If you need us beyond that, we’ll be waiting for the same treatment of Jared and Ivanka who made hundreds of millions of dollars while working in the White House. Mothergoddamnassshitfucker. More: Washington Post

Note two: We’ll keep this brief. Here’s what’s in the first hour of Trump’s missing call logs. Don’t ask how we got it. 

Call to Ted Cruz, Trump tells him to bark like a dog, Cruz asks what kind of dog

Call to Ginni Thomas, says thanks to her and Clarence for joining coup

Call to Ginni Thomas, reminds her to not call it a coup

Call back to Ginni Thomas, seriously don’t call it a coup

Call to McDonald’s to tell them they should make a halfer-pounder, giant McNuggets

Call to Gym Jordan to tell him to look the other way, call lasts four seconds 

Call back to McDonald’s, places order 

Call to Mike Pence, calls him a pussy, Pence says thank you and pretends to go through tunnel

Call to Sydney Powell, asks her what she’s wearing to the coup

Call to some Proud Boys, tells them about invisible planes and tells them to attack Capitol

Call to Sean Hannity, some shockingly touching bro talk that ends in teary I love you man 

Call to Ivanka, log recorder refuses to write down horrifying romantic exchange, log recorder quits job 

Note three: This is probably more important than our shockingly obscene tantrum and our silly jokes. If you’re over 50, please look into a second booster shot. We need y’all to be safe. You’re keeping us sane. 

Note four: Thom Tillis said he’s voting against Judge Jackson. Thom Tillis sucks.

Note five: We’re gonna keep saying it — we love our Vice President. More: The Dig

Note six: So um fascism is sure taking root here fast. If you like to read, you better hurry up. More: AJC

Note seven: The stories out of Ukraine are getting even more horrifying, and that didn’t seem possible. It’s crucial that we continue to show our support. Let us know what you’re doing to show the love. Are you flying a flag? Sending money? Swimming across the ocean with a knife in your teeth? We want to hear about it. More: CNN

Note eight: So the president is warning Congress we’re about to run out of shit to fight COVID. Maybe they should make this one a priority. Like voting rights. Oh right. Fuck. More: CNBC

Note nine: So here’s a question for y’all? Were we wrong about Dick Durbin? He says he didn’t want to look like he was propping up Judge Jackson and that she was her own best defender. And polling shows support grew for the judge after the hearings. Polling also shows people though the GOP was out of line. So were we wrong? Was Durbin a quiet genius when he let Lindsey Graham act like an ass? Or is he just a wimp who got lucky? If we were wrong, tell us and we’ll say we’re sorry. Maybe. More: Huff Post

Note nine: We’re taking this Bruce Willis news pretty hard. Not only do we love his movies, but he was so good on Friends. Be well, sir! More: Variety

Note 10: Y’all feeling vindicated by this? Yeah, so are we. Vindicated and grossed the hell out. 

Note 11: The president announced yesterday he’s sending another $500 million to Ukraine. Fuckin’ A. More: Huff Post

Note 12: The DNC is encouraging reporters to attend Rick Scott’s event at the Heritage Foundation today. It’s some A+ trolling and a welcome sign of going on offense. More: Democrats.org

Note 13: Mitch McConnell defended Clarence Thomas on the Senate floor yesterday. It was a little bit like a fart defending a turd. Or a turd defending a turd. Or something worse. Yeah, something worse. More: Axios

Note 14: The Woke Mob meeting has been moved to Jerry’s house. Lynda had a small electrical fire at her place. We’re gonna say a non-denominational prayer for her. Please don’t forget to bring a hot dish. 

Note 15: Alex Jones is the devil’s dingleberry, and we are damn glad he’s finally seeing some goddamn accountability. More: CNN

Note 16: Congratulations to the U.S. men’s soccer team on securing a bid to get back to the World Cup despite losing in Costa Rica last night. We’re not gonna say anything snarky. We like this team, and we’ll be rooting hard for them this Fall. More: Sports Illustrated

Note 17: It’s hilarious how much Marc Elias makes Republicans shit their pants. More: Washington Examiner

Note 18: We know we’re using a lot of tweets today (we’ve been hearing good things about it so we’re gonna keep doing it until you tell us otherwise), but this one is really cool…

Note 19: Ok, you beautiful SPs, let’s shimmy on over to the news side. We’re sorry to go so long today. We just enjoy your company. Can you blame us? Have a great one! 

Cawthorn in his side

Pretty clever, right? Don’t worry. We won’t make it a habit. Anyway Kevin McCarthy had a stern talking to with Madison Cawthorn yesterday and told the miserable piece of shit told the other miserable piece of shit that he has lost his trust. Yeah, McCarthy said that Cawthorn didn’t actually see any orgies or cocaine. Cawthorn is said to have told him — and we’re not making this up — that he saw some people doing something in a parking garage 100 yards away and he did not know what cocaine is. LOL. Sure bro. Roger Stone took to Gab, whatever the fuck that is, to say that Cawthorn hadn’t retracted anything. The rest of the GOP, however, appears to be making a move to take lil’ Maddie out of the game by backing his primary opponent. Democrats in disarray, right? More: Axios, CNN

Thank you, Mr. President

Republicans all across the country have shown just how cruel and despicable they can be by passing anti-Trans laws to address made-up fear-mongering bullshit. Fortunately, because your sexy patriotic ass worked and voted for Joe Biden, we have a president who sees our trans friends. Yesterday, while another state was passing yet another evil fucking law, Biden proclaimed March 31 (today) as Transgender Day of Visibility. “I want you to know that your president sees you.” A-men. More: Axios

Like sushi and surgery

COVID funding is not an area where you want to cheap out. And we shouldn’t generalize because we’ve had great cheap sushi and we paid some dude $15 to take out our appendix and we’re doing just fine. But yeah, Senate negotiators have reduced the size of the package they’re working on from $15.6 billion to $10 billion. Republicans are basically forcing Democrats to give up the part where we give vaccines to other parts of the world, and there’s a good chance House Democrats won’t accept this. So here we are with goddamn Republicans playing goddamn political games with goddamn COVID. Again. More: The Hill

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is weighing releasing a record amount of oil from US reserves as high gas prices persist. 

A plan being considered involves releasing around 1 million barrels per day from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve for the coming months, a person familiar with the deliberations says. The release plan could last as long as six months, the person said, though the duration was still being finalized. That would amount to 180 million barrels of oil. More: CNN

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