Today's Big Stuff 3.29.22

3.29.22. 

It’s Tuesday. There are 224 days until the midterm elections. Biden says “no apologies,” all eyes on Merrick as we learn hours missing from Trump’s Jan. 6 call logs and wondering what in the hell CBS is thinking.

Be advised: This here is a cussin’ newsletter. And we can’t spell for shis neither.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How in the effing heck are y’all today? Reeling from a world gone mad? We get that. The only thing we don’t get is how you still manage to be so goddamn sexy and patriotic when everything around you is so fucked up. For example, did y’all know this miserable piece of shit is still on teevee?

Yeah, he’s a peach. A bruised peach crawling with worms on the inside. Poor Tuckstick is really in his feelings about being supsended from twitter. He pretty much hates every place that has standards because that means he can’t get in. His local 7-11 used to have a No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service policy. Then they added No Suckasses and Tuckstick was furious he couldn’t go in anymore.

However, we are feeling super fucking generous today. Like Mother Theresa on molly. So we have reluctantly agreed to post some of the tweets Tuckstick drafted but couldn’t post. Brace yourself and be warned that these were written by crap-eating shitweasel…

@TuckerCarlson My wife just told me she’s not real and that I’ve actually been having sex with a melon that I drew a face on. If she thinks she can cancel me, she’s getting replaced by a half-inflated volleyball.

@TuckerCarlson I like the taste of my own poop. I know the fancy coastal elites think this is gross and dangerous, but I don’t care. I’ve eaten lots of people’s poop. Trump. Putin. Murdoch. Is eating poop bad? I’m just asking questions here.

@TuckerCarlson I am a real man. I am very manly. I am not gonna pee myself today. I am tough. I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry. I’m a real man goddamnit!

@TuckerCarlson People always ask why I hate everyone who’s not white. It’s simple. They hate me too. And I know a lot of white people hate me too. But my girlfriend loves me. She lives in Russia. You wouldn’t know here.

Wow. That’s some sad shit from a sad man. There was a time when someone should’ve given this broken scumbag a hug. Now we recommend you stay far far away from him.

Note two: So two dozen Democratic senators have written the Supreme Court asking Clarence Thomas to recuse on Jan. 6 cases. Sadly, Democratic leadership is completely missing on this. They had all weekend and came back with next to nothing. Speaker Pelosi kinda went off in a Dem meeting today, but only because AOC asked her about it. Republicans are wrecking America. And all this comes as we learn today that Trump’s call logs from that day are missing oh just SEVEN AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS. Nixon only clipped out less than 20 minutes and it was a scandal for decades. But don’t worry. Trump has assured Robert Costa that he has no idea what a burner phone is. We really ought to think about fighting back. More: Washington Post

Note three: Every once in a while this corrupt piece of shit says something like this and we stop hating him for about 30 seconds. Welp 30 seconds is up.

Note four: CNN+ is launching today. Normally we’d wish Chris Wallace and crew a bon voyage like the Titantic. But our friend Rex Chapman has a show on there, and we’re damn excited about it. Good luck, Rex!

Note five: Here’s today’s good news and your daily reminder that nobody should ever ever ever fuck with Ukrainians.

Note six: Trump got some really bad news today that we’ll talk about later. So to distract from that, he’s gone colludin’ again. Yeah, the tangerine treason monster put out a call to his buddy Putin to release dirt on Hunter Biden. Yes, this is real. More: Mediaite

Note seven: Ron DeSantis signed the Don’t Say Gay bill yesterday. Eat shit, Ron. And choke on it. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Kevin McCarthy is reportedly planning to “have a talk” with Madison Cawthorn about his cocaine orgy allegations. Apparently Madison’s colleagues aren’t too thrilled about it. You know what would make them feel better? Yep, cocaine orgy. NO LINK

Note nine: So B.A. 2 is now the dominant variant in the U.S., and we’re pretty much out of funding to fight it. We love our party, but we can’t stop being shocked at how badly we are fucking this up. More: CNN

Note 10: J.D. Vance says his buddy Marjorie Taylor Gross did nothing wrong when she hung out with white supremacist neo-Nazis. It only looks that way to him because he hangs out with an actual blood-sucking vampire named Peter Thiel. More: Yahoo News

Note 11: The FDA has authorized a fourth shot for people 50 and older. We never thought we’d be looking for another fake ID or one that says we’re 50 but here we are. More: CNBC

Note 12: Rand Paul is blocking a bill that would punish Russia. Gosh. Maybe some reporter should ask him why instead of asking Biden for the 50th fucking time if he regrets saying a war criminal shouldn’t be in office. More: The Hill

Note 13: We love our vice president. More: CNBC

Note 14: Y’all see that game last night? Paige Bueckers is the truth. More: Courant

Note 15: We really should’ve done the intro about the furry guy in Nebraska. Especially since that Tucker twitter thing is a few days old. We just really hate that fucking guy. More: Washington Post

Note 16: We also thought about doing a whole thing about Trump’s hole-in-one statement, but honestly we couldn’t think of a way to make up anything more deranged or absurd than what he actually put out. More: Independent

Note 17: This is so fucking dumb. Look we don’t need Joe Biden to love weed. But we do need him to give a shit about winning elections. More: DCist

Note 18: Thank you again to AOC for calling on Clarence Thomas to resign. If anyone has seen Chuck Schumer, please tell him that the congresswoman is doing his job for him again.

Note 19: Before we sign off and get to the news, we just wanted to say thank you for joining us. We love y’all, and we’re so damn grateful to you for reminding us every day that we’re not alone in our outrage, our anger or our desire for a better country. Now please enjoy this small child rocking out.

Not sorry

Yesterday the White House press corps thoroughly embarrassed itself again as reporters repeatedly asked Biden about his comments saying Putin must go. Biden was strong as he responded he makes no apologies for making a moral judgment against a war criminal but he wasn’t calling for a change in U.S. policy. The same fucking shit the White House has been saying for days. The reporters then left the room and tried to make a call with their shoes because they are morons who suck. More: ABC News

Where’s Merrick?

Yesterday a federal judge said that Trump more than likely committed a felony. Last night, the Jan. 6 commission voted to hold Scavino and Navarro in contempt. What do these two things have in common? In both instances, people were saying they’re doing their goddamn jobs and they’re waitng for Merrick Garland to do his. It really has become a huge source of shame for our nation and our party as a man who tried to overthrow our government has faced exactly zeron consequences for doing so. Let’s go, MG. We’re way out of patience. More: New York Times, MSNBC

What the fuck?!

Today CBS had a new contributor on to talk about Joe Biden’s budget. That contributor? Mick Mulvaney. Now you might be thinking hey isn’t that the piece of shit who was at the Trump White House and tried to help him cover up his extortion of Zelensky and the damage COVID was doing? You’d be exactly right. CBS is just a fancier Fox News, and we’ve been saying it for a while. So today please feel free to send them a note letting them know what you think, and then make sure you’re watching anything else. More: Media Matters

Today’s clips

China began its most extensive coronavirus lockdown in two years Monday to conduct mass testing and control a growing outbreak in Shanghai as questions are raised about the economic toll of the nation’s “zero-COVID” strategy.

Shanghai, China’s financial capital and largest city with 26 million people, had managed its smaller previous outbreaks with limited lockdowns of housing compounds and workplaces where the virus was spreading. More: Associated Press 

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