Today's Big Stuff 3.28.22

3.28.22.

It’s Monday. There are 225 days until the midterm elections. Judge Jackson is the most popular SCOTUS nominee in forever, Ted Cruz is somehow worse than we thought (and so is the Jan. 6 committee) and Biden brings it in Europe.

Be advised: We were up late so we’ll probably even misspell the cuss words todoy. Well fucp.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Well you look rested and ready to rock n’ roll for freedom and goodness. Us? We’re good. We’re still trying to process what went down at the Oscars, but on the whole we’re good. In case you didn’t see it, Will Smith slapped the shit out of Chris Rock on stage after Rock made a shitty joke about Jada. It was super fucked up. 

Pretty shocking right? Well that’s nothing compared to the news we have to share with you and Mr. Smith here in this newsletter today. While twitter was completely melting down, we did a little digging. And it turns out that Chris Rock isn’t just a famous comedian. He’s also a chameleon. That’s right. He might be the best actor in history. It turns out he has secretly been playing the role of several dumbfuck seditionist Trump-loving politician sacks of shit, and he’s been pretty damn convincing. For example, Chris Rock is actually Matt Gaetz. Crazy right?! But yeah, he plays Gaetz and Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and he even did a brief stint as Don Jr.

So why are we telling you this? Well, we just figured Will Smith oughta know. Do your thing, buddy.

GASP! We’re just kidding. We’re not really trying to trick the fresh prince into slapping the shit out of Matt Gaetz by telling Smith that Gaetz is actually Rock. Or maybe we are. 

Oh and by the way the right can talk all the shit they want about what went down as if it’s proof of Hollywood’s immorality. But at least Smith got off the stage right away. The QAnon shaman stuck around for fucking ever. 

Note two: You’re probably tired of those jokes, and we promise not to make anymore. Well, we kinda promise. Two other things — If you haven’t seen Summer of Soul, you should. And also, this was fucking beautiful and we almost cried thinking about it this morning. More: LA Times

Note three: You know who needs an award for outstanding performances yesterday? Our very own Adam Parkhomenko who took to the Lincoln Memorial and CNN to rally Americans in support of his fellow Ukrainians. Looking good, A-train! 

Note four: You how we’re always calling Joe Manchin corrupt and dumb. Well here’s proof he’s corrupt. If you want proof he’s dumb, just listen to him. More: New York Times

Note five: Biden is dropping his proposed budget today. These budgets never ever pass as they’re written so this has become sort of a silly exercise, but it does show us where a president’s priorities are. And this president is prioritizing indies but with a middle finger to billionaires. More: ABC News, Axios

Note six: Every once in a while something weird happens on Fox and they tell the truth. Yesterday John Roberts, who we honestly thought was an AI program designed to kiss Republican ass, actually held Rick Scott’s feet to the fire over his plan to raise taxes. We still kinda can’t believe it. More: The Wrap

Note seven: So what were your favorite Oscar movies? You can send us real answers or more jokes. We like both. 

Note eight: The Trucker Convoy aka the fucking losers are deciding to pack it in having accomplished none of the goals they didn’t have. Thanks for terrorizing the capital and letting us know you kept pissing yourselves while you were doing so. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: This is a story about Elise Stefanik becoming a full on Trumper because she’s soulless trash who thought it would be good for her career. But apparently even her ass-kissing ass thinks Trump is a disaster. More: New York Times

Note 10: We learned over the weekend that Liz Cheney is slowing up the works when it comes to investigating the Thomases. What the hell? It’s like she works for the mainstream media. More: Press Run Media, New York Times

Note 11: Deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre tested positive for COVID over the weekend. We’re sending love and best wishes and a reminder to all of you to please get boosted.

Note 12: Madison Cawthorn says he has been asked by older politicians to do cocaine and attend orgies. Yikes! Who do we think it is? Probably Pat Leahy right? Maybe DiFi? Or is it possible this fucked up shit happens at Trump’s Jabba the Hutt palace in south Florida? Yeah that’s our bet too. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Trump had a rally in Georgia. If you want to know about his crowd size, well, he couldn’t get it up. More: Yahoo News

Note 14: Oh and remember former Sen. David Perdue? Well he has gone full on nutter these days, and was at the rally claiming that his election was “stolen.” LOL. Keep telling yourself that, loser. More: AJC

Note 15: One last note on that Georgia rally. Marjorie Taylor Gross said some really fucked up shit about how she doesn’t want Mayor Pete and his husband following her into a bathroom. Nobody wants that, Marge. When she leaves a room, shit lights a match. More: Yahoo News

Note 16: Chris Wallace thinks Fox has changed. He might be right. But that doesn't explain why he pretended to not see what Sean Hannity was doing to Seth Rich’s family. We call bullshit. More: New York Times

Note 17: That crooked congressman who got convicted last week is going to resign this week. Probably wanted some time to steal some pens on his way out. More: CNN

Note 18: Hey so btw we haven’t stopped being furious that Senate Judiciary Democrats not named Cory Booker weren’t more prepared to defend Judge Jackson from some seriously unseemly shit, and we’re probably gonna hate Dick Durbin forever. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Note 19: RIP Taylor Hawkins. What a huge loss for rock n’ roll. And for Dave Grohl. More: YouTube

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s hustle our sexy asses on over to the news section and get this week started like some proper fucking lunatics. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a great week. Love y’all!

Listen to America

Judge Jackson is on pace to become the most popular Supreme Court nominee in years. Yeah, with a +27 net approval rating, the soon-to-be justice is shaping up to be the most liked nominee since John Roberts. And we know this story is gonna go better than that one. Today at 3, the Senate Judiciary Committee will meet in executive session to vote on her nomination. We know Republicans will be awful. We’re just hoping Dick Durbin remembers to vote yes. More: Twitter

Lock his ass up

So on Friday, we would’ve told you there’s nothing you could tell us about Ted Cruz to lower our opinion of him. Literally could not be done. Until this morning when we found out he was way more involved in the lead-up to Jan. 6 than was previously known. We’re glad to see this kind of story finally happened because we were fucking pissed when the terrorists said “he’s with us” and then the Beltway media gave Ted a pass. At least this time they’ll probably wait until Wednesday before giving him a pass. More: Washington Post

Go Joe!

So we’re not Beltway media so we’re not gonna lose our fucking minds over nine words. What we will say is that Joe Biden made us so proud while he was in Europe. We saw a man who was leading the world in pushing back against tyranny. We saw a man who was projecting both American strength and compassion. And we saw a man who did this —

Thank you, Mr. President. 

Today’s clips

Joe Biden has canceled more student loan debt than any other President – a notable fact that’s flown under the radar. More: CNN

The Biden administration is expected to give older adults the option of getting a second Covid-19 vaccine booster as early as this week

Two sources familiar with the government’s plans said the US Food and Drug Administration is planning authorize a fourth dose of the Pfizer and Moderna mRNA vaccines for adults over age 50 next week. More: CNN

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