Today's Big Stuff 3.25.22

3.25.22

Happy Friday. There are 228 days until the midterm elections. Manchin finally doesn’t screw us, another law and order Republican is convicted and Biden in Poland.

Be advised: We cuss and fuck up spelling shit. It’s just what we due.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck fire are you?! It’s Friday! You made it! We did too! And we’re all still sexy! Before we tell you we love you and wish you the best for the weekend, we would like to finish the week with what we’re calling Ginni Thomas and the Holy Fucking Shit Phenomenon. You know when your brain hears something so shocking that the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you can feel it in your toes and the only thing you can think is HOLY FUCKING SHIT?! Fun TBS fact — that comes from the Holy Fucking Shit gland in the left back corner of your brain.

To be totally honest, we figured that at some point between Election Night 2016 and yesterday our Holy Fucking Shit gland was either broken, retired or snuck out of our ear and ran away screaming. But y’all it’s still there.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Yeah, it looks like Clarence and Ginni Thomas kicked our Holy Fucking Shit glands back on like it was a stingy vending machine. Damn thing is humming now. And we’re gonna need it because EXCLUSIVE we have some more of Ginni Thomas’s texts. They’re actually very sweet and norma and not at all batshit crazy. Nah, we’re just kidding. They’re totally fucked up.

Ginni Thomas: I love you. I want you. I need you.

JFK Jr. (Actually just some dude named Jesse): You too, baby, but what about Clarence?

GT: He’s my best friend, but I’m thinking about eating him while he’s asleep.

JFK Jr.: I think you might be too crazy for me and I’m a Q lunatic who thinks he’s a dead man.

GT: Baby, I’m too crazy for everybody.

Ginni Thomas: Did you hear that the dolphins are trying to take you out for communism?

Marjorie Taylor Green: The swimming dolphins or the football dolphins? Either way, yes.

GT: We have to stop them. I’m asking Clarence to get rid of the oceans.

MTG: Good call. Fuck the ocean. 

Ginni Thomas: I’ll die for you!

Donald Trump: Ok cool.

GT: The storm is coming.

DT: I’ll tell the staff to close the windows.

Ginni Thomas: You have been possessed by the devil, and I am sending an army of prayer warriors to cut off your testicles and make jewelry from them.

Spectrum cable company: Ma’am, we’re just trying to tell you about a deal on Showtime.

Ok wow. That is some Holy Fucking Shit news. Thank goodness everyone in Washington will have forgotten all about this by Monday. More: CNN

Note two: We’re really going long with the opening notes these days. But it’s either that or stand in the middle of the street screaming cuss words at strangers.

Note three: Reports from this morning say that Clarence Thomas has been released from the hospital. Unless he was there having his wife surgically removed, then that sonofabitch has some questions to answer. More: CNBC

Note four: So you know that political newsletter Punchbowl? Well their reporters are at the Republican retreat trying to see how many of them can fit in Kevin McCarthy’s ass at once. It’s pretty embarrassing. They’re also reporting McCarthy wants the Jan. 6 committee to look at the lead up to Jan. 6. Ok cool with us, but we’re guessing he means they want to blame Speaker Pelosi. Oh and you’ll be shocked to hear that McCarthy doesn’t think Clarence Thomas should recuse from Jan. 6 cases. NO LINK

Note five: Putin gave a speech this morning in which he whined about cancel culture and the treatment of JK Rowling. We’re not making this up. We hear he’s been named to the New York Times editorial board.

Note six: This Clarence Thomas stuff has got us pretty fucked up. So does knowing that the press and elected Democrats are probably going to let them get away with it. So here’s something awesome.

Note seven: You know what else will lift your spirits? TRUMP IS SUING HILLARY OVER THE 2016 ELECTION AND HIS COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA. LOLOL. We’re totally serious. Good luck, chump. More: Washington Post

Note eight: If you think Republicans in Congress can’t get any dumber, think again. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Sigh. The dirtbag who stole Speaker Pelosi’s lectern is throwing a going to prison party. What a coincidence. We’re celebrating this asshole going to prison too. More: Bradenton

Note 10: We freaking LOVE when Joe Biden talks shit. And him telling Trump to bring it on in a rematch is music to our ears. Even though we start sweating when we think about the 2024 election. Bloomberg

Note 11: We’re disappointed this administration hasn’t done more on voting rights, but we think this is cool. More: Roll Call

Note 12: So has anybody else decided recently to never ever ever ever fuck with Ukrainains? More: The Guardian

Note 13: Joe Manchin is pushing some energy bill and talking about a new BBB. We frankly don’t give a flying fuck. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Wanna see an Alex Jones asshole cry? Of course you do. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Oh those motherfuckers. EVEN WILLIE NELSON COULDN’T VOTE IN TEXAS?!!! More: 921hankFM

Note 16: Mitch McConnell said he had an open mind on Judge Jackson but he’s gonna vote against her. Yeah, we just couldn’t see that open mind because it was covered by a white hood. Fuck that asshole. More: NBC News

Note 17: In the fourth day of the Jackson hearings, Republicans called Alabama’s AG as a witness and he refused to acknowledge that Joe Biden is the duly elected president of the United States. Cool guy. More: The Hill

Note 18: The Jan. 6 committee is going to vote on contempt charges for Peter Navarro and Dan Scavino. Given that Merrick Garland is missing, we can’t imagine they’re all that worried. More: CBS News

Note 19: Ok, SPs, let’s shimmy on over to the news and then get to the weekend. We love you, and we really hope your Holy Fucking Shit glands are still working. Or maybe we don’t. Love y’all!

Gee thanks, Joe

Corrupt hillbilly piece of shit Joe Manchin is making news for finally not fucking over his fellow Democrats and saying he will vote to confirm Judge Jackson. Well that’s one Black person Manchin will allow to vote. Anyway this whole thing has been so fucking gross and we’re just as disappointed with Senate Democrats as we are disgusted by the Ted Cruz Crew. Now we all just sit back and wait for Kyrsten Sinema. Jesus how is this our life now? More: CNN

Lock him up

Hey Republicans who are worried about people being soft on crime! We found a criminal for you! He’s you! Yeah, U.S. Rep. Jeff “Fart sniffer” Fortenberry was convicted on three counts on lying to the FBI about taking campaign cash from a foreign source. We’re sure SCOTUS will eventually spring him, but right now let’s all just enjoy being shocked by a rare case of accountability. More: CNN

Joe-land

Get it? Like Poland but with Joe? Ok fine. Joe Biden is in Poland today after finishing his visit with NATO and G7 partners in Brussels. Biden called for Russia to be expelled from the G20, and he firmed up a new energy plan to move Europe away from Russian energy. He’s meeting with the 82nd Airborne and the Polish president today, and then tomorrow he will give a “major” speech about what’s going down. Godspeed, Mr. President. More: CNN

Today’s clips

NO CLIPS HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.