Today's Big Stuff 3.23.22

3.23.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 230(!) days until the midterm elections. Trump destroys one of his most adoring lunatics, prayers up for Hillary and Psaki and President Biden heads to Europe with an FU for PU.

Be advised: This newsletter is really really obseen. And probably needs more fuckin editing.

Note: Ok, Sexy Patriots, we just checked our watches and it turns out it’s time to absolutely lose our shit on some Senate Republican scumbags. Like where the fuck do we even begin? We’re sure as shit not gonna show you a Hawley clip. That shit gave us nightmares. Like that guy is obviously the clown from It, right? Or the clown from John Wayne Gacy’s mirror?

Thirteen hours of absolute bullshit. We seriously want to go in on all of them. Murkowsky thinks Hawley’s questioning was fine?! John Kennedy wants to call a Black woman “articulate?!” Marsha Blackburn wants her to define woman?! If you’re like us, your blood has been boiling so much over the GOP’s treatment of Judge Jackson that you damn near want to put Tom Cotton’s head in a vice only to discover someone already did that. And as always, even in a gaggle of assholes, one miserable motherfucker manages to stand out.

You knew who we were talking about before you even saw the tweet, didn’t you? Yeah, we were just gonna spend the whole newsletter today calling members of his family ugly, but then we realized we’d never get rid of him. So instead, please allow us to tell you a little story.

This is the story of the racist baby. He was born in Canada to two terribly cruel, dim-witted and unattractive people who routinely beat their heads against the wall because they believed intelligence to be the mark of the devil. After yet another season of failing to grow Skittles on their farm, the Cruz’s had a child. But this was no ordinary child. This was a rare butt baby. Yes, the child was birthed through the anus of a possessed goat and landed with a wet thud in a pile of shit it knew as home. He was born stupid, evil and hating everyone, and the world hated him back. Even after he was elected to the United States Senate. GASP! Yes, that demon goat’s poopy child grew up to be Ted Cruz. Now you know.

Note two: LOL. Ok, that one got away from us a little bit. It was gross and weird and we’re sorry. And this dude is a goat ass baby too.

Note three: If we can be serious for a moment, we just want to say how much we love Judge Jackson and how grateful we are she’s going to be on the Supreme Court. We’re also grateful to not be in a political party led by creepy racist shitheads. And America agrees with us on the judge. More: The Hill

Note four: HOLY SHIT!!! Mark Meadows’s wife filed THREE false voter forms. Why the fuck isn’t she in jail already? Drinking toilet wine has to be better than kissing Meadows. More: Washington Post

Note five: Did you see the horrible tornadoes in New Orleans?! We freaking love that city, and we’re sending all the warmth and positive vibes we got. More: CNN

Note six: We don’t normally do birthdays becasue that’s Politico’s thing and they’re evil people who steal Halloween candy from kids and sell it to diabetics. That said, today is the 12th birthday of the Affordable Care Act! Woohoo!!! What a monumental piece of legislation that changed millions of lives. Thanks, Obama! More: Huff Post

Note seven: How bad was the treatment of Judge Jackson? Even the NYT couldn’t ignore it. More: New York Times

Note eight: We’ve seen something unusual the last couple of days. Two Republican governors have vetoed attacks on trans kids while noting how cruel they are. We don’t expect this trend to grow, but damn it’s nice to see a flicker of humanity over there. More: Axios

Note nine: Iowa, it’s been fun, but we’re looking to get more diverse and representative. We’ll always have fried pork chops on a stick. More: CNN

Note 10: Oklahoma is getting ready to outlaw abortion. Which a broken and corrupt Supreme Court made possible. More: The Hill

Note 11: Congrats to Judge Patricia Guerrero who was just confirmed as the forest Latina on the California Supreme Court. More: NBC News

Note 12: Seriously y’all. Ukrainians are just built different. More: CNN

Note 13: Republican candidates are now refusing debates unless they’re moderated by registered Republicans. Cowards. More: Inquirer

Note 14: So yeah we saw that thing about Putin’s spokesman refusing to rule out nukes, but we’re just gonna breeze on past it because life is too short to live in fear. More: CNN

Note 15: Oh look. A Republican insurrectionist has been granted asylum in Belarus. Good. Don’t try to come back either, fucker. More: CNN

Note 16: We’re just shocked the Jewish space lasers lady is a Kremlin propagandist. Hey Russian war ship, go fuck yourself. More:

Note 17: Paul Manafort was removed from a plane to Dubai this morning for trying to fly on a revoked passport. Sure sounds totally aboveboard to us. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Clarence Thomas is still in the hospital. Sad face emoji.

Note 19: Ok you gorgeous freedom fighters, let’s get our happy asses on over to the news section. Assuming you stuck around after demon goat poopy child. We love y’all, and we hope you have an awesome day!

Mo problems

LOLOL. So we probably should’ve done the opening note on this. Trump has turned his back on lunatic loyal soldier Mo Brooks who wore fucking body armor to the Jan. 6 rally. Yeah, Brooks said something about moving on from 2020, and Trump just cut off his tiny little nuts in front of the whole world. Sucks to be Mo. But that was always true. More: CNN

Get well soon!

Both Hillary Clinton and Jen Psaki announced yesterday that they have tested positive for COVID. We’re assuming they’ll treat it like mediocre men and just speed right past it, but we’re still sending our best wishes to them. It’s also a good reminder that this shit ain’t over and if you’re not boosted, please get boosted. CNN, CNN II

Safe travels

President Biden is off to Brussels to reaffirm the United States’ commitment to NATO and to give an international middle finger to the piece of shit dropping bombs on Ukraine. While in Brussels, Biden might announce a permanent larger troop presence in Europe as a warning shot to Putin. The president will travel later this week to Warsaw. The orange fuckhead would already be eating caviar in Moscow. More: NPR

Today’s clips

On Monday, after intense fighting, Ukrainian forces regained control of Makariv, a town west of Kyiv that had been battered by Russian airstrikes. More: CNN

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