Today's Big Stuff 3.22.22

3.22.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 231 days until the midterm elections. Democrats push back on Hawley’s gross BS, of course Trump got foreign policy advice from Kid Rock and a Republican Senate candidate turns out to be a scumbag (GASP!). 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanitm. We can’t spell for shit either. 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! If you’re tuning in today wondering if we’re just gonna completely go off on the racist cousin-fucking sleeze that has the goddamn gall to question Judge Jackson, well, that’s actually what we have scheduled for tomorrow. Today we’ve got something totally different but equally unhinged. 

You might have read about how Russia is losing troops the way Marsha Blackburn lost her mind — quickly, in the mud and because of meth and inbreeding. Those last two might be specific to Marsha. But yeah, a pro-Kremlin tabloid reported (and then deleted) that Russia has lost almost 10,000 troops! Now Pooty has been telling us the number is closer to 500, so we thought we’d find out for sure. That’s why today we’re interviewing Russian General Igor Ivanov, and we’re gonna clear this up right now.

TBS: Gen. Ivanov, this is Today’s Big Stuff. Can you hear us ok?

Unidentified Ukrainian: The general can’t come to the phone right now because we just killed his ass. 

TBS: Oh, ok. Well thanks and have a good day.

UU: Thanks! You too! 

Ok so that didn’t work out. Fortunately, we have a back-up. You’re about to hear from Russian General Dmitry Popov, who will tell us what the death toll for Russian troops actually looks like.

TBS: Hello? Gen. Popov are you there?

Unidentified Ukrainian: Sorry, bro. We just killed that sorry motherfucker too.

TBS: No problem! Thanks for letting us know.

UU: Buh-bye! 

Jeez. This is getting embarrassing. The good news is we have one more guy we can try. Please welcome Russian Gen. Nikita Sidorov.

TBS: Is Gen. Sidorov there?

Unidentified Ukrainian: LOL. Nope.

TBS: Understood. Again, thanks for letting us know. 

Alright so this has been a disaster. We apologize that we weren’t able to provide some clarity. Or maybe we did. And to the Russian generals who couldn’t join us today, well, that’s what you fucking get. More: Daily Beast

Note two: Was that in poor taste? Probably. But that’s kind of our thing. So here’s something nice that frankly we really fucking needed to see.

Note three: So we’re gonna get into this in the news section, but we just had to show you this picture of Kid Rock. It’s like Sarah Palin and Garth from Wayne’s World had a baby and Mike Lindell introduced that baby to crack.

Note four: It’s 70 degrees warmer than usual in Antarctica. We’re not scientists, but that seems pretty fucking bad to us. More: Washington Post

Note five: Amazing. We’re older than dirt and we still can’t spell Antarctica without looking it up. It’s the February of continents.

Note six: So yesterday Biden felt compelled to send a specific message about Russian cyber attacks on the U.S. We don’t have any expertise here, but we are keeping our gas tanks full and some cash on hand. Sam also bought a butter churn, but he has no idea how to use it and the butter tastes like shit. More: CNN

Note seven: Yesterday Mike Flynn said that Putin has “already won.” Remember when this traitor was the nation’s National Security Adviser? Remember when mainstream news organizations like CBS thought he was getting a raw deal? NO LINK

Note eight: Hey, so we need to apologize for something. We’ve always prided ourselves on being great about returning emails quickly. But we’re a little backed up, and we feel like real assholes about it. So if you’ve sent us a note, we are genuinely sorry it’s taking us so long to respond. 

Note nine: Did you see the Ohio Republican Senate debate last week where two of the candidates almost got in a fight? Good. You shouldn’t be watching shit like that. It’ll give you nightmares. Anyway, even Steve Bannon is telling them to tone it down, and Bannon is the guy Kid Rock thinks looks like hell. More: Mediaite

Note 10: So we weren’t gonna weigh in on the NYT editorial board thinking the First Amendment includes a guarantee against mockery, so we’ll just let Will Bunch take it. Also, the NYT editorial board is a fucking joke. More: Inquirer.com

Note 11: Yesterday during Judge Jackson’s hearing, Lindsey Graham said he’s used to being called a racist and it doesn’t bother him. Dude, if you got called a racist so much that you get used to it, then you’re a miserable goddamn racist. More: Forbes

Note 12: Russia killed a 96-year old Holocaust survivor. How is this happening? More: CNN

Note 13: So big YIKES. The White House is warning that it’s out of money to keep fighting COVID. We get that everyone in Washington wants to act like this shit is over, but this commitment to the bit is terrifying. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Alex Navalny, the guy with the Jupiter-sized nuts who has repeatedly taken on Putin, was sentenced today to nine years in maximum security. He quoted The Wire in response. Putin’s enemies are some badass mothefuckers. More: CNN

Note 15: Wow. A Republican governor who doesn’t care about kids’ genitals. What a refreshing change of pace. More: CNN

Note 16: If you’re a Disney employee who’s walking out today, we’ve got your back. If you’re the new CEO, kiss our asses. More: NBC News

Note 17: So we don’t know what went down with Ted Cruz at this airport, but we’re guessing nobody tried to hug him. More: People

Note 18: Lindsey Graham is on an all-time whine session this morning. He even asked Judge Jackson how religious she is on a scale of one to 10. You might think it’s impossible to get lower than him, but remember there are reporters who kiss his ass.

Note 19: Last night Russian propagandist Tucker Carlson attacked Ukrainian President Zelensky. This morning Zelensky took a crap that was bigger than Carlson. Smarter too.

Note 20: Ok, we’re starting to get so mad watching these hearings we better get to the news before this turns into one long fuuuuuuuck. Ok so that’s mostly what it is anyways. We hope y’all are having a great week, and we’re excited to see you back here tomorrow. Unless you’re a Russian general. 

Judge Jackson

The first day of Judge Jackson’s hearings were about what you expect. Her family was amazing and proud, her husband was emotional and so cute and Marsha Blackburn is what it looks like when you throw a bucket of shit on a burning cross. So far today the judge has pushed back on Josh Hawley’s child porn bullshit and endured some truly appalling attacks from Lindsey Graham over her religion. Republicans and their reporters are being exactly what we expected them to be, but they are still no match for Judge Jackson. More: MSNBC

Wut

In an interview with Russian propagandist Tucker Carlson, Kid Rock said that Trump was showing him maps (where they classified?) and asking his advice on foreign policy. “I’m like what? I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this.” No, you’re not. But neither was the piece of shit asking you. JFC. More: The Guardian

Lock him up (seriously)

Missouri Senate candidate Eric Greitens, who you might remember from tying up a woman in his basement and filming her for blackmail purposes, has been accused of abuse by his ex-wife. She also said he abused their children. He is of course a horrible scumbag who accused her of being political and trying to hurt his campaign. It’s so fucking gross it’s just perfect for the modern Republican Party. We’re sure that Trump endorsement is coming any minute. More: CNN

Today’s clips

The Biden administration has formally determined that Myanmar's military committed genocide and crimes against humanity against the Rohingya, a US official told CNN on Sunday. More: CNN

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