Today's Big Stuff 3.2.22

3.2.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 251 days until the midterm elections. Biden brings some truth, a big goddamn jobs number revision and Ukraine stands but the losses are mounting.

Be advised: Y’all know how it is. Cussing and spelling shit all fukced up.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Are you still fired up? Did President Biden’s speech give you the feels? Do the kids still say that? The feels? It feels dated. Damn that’s a bad joke. Moving on! So yeah, we were pretty damn impressed by the president’s speech last night. And to be honest, we fucking needed the pep talk.

He was more eloquent about it, but Joe was right when he said that shit has really been fucked up. Really fucked up indeed, Mr. President. We heard strength and resolve in his voice as he talked about supporting Ukraine. We heard decency, compassion and vision. Can you hear vision? Fuck it. You know what we mean. And about halfway through this important national status report that Joe is knocking out of the park (fuck now we’re mixing metaphors too), Sam had a brilliant-for-him idea that unfortunately came too late to get to the speechwriters (we’re sure they would’ve been oh so happy to have it beforehand though:

And then it happened. He fucking did it. The sexy sonofabitch did it. He actually said Russia warship go fuck yourself. We couldn’t believe it. We were beside ourselves, whooping and hollering and cussin’. Chanting U-S-A! It was awesome. Now you might have heard him close with a rousing “Go get ‘em!,” but what you were actually hearing was code for Russia warship go fuck yourself. Yeah, it’s based on an ancient variation of pig latin. Is that true? Of course not. But who says the Q lunatics are the only people who can have a little fun being fucking nuts? We can make up stupid shit too. So yeah, from now on, “Go get ‘em” means Russia warship go fuck yourself. Y’all cool with that? Ok, it’s done. Go get ‘em.

Note two: Yeah, we’re just gonna go with our own idiotic conspiracy theory instead of addressing the right’s idiotic conspiracy theories. Nobody got time for that shit.

Note three: Wasn’t it an awesome sight to see those brilliant, powerful women standing on the dais behind the president last night? Well imagine if the devil took that picture, ate it and then shat it out in bizarro world. It would look like this…

Note four: Like seriously, over the weekend Marjorie Taylor Gross speaks to Nazis and McCarthy yesteday refuses to answer questions about it. The only people pretending they can’t see what the Republican Party is these days are Mitt Romney and the entire political press corps. More: The Hill

Note five: But enough about hateful scum. This was beautiful. If you ignore the dumbshits, last night was pretty special.

Note six: This is one of the more fucked up things in today’s TBS. Maybe we should abolish the FEC. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: Did y’all see Chuck Todd asking NBC’s war correspondent how the SOTU was received in Ukraine? LOL. What a fucking idiot. Well Chuck it’s 6 am and they’re getting the shit bombed out of them. Oh right. Unreal. NO LINK

Note eight: So Texas has gone full on fascist as the state has opened its first investigation into a parent who has a trans teenager. After we get done supporting Ukraine, we really ought to think about supporting democracy and decency in Texas. More: NBC News

Note nine: We honestly don’t know how this man is doing it. But the world needed a hero, and here he is. More: Axios

Note 10: Y’all know one of our favorite things to ever happen was when all those Trump idiots sank their boats. Well the trucker convoy is kinda like that. More: Independent

Note 11: Who knew there was such a thing as being too much Nazi for the Arizona Republican Party? We thought that’s how you got in. More: Associated Press

Note 12: It’s really kinda shocking it’s not a bigger story that people aren’t allowed to vote in Texas anymore. Seems like a big goddamn deal to us. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Did y’all see McConnell vs. Rick Scott over Scott’s raise-taxes plan? Mitch gets really pissed off when people talk out loud about who Republicans really are. More: CNN

Note 14: So Wisconsin Republicans have completely lost their shit. Remember that former state supreme court judge they asked to investigate the 2020 election? Remember how he turned out to be insane and wanted to jail mayors who didn’t cooperate with him? Well he released his report and it calls for decertifying the election, which of course is not a thing. More: WISN-TV

Note 15: Wish good luck to Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson today as she starts meeting with Senators. No matter how bad your day is, at least you don’t have to sit and be nice to Mitch McConnell. More: CNN

Note 16: Herschel Walker is a dangerous certifiable lunatic. And even Marjorie is too fucked up for him. More: The Hill

Note 17: It’s nice to see some entertainment providers finally doing something about Russia Today. When are they getting to Fox? More: Axios

Note 18: Did y’all see Gillibrand talking to John Roberts before the SOTU? She said she was asking him to continue to uphold precedent. Goddamn we would’ve loved to have heard her giving him the business.

Note 19: Joe Manchin sat with the Republicans. But that’s only because there wasn’t a section labeled CORRUPT SELF-IMPORTANT PIECES OF SHIT. NO LINK

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful sexy patriots, let’s hustle on over to the news section. We hope y’all are having a great week. Go get ‘em!

Go Joe!

We use that subhed a lot. Oh well. No time to dwell on it. Last night the president delivered a homerun state of the union that made clear he is on the side of freedom, decency and working people and that the other side is something that was clinging to Satan’s butthole. If we had a critique, it would be that not nearly enough time was spent on voting rights. We keep acting like the Republican Party isn’t destroying democracy here at home. Other than that, well done, Mr. President. More: NBC News, CNN

WTF?!

So you know how last month they told us the economy lost 301,000 jobs? Well now they’ve revised that upward by 509,000 jobs. Yeah, they were only off by 800,000 fucking jobs. Clearly the pandemic broke the way we report this shit, and we need a new system. Oh and private payroll increased by 475,000 jobs in February so nice work again, Brandon. More: Reuters

Tragic

Reports are that about 2,000 civilians have now been killed in Ukraine. Russia is embarrassed and stalled so Putin is doing what he does best and killing innocent people. We thought Biden was pitch perfect on this last night, and the move to close American airspace to all Russian aircraft is a big one. If you pray, please keep praying for Ukraine. More: CNN, Huff Post

Today’s clips

The Russian economy is taking "serious blows," the Kremlin acknowledged Wednesday, as the country's growing isolation piles further pressure on its tottering financial system. More: CNN

Texas kicked off the nation's 2022 midterm election calendar Tuesday, holding the nation's first primaries. Republican Gov. Greg Abbott easily defeated two vocal but poor-performing rivals and is now set for a marquee battle with Democrat Beto O'Rourke, the former congressman, in the fall, per CNN projections. More: CNN

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