Today's Big Stuff 3.15.22

3.15.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 238 days until the midterm elections. We have a schedule for Judge Jackson, Manchin screws us (and the planet) again and heroism in Russia.

Be advised: What has four thumbs and likes to cuss and misspell shit? These gums. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you? Trying to keep it together during a shocking run of horrifying news? Well you smell terrific. And your observational powers are not to be trifled with. Because this is a shocking run of horrifying news. In fact, we just got off the phone with our dude Gleep Glorp. Gleep is the director of crazy stats and weird crap at the University of Uranus, and he told us that Earth is now the all-time leader of the universe for fucked up shit. 

Yay?

Yeah, Gleep says we shouldn’t celebrate. In fact, he said he’s never seen such high readings for fucked up shit coming off of one planet. Jupiter came close a few years back when it was raining diamonds and the glitter centaurs turned to cannibalism, but we have lapped them. Now we know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re sexy as all hell and holy shit I live on Earth! Well, we know you do and we thought you might be concerned. All we can say is this — keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing awesome.

Look, everything is a goddamn fucking mess. Except you. You’re kicking ass against impossible odds and unprecedented bullshit and you’re looking damn good doing it. You’re also keeping us going with your kind words of encouragement and your devotion to democracy and decency. And besides, Gleep says this kind of thing usually doesn’t last more than a thousand years, so we got this. 

Note two: On a serious note, please hang in there and keep your heads up. We’ve got each other, and we got cussin’. And that’s a lot. Also if University of Uranus made you giggle like a teenager, you’ve found the right newsletter.

Note three: Y’all, we’re beginning to think that some members of our political press just aren’t up for this shit.

Note four: You know in horror movie sequels when the person who’s obviously gonna get eaten or macheted first is like oh thank goodness things are back to normal and that stabby eat people monster is gone? Well this is that. 

Note five: Hey btw, thanks for all your kind notes yesterday. We’re sorry we’re a little behind in responding. As a reminder, we’ll be off Thursday and Friday of this week, and some of y’all seem to think March Madness and St. Paddy’s Day are the reasons why. You’re not totally wrong. But mostly we just need some time to meditate and scream cuss words at the sky.

Note six: There’s a very angry, very orange and very dumb man in Florida screaming at Time Warner because it’s killing a Russian propaganda channel. Sounds like someone DOJ might want to look into. More: Independent

Note seven: So Idaho has joined Texas in seceding from the United States of Not Taliban Assholes. More: CNN

Note eight: China, if you’re listening, don’t you dare help those Russian monsters. More: BBC

Note nine: So the Proud Boys leader had a document that laid out what the plan was for Jan. 6. And they brought a fucking documentary crew with them to a Washington parking garage to talk about it. So what the fuck do these boys have to be proud of? More: New York Times

Note 10: Dear whiny Truckers screwing up D.C. traffic with their tantrums, go fuck yourself. More: The Daily Beast

Note 11: Breonna Taylor’s mom met with DOJ. We sure hope DOJ was listening. More: CNN

Note 12: If y’all haven’t seen Abbott Elementary, check it out. It’s brilliant and hilarious and touching, and it just got greenlit for a second season. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 13: We have no trouble believing that Russian Ron Johnson torpedoed a judicial nomination because he’s a homophobic asshole. What we don’t understand is why the coward Dick Durbin let him get away with it. More: Wisconsin Examiner

Note 14: Benjamin Hall, the Fox News reporter who has been on the ground in Ukraine and pushing back against the lies and propaganda of his own network, has been injured in the fighting. We don’t know the details, but we’re sending him good vibes. And that ain’t what we usually send them Fox people. UPDATE: We learned while we were publishing that Hall’s camerman, Pierre Zakrzewski, was killed in the attack. More: CNN

Note 15: This is a hard but important read about what Republicans are doing in Georgia. Maybe after they beat Putin, Ukrainians will come over here and save our democracy too. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Hear from the women sentenced to six years for trying to vote. More: Bolts Mag

Note 17: Ron DeSantis started off his term as govenor by instituting a poll tax. Now he’s targeting Black-held congressional seats. What are we supposed to think of the white Washington journalists who love this guy so much? More: NBC News

Note 18: Wait. Why in the world was Madison Cawthorn carrying weapons in his wheelchair on Jan. 6? And how has that dumbfuck not shot off a foot? More: Raw Story

Note 19: We just found out that Russia has sanctioned President Biden and Secretary Blinken. They have authorized us to respond (not really but we’re gonna anyway) — Russia dumbshits, go fuck yourselves. 

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, to the news section! We hope your week is kicking much ass. Keep calm, and stay sexy as fuck. 

Let’s go!

Yesterday Senate Judiciary officially noticed Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s SCOTUS hearings. Woohoo! Things get underway on Monday with opening statements from the committee members, the people introducing the judge and the judge herself. Questioning will start on Tuesday with a second round scheduled for Wednesday. The hearings are scheduled to wrap up on Thursday with testimony from outside witnesses. Y’all ready? Hell yeah. We are too.

This motherfucker

Welp Manchin fucked us again. Yeah, he came out of nowhere yesterday and said he’s a no on Sarah Bloom Raskin, one of Biden’s fed nominees, because he doesn’t like her views on energy. Someone tell this fucking idiot what the Fed does. Anyway, he’s a corrupt piece of shit who enjoys humiliating the president, and that’s just what he keeps being and doing. Goddamnit. Sherrod Brown is keeping the nominees together as a package and looking to force Manchin to actually vote no. Good, make that sonofabitch show everyone who he really is. More: NPR

Wow

We were relieved today to see a picture of Marina Ovsyannikova in court this morning. She is the Russian television journalist who burst onto live tv yesterday to protest the war, admitting that she had been pushing propaganda and calling for peace. She was immediately arrested. She is a fucking hero. In a world of evil liars, truth is the greatest weapon. And this woman is a warrior. Makes you think about some of the gutless kiss-asses we’ve got over here, doesn’t it? 

Today’s clips

Oil prices tumbled below $100 a barrel on Tuesday, setting prices up to settle at their lowest levels since the initial days of the Russian invasion of Ukraine nearly three weeks ago, as investors reassessed the huge run-up in prices seen in recent weeks. More: Market Watch

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