Today's Big Stuff 3.14.22

3.14.22

It’s Monday. There are 239 days until the midterm elections. Say a prayer for a real president, Zelensky to address Congress (virtually) and a lunatic in Florida calls for his supporters to “lay down their lives.”

Be advised: Do you think the time change makes us cuss less or improve our spelling? Well it fucking don’p.

Note: Sexy Patriots! What goddamn time is it? What goddamn day is it? Are y’all struggling like we are? Of course not. You somehow seem even sexier. Guess you don’t need your beauty sleep like we do. The thing about going back in time an hour in the current era is it’s a little like someone hitting a rewind button on the remote, so you start doing everything backwards for an hour but only if you’re doing really gross shit that would be nasty to do in reverse like eating or blowing your nose or pooping or trying to help Bill Barr rewrite history.

And while it’s tempting to spend a little time comparing Barr’s NBC lovefest with reverse pooping, we actually wanted to share with you a little exclusive. It seems that the evil little elves at Politico are asking the evil big elf Josh Hawley to stop using the picture they took of his treasonous ass raising a fist to egg on terrorists who attacked our Capitol.

But it isn’t as clean as it looks. We actually obtained a text message exchange between Hawley and Politico and we wanted to share it with you —

Politico: Bro, you gotta stop using our shit.

JH: What the fuck? I thought y’all were soulless scumbags too. Why are you doing me like this?

Politico: Oh we are, but you ain’t making one fucking cent off our shit without us getting a cut.

JH: So this isn’t about me being a traitor who tried to overthrow the U.S. government and got a bunch of cops injured in the process?

Politico: No, dude, we totally suck. We don’t give a shit about any of that. Just money.

JH: Ok cool. Well fuck y’all, but it’s good to know we both suck.

Politico: Oh yeah, big time. We’re both the worst.

JH: Totes. What are y’all doing this weekend?

Politico: We don’t know yet. Want to steal some wheelchairs and then sell them back to hospitals?

JH: Oh hell yeah!

And scene. Yeah, it’s some messed up shit. Maybe that reverse pooping thing would’ve been less unsettling. Anyway, we hope y’all had a great weekend!

Note two: Now that we’ve sprung forward, we do have a short programming note to share with you. As part of a little spring break to recharge the old batteries, we’re going to be taking this Thursday and Friday off. You can read Politico instead, but we think a backwards crap sounds like more fun. And if you really need some cussing those days, just shoot us a note and we’ll respond with some profanity.

Note three: Did y’all see Mittens call out Tulsi as a traitor? You know being anti-Putin is a slam dunk if even that weenie is calling people out.

Note four: So the news out of Ukraine is getting more and more horrifying by the day, and it started out at horrifying times 10. Over the weekend we learned that an award-winning American journalist was killed. There was more news this morning that ripped our hearts in two. We know y’all come here for news with laughs so we’re gonna try to not show too much shit that makes us cry our fucking eyes out. But if y’all think we should show more of the horrors of war, we understand and we’re open to hearing about it. More: New York Times, NBC News

Note five: Jane Campion, what are you doing?! No! Just no! More: Variety

Note six: Mother Jones obtained docs showing that Russian state media has been instructed to play Tucker Carlson in heavy rotation. Yeah, he ain’t with us. Maybe the White House should point that out. More: Mother Jones

Note seven: Madison Cawthorn, who loves Putin and Trump but hates Ukraine and America, accused Speaker Pelosi of being an alcoholic at an event over the weekend. The speaker doesn’t actually drink, but she’s about to drink this boy’s milkshake. More: Daily Kos

Note eight: Well well well. Adam Kinzinger says he wishes he had voted to convict Trump in his first impeachment. We like Kinzinger, but we’re waiting for the day when he has the same realization about the John Lewis voting rights bill. More: The Hill

Note nine: We’re not posting anymore of this Bill Barr shit. NBC helped give us Trump. Now they seemed determined to help his enablers clean the shit off their faces. And we ain’t helping that.

Note 10: At his weekend psycho fest, Trump attacked Nancy Mace and Tom Rice. Mace is just too pathetic to even criticize at this point while Rice is having a Kinzinger moment. More: The Guardian

Note 11: Don’t you wish that old motherfucker in Florida would just go away? But enough about Tom Brady. More: ESPN

Note 12: We’re kidding. Apologies to Pats fans, Bucs fans and other middle-aged dudes who would risk brain damage to avoid spending time with their families.

Note 13: We might be about to hit some more nasty supply chain issues. Why? Because COVID ain’t fucking over. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Virginia is resisting. More: Axios

Note 15: Ukraine is fucking up that America First bullshit. More: NBC News

Note 16: While we were writing, Ginni Thomas and the Washington Free Beacon published her attempt at damage control. Her scumbag husband gave a speech over the weekend warning about the Supreme Court losing legitimacy (LOL), and now she’s admitting she was at the ellipse on Jan. 6. She says she left because she got cold. We say she’s a miserable goddamn liar. NO LINK

Note 17: Pete Davidson is going to space. Kanye will now start stalking space. More: CNN

Note 18: We saw that Candace Owens was trending. We didn’t care enough to find out why.

Note 19: Ok, SPs, to the news! We’ve got brackets to fill out and a new time to adjust to. We hope y’all have a kick ass week!

Prayers up

Former President Barack Obama announced over the weekend that he has tested positive for COVID. He says he’s doing well and just has a scratchy throat. Thank god. Sen. Jeanne Shaheen and Rep. Zoe Lofgren have it too. This shit isn’t over, y’all. If you’re not yet boosted, please get boosted. More: Associated Press

Guest speaker

International hero and human middle finger to Putin Volodomyr Zelensky will give a virtual address to a joint session of the U.S. Congress on Wednesday morning. Speaker Pelosi and Leader Schumer announced this morning that the wartime hero will address us all directly. That’s one we’re not going to miss. More: CNN

JFC

Let’s wrap up today with Trump’s weirdness from South Carolina this weekend. He did his usual lying bullshit about losing the election, he said he’s going to fire everyone in the federal government when he’s president again and he called for his supporters to “lay down their lives” to stop the teaching of critical race theory. Yeah, so he’s so racist he’s calling for more violence. Seems like a big deal to us. So we’re clearly not the NYT. More: Business Insider

Today’s clips

Russia has asked China for military support, including drones, as well as economic assistance for its unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, according to conversations CNN had with two US officials. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.