Today's Big Stuff 3.1.22

3.1.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 252 days until the midterm elections. It’s SOTU day, DeSantis is a dick and the war in Ukraine gets uglier.

Be advised: We don’t like profanity or typos. Nah, we’re just fucking with yop.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, how the heck are you? Yeah, us too. Like how the fuck could you not be? But here we are. And we thought we’d deliver our State of the YOU-nyun. Boy, that really doesn’t work spelled out does it? Oh well. We press on through the shitty jokes!

The State of the YOU-nyun, or the Sexy Patriot Update, goes a little something like this — Our fellow Sexy Patriots, the State of the YOU-nyun is strong. And hot as all hell. You are doing fucking awesome. If your middle name isn’t Asskicker, it fucking should be. You’re really doing it. And honestly, we don’t know how. Things aren’t fucked up. They are fucked up squared. They are fucked up cubed. They are fucked up to the fucked up power. We’ve been gutpunched by a goddamn pandemic, we did four fucking years of lunatic tyrant rule, we’ve watched Kanye turn into a monster, we’re hanging on to our democracy by a motherfucking thread and now we’re looking at a world war?!!!! What the effing fuck?! Who pissed off who?! We’re getting the living shit kicked out of us by a universe with some kind of goddamn vendetta. And yet, here you are, you sexy motherfucker.

You’re doing it. Against all fucking odds and during a fucked up time to be alive and with a fresh new pack of hell to open almost daily, you are still standing here and putting one foot in front of the other and doing the damn thang. And right now, that’s not just a lot. It’s everything. It’s something to be grateful for. Oh and you can also be grateful this braindead dumbfuck ain’t your dentist. We love y’all!

Note two: So you might think Gosar’s stupid ass was the stupidest ass on twitter yesterday. Sadly, we doubt he made the Top 10. This pile of human dog shit came in second…

Note three: And the winner — a man with a third asscheek where his brain should be, the only man to ever be made smarter by a full frontal lobotomy and an anvil to the face, the dumbest dumbshit to ever get shat out of the dumbshit tree (we have seriously got to stop planting those) ladies and gentlemen, we give you…

Note four: Those first two are guests on Meet the Press this weekend. The third is Chuck Todd’s dad. Nah, we’re just kidding. We don’t know who’s on Meet the Press this weekend.

Note five: Hey y’all want some politics? Awesome. Welp, Susan Collins is full of shit and Joe Manchin is an asshole. Those might seem like evergreen statements, but we’re talking about both of them voting yesterday against a bill that would have codified a woman’s right to choose into law. We know Manchin sucks, but Collins has a lot of fucking nerve still calling herself pro-choice. More: NBC News

Note six: The eight people who are still allowed to vote in Texas are voting today. If you’re one of them, get your happy ass out there and vote. More: NPR

Note seven: Fuck. It’s now four people who are allowed to vote in Texas. More: Dallas News

Note eight: Kevin McCarthy said yesterday that Gosar and Gross attending a Nazi rally was “unacceptable.” Weird how he keeps accepting it. And McConnell said there’s no place for racism and anti-semitism in the Republian Party. Motherfucker, it’s THE place for racism and anti-semitism. More: NBC News

Note nine: Rep. Ted Deutch announced he is not running for re-election. We are losing a lot of good people. More: The Hill

Note 10: Rick Scott wants to raise taxes on middle-income households by $450. Let’s make sure everybody knows it. More: Forbes

Note 11: Yesterday the House passed anti-lynching legislation. Andrew Clyde (Ga.), Thomas Massie (Ky.) and Chip Roy (Tx) all voted against it. Probably because they’re racist shitheads. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Even in the worst of times, some humans still find the time and energy to be racist. Goddamnit. More: CNN

Note 13: What Greg Abbott is doing to the National Guard should be a bigger story. And if he was a Democrat, it would be. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 14: Today we’re seeing a lot of the people who helped Trump extort Zelensky tell us how much they stand with Ukraine. Well Elise, we’d prefer it if you’d go stand in fucking traffic. NO LINK

Note 15: Look, we ge that Pat Robertson is trying to fool us all by looking like a 200 year old Betty White, but he’s still a demented piece of shit. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Biden isn’t allowing Flynn or Navarro to hide behind executive privilege. Guess they’ll have to find another way to get away with everything. More: Axios

Note 17: Junior said crack isn’t really his thing. We know, bro. You like the powder. And whatever else fills the hole where daddy love is supposed to go. More: Independent

Note 18: Arizona Republicans are trying to kill early voting. Guess we could just strike the word early. More: AZ Central

Note 19: If you’re worried about nuclear war, we highly recommend the Golden Girls episode that addressed the sensitive topic.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s boogie on over to the news section. Y’all are fucking amazing, and we love you. Just keep doing what you’re doing — being awesome. See you tomorrow.

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Tonight President Biden will deliver his first State of the Union to a joint session of Congress. We expect him to talk a lot about Ukraine, we expect him to piss us off by giving a speech directly to Joe Manchin, we expect Republicans to act like horses’ asses and we expect the many response speeches to be stupid. And this has been What to Expect from the SOTU with TBS. More: CNN

Fuck off, Ron

In advance of tonight’s speech, President Biden requested National Guard troops to help secure a Capitol that was attacked just more than a year ago. Guess which dickhead governor said no. Yeah, Ron DeSantis needs his troops at home just in case a second grade teacher mentions her wife and has to be put in prison. More: CNN

And on it goes

The footage out of Ukraine is heartbreaking. Putin has targeted civilians and civilian areas, and the damage and destruction are unfathomable. Still, Ukraine stands. Russia has moved into a more brutal phase of its assault, and today could see communications knocked out for Ukraine. Keep praying, keep giving, keep resisting. We love you, Ukraine.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is receiving another major endorsement from a prominent Republican on Tuesday, this time a lawyer who represented President Donald Trump's former White House counsel, Donald McGahn, among other former Trump White House officials.

More: CNN

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