Today's Big Stuff 3.11.22

3.11.22

Happy Friday. There are 242 days until the midterm elections. Trump still won’t say anything bad about his Russian daddy, Mike Flynn pleads the fifth and yes Trump rigged the census. 

Be advised: We spell like Trump and cuss like Americans who had to live under Trump. Man that guy fucking sacks. 

Note: You did it, Sexy Patriots! You made it through another week in the United States of Holy Shit. And to commemorate your great accomplishment, we’ve got a HUGE treat for you today. If you’ve ever seen the movie Animal House, then you know the story of John “Bluto” Blutarsky. You also know that after his courageous actions in the famous Faber parade revolt, he married Mandy Pepperidge and went on to become an unlikely United States Senator. 

As Senator, Bluto was a bit of a disaster. It turns out that no, the Germans did not bomb Pearl Harbor. And the mistaken belief that they did was about the only thing Bluto “learned” in college. The fact that he was drunk and not that bright did little to dim his political career. In fact, he became something of a hero to drunken, brain-dead politicians everywhere. More: YouTube

Until one came along who changed everything. 

In the fall of 2019, Madison Cawthorn reached out to Sen. Bluto for some advice. Bluto greeted the young Republican in his Senate office, drank an entire fifth of Jack Daniels in one shockingly long pull and then proceeded to appraise Cawthorn as a politician and a human. Even Bluto was horrified by what he heard. We reached out to Sen. Bluto and this is what he told us:

Bluto: Someone once told me that fat, drunk and stupid was no way to go through life. That may be true for some people, but it works for politics. Still, what I’ve seen from Madison Cawthorn made me smash an acoustic guitar and then crush a beer can on my head. I left that meeting more upset than anytime in my life since that time my frat brothers and I accidentally killed a horse in the dean’s office. They had to chainsaw that poor fucker’s legs off, and talking to Madison Cawthron is still more gruesome than that. He’s a truly sick man, and I hope he stays far away from politics and just people in general. It’s just too easy to see him kissing Russian ass if those sonsofbitches ever start being evil again. Y’all wanna do some shots?

We declined his offer, though we were tempted. Thank you for the conversation, senator. Our best to your lovely wife, Mandy. Oh and Madison, fuck you, you piece of shit fucking traitor. 

Note two: Every goddamn night, Tucker Carlson pushes Russian State TV bullshit to an American audience. And every goddamn day, Democrats pretend like it didn’t happen. Hard to take on Putin when we’re afraid to take on his floppy-haired pet here at home.

Note three: LOL. Those loser truckers and their glory hole buddy Ted Cruz are apparently upset that so many people keep giving you them the finger. Here’s a tip — if everyone’s giving you the finger and your only friend is Ted Cruz, then you suck and you have failed at life. Actually, these losers might not like Cruz either. More: HuffPost

Note four: We feel bad when we don’t have Ukraine in the news section because it is definitely the biggest story in the world. So two things — 1. Biden is about to revoke Russia’s “most favored nation” status and really fuck up their trade and 2. VP Harris is in Europe reminding the world what American leadership looks like. More: HuffPost, The Hill

Note five: You know how Sidney Powell is a treasonous dumb shit? Well the Texas State Bar has referred her to a judge for discipline. And that’s in Texas where laws don’t ever apply to white people. More: Houston Chronicle

Note six: The trial of the scum who wanted to kidnap Gov. Gretchen Whitmer is going down. It really is stunning to think about what little media coverage this generated in real time. More: ABC News

Note seven: If you’re like us, you’ve been just sick about Brittney Griner. Here is April Ryan with the latest from the White House. More: The Grio

Note eight: This one hurts. Willie Nelson’s older sister, Bobbie, who was a founding member of the Family Band, has passed away. She was 91. We saw Willie play a couple years ago, and we were shocked to see her escorted to a piano where she melted the damn thing and blew our minds. RIP. More: NBC News

Note nine: Shit. We also lost Luis from Sesame Street. RIP Emilio Delgado. More: People

Note 10: Well even for a Republican, this is some fucked up shit. More: Yahoo News

Note 11: How the fuck are we not still funding COVID relief? More: Washington Post

Note 12: Baseball is back. If the fans aren’t, we would totally get it because we are all so fucking sick of this shit. More: CBS Sports

Note 13: Speaking of sports, March Madness is upon us. If we take off next Thursday and Friday, it’s not about this. It’s about a doctors appointment or some shit. 

Note 14: It’s so goddamn nice to have a human first lady again. More: Courier-Journal

Note 15: So many companies have done the right thing and stopped doing business in Russia. Here’s a list of the ones who suck. More: CBS News

Note 16: Oh and you just know that Facebook is a company that sucks. More: Reuters

Note 17: Biden is canceling $6.2 billion in loans. Hell yeah. Keep going, man. More: Forbes

Note 18: Fuck. The Texas Supreme Court all but closed the door on reversing that disastrous abortion law. We don’t have a link yet, but trust us that it sucks. 

Note 19: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news AND the weekend. The world is a fucking mess, but you’re still sexy as hell. Please remember that when things seem a little too crazy. We love y’all, you’re doing great and we’ll see you back here Monday. Oh and if you never saw Animal House, we’re sorry that today’s opening note was complete gibberish. 

Say it!

Gosh, it sure seems weird to us that Trump, a man who attacked a teenager for trying to stop climate change, has never once said a bad word about Putin. It’s apparently weird to Sean Hannity too because Hannity tried repeatedly last night to get Trump to call Putin evil and Trump just wouldn’t do it. Hey, Democrats, let’s seize on this shit. We’re running against the Putin Party. Let’s make them feel some politics pain over this craven crap. More: The Daily Beast

Flynn trouble

American traitor and the person who is actually crazier than a shithouse rat Mike Flynn appeared before the Jan. 6 committee yesterday. He pled the fifth. Now normally we would argue that the fifth amendment is a constitutional protection that in no way implies or suggests guilt. But not in this case. That motherfucker is guilty and he should be buried under a fucking prison. More: CNN

19 million

That’s how many Americans were not counted in the census that Trump rigged. Yeah, and you wanna guess what color they are? Hint — it ain’t white. We knew all along this was happening because Trump was doing it in plain sight. Hell, he even got lying about it to the Supreme Court and two of the justices were like hey what’s the big deal. So yeah, we’re locked in for a decade on some bullshit numbers. Add this to the list of shit that orange motherfucker got away with. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

A federal judge on Thursday panned a recent court filing from special counsel John Durham, chastising him for including unnecessary information that fueled a firestorm in right-wing circles about supposed spying on former President Donald Trump. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.