Today's Big Stuff 3.10.22

3.10.22

It’s Thursday. There are 243 days until the midterm elections. House passes Ukraine aid as VP Harris lands in the region, Trump needs a new plane (and for you to pay for it) and Florida has seriously lost it.

Be advised: We’re cussing, misspelling stuff and coming in hat. That’s supposed to be hot. Goddamnit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some bad news. (Hey, TBS, we think you’re sexy too, but you gotta quit with the bad fucking news!) We hear you. This is more ha-ha bad news than like oh-holy-fucking-shit-did-you-see-what-just-happened-in-Ukraine-or-Florida bad news. Yeah, this bad news is about Don Jr. His allergies are acting up again.

Whoa there, fella. You look like a giant hummingbird if hummingbirds were dumber than doorknobs, unloved by their fathers and very clearly addicted to cocaine. Seriously, broseph, cocaine called and said to stop doing it. Yeah, cocaine is worried about you, homeboy.

We were gonna show you another clip of him, but instead here’s a transcript —

Junior: My daddy is so smart. He’s like the most smartest person ever. (SNIFF) I call him daddy. He calls me dumbfuck. It’s like a nickname. He also calls me Hey You. But he calls Eric that too. He calls Ivanka stuff I don’t like to repeat. (SNIFF) Anyway he’s so smart he (SNIFF) totally kissed Putin’s ass as part of a strategy. (SNIFF) He’s been working on this plan for decades. It’s why he couldn’t play catch with me or wish me a happy birthday or remember my name. (SNIFF — this sniff might be from crying, we can’t tell) Anyway, Brandon sucks, my dad is the new god and I love cocaine. Oh fuck. I didn’t say that last part. Oh who cares? Everyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot anyway. Especially daddy. (SNIFF — ok that one was definitely from crying. And cocaine.)

Note two: So we here at TBS would like to clarify that we would never make fun of someone with a substance abuse problem as Sam basically built that glass house by hand. But we feel like it’s ok in this instance because that dude is the absolute fucking worst. If you think we’re wrong, shoot us a note and we’ll sincerely apologize or angrily defend ourselves.

Note three: Merrick Garland did an interview with NPR and the takeaway basically is he’s working on it. We’re skeptical, but we’re very happy to see that he’s alive and actually a real person. We were beginning to wonder. More: NPR

Note four: Ya know, we liked Daniel Dale when he was fact-checking Trump. But this shit is just a super buzzkill.

Note five: Did y’all see that nutjob Colorado clerk was indicted by a grand jury? The case is fucking crazy. Oh and she’s also running for secretary of state. More: NPR

Note six: Americans are being hunted and harassed by their government. Thanks to NBC for talking to families with trans kids in Texas. More: NBC News

Note seven: Remember how a couple of House Republicans were hanging out with white supremacists and neo-Nazis? Well nothing is gonna happen to them, but Kevin McCarthy said he had a good talk with them and they won’t do it again. That’s seriously what he said. More: The Hill

Note eight: Mike Pence went to Israel and sought out two of the most racist assholes there. He definitely has a type. More: Huff Post

Note nine: The CPI shows inflation still higher than Snoop Dogg. Maybe today will be the day Republicans are asked about their plan to fight it. More: CNN

Note 10: So Trump did an interview with a UFC podcast yesterday (the shit we type out these days) and when he was asked about Ukraine, he started talking about windmills. How the hell has this motherfucker only gotten dumber? More: Yahoo News

Note 11: Officer Jeffrey Smith was one of the cops who responded on Jan. 6. He committed suicide a few days later. The city of Washington, D.C. has declared his death was in the line of duty and his wife can receive his pension and benefits. This was the right thing to do. More: Washington Post

Note 12: So you know how Texas just had a primary? Well those new Jim Crow laws worked the way they’re supposed to, and about 27,000 mail-in ballots were flagged for rejection. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Trump tried to make it where Democrats couldn’t vote for Liz Cheney in the upcoming Wyoming primary. So this is another thing he failed at. More: The Hill

Note 14: Did we always know Prince William was this guy? What the hell happened? More: Washington Post

Note 15: Ronna Not Romney McDaniel testified in front of the Jan. 6 committee yesterday. You almost feel sorry for the committee that it has to talk to these people. More: New York Times

Note 16: Well well well. Kraken crackhead Sydney Powell has been funding some of the Jan. 6 terrorists’ legal defenses. Makes sense since she’s one of them. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 17: So this fucking asshole who’s running Disney has made a fool of himself. Either he’s so dumb he got played by DeSantis, or he thinks we’re so dumb we’ll buy his bullshit. Here’s the thing, champ, we care a helluva lot more about our LGBTQ friends in Florida than we do about Obi-Wan Kenobi. More: EW

Note 18: Madison Cawthorn is a public menace. We really should get this wacko a padded room with some trees he can punch until he tires himself out. More: NBC News

Note 19: LOLOL. Stephen Miller is on his parents’ cell phone plan. Dude, you’re 36. What a powerful reminder that our country is being destroyed from the inside by total losers who hate everyone because they can’t get a date. More: Vanity Fair

Note 20: Well, Sexy Patriots, shall we meander on over to the news section? We love y’all very much, and we sure hope you’re having a great week and holding up well considering everything is all fucked up. Have a great day!

Aid

After some seriously embarrassing shit that involved removing COVID relief from the spending bill, Democrats passed $1.5 trillion in spending that includes $13.6 billion for Ukraine. The House also voted to ban oil imports from Russia. Oddly, Republicans like Gaetz, Greene and Massie all voted against it. Wonder why. The news comes as VP Harris has arrived in Poland where she announced $53 million in humanitarian assistance for Ukraine. She also backed calls for Putin to be investigated for war crimes, which he is clearly committing. We’re damn glad to have her over there representing us. More: ABC News, CNN

Chicken wings

The world almost got real lucky last weekend. Trump was flying back to Florida when one of the engines on his plane went out. He was forced to turn around. So what did he do? He sent out an email to his supporters asking them for money for a new plane. The televangelists of the 80s weren’t this fucking sleezy. More: Washington Post, The Hill

Fuckin’ Florida

It seems like every goddamn day there’s a new horrible thing coming out of Florida that leaves us just aghast. Today’s is the statehouse moving ahead with Ron DeSantis’s fascist plan for an election police force. Unless he sends these fuckers to the Villages, then this is just dangerous scary shit. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Cruel. Really, that’s the only way to describe many conservatives’ determination to pick fights with LGBTQ Americans, and with transgender children in particular. More: CNN

Lawyers who backed former President Donald Trump’s bogus election reversal gambits are facing fresh opposition for their involvement – in the form of a flashy new campaign, launched this week by fellow members of the legal community, aimed at potentially disbarring the Trump-aligned attorneys. More: CNN

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