Today's Big Stuff 2.9.22

February 09, 2022

2.9.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 272 days until the midterm elections. Wondering where all the emails people went, Mitch McConnell wants a cookie (but is striking out with normal people) and Obama will give a pep talk to House Dems. 

Be advised: How the fock is it only Wednesday?! Also, this newsletter cusses A LOT and spells shit wrong. 

Note: Hi there, Sexy Patriots? How are you today? Sexy and patriotic and sexy? Well that’s good. Us? We are also good. And sexy and patriotic. We won’t lie. We started out this morning a little flummoxed. We watched that video of Kevin McCarthy running like a chickenshit version of Forest Gump (Gutless piece of shit is as gutless piece of shit does). But what could we possibly say that would shame that loser anymore than that video does? 

Then we saw the video of Rep. Joyce Beatty demanding an apology from mega-asshole Hal Rogers. It’s really quite remarkable. And long overdue. When she said, “You picked the wrong woman today,” we stood up and started clapping and spilled a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch everywhere. Total fucking mess.

Not long after the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) held a press conference calling out this atrocious bullshit behavior — thank you, Rep. Hakeem Jeffries for asking “who do you think you are?” — Rogers went to Beatty and apologized. Beatty graciously accepted his apology last night. It probably goes without saying, but she is much, much classier than we are. 

And that’s why today we’re announcing the formation of the Apology Not Accepted, Motherfucker Caucus (ANAMC). Because we are so fucking sick of this shit and it will keep happening. The endless disrespect and harassment of their colleagues. You don’t get to be a complete fucking scumbag and then just say my bad and it’s all cool. It sure as fuck is not cool. So Hal, please kiss all of our asses. And when you’re done with that, go fuck yourself. Thanks and god bless. 

Note two: We’re gonna move quickly from that righteous outrage to some shameless self-promotion. This is a little different from what we normally do, but our own Uncle Sam wrote about his weekend with NASCAR in LA last weekend. 

The racing league looks to Los Angeles for new fans—and finds them

Note three: Ron DeSantis is an absolute monster. Also, what the fuck happened to Florida? More: NBC News

Note four: We haven’t stopped being livid that this woman was sentenced to six years for trying to vote. They better throw the whole goddamn book at those assholes at The Villages. More: Washington Post

Note five: This guy is pro-life. But he doesn’t care if kids die. No, we’re not sure how that works. More: Huff Post

Note six: There is no credible threat to the Super Bowl. There is however a credible threat to our waistline because we’re gonna get down with some nachos this Sunday. Who y’all think is gonna win? More: LAist

Note seven: So a few days ago we told y’all we didn’t know enough about what was happening in Canada to have an opinion. We do now. Anti-vaxxers can eat shit. And no, that’s not medical advice. More: Washington Post, CNN

Note eight: The Missouri Supreme Court disciplined those asshole lawyers who pointed guns at BLM marchers. If only it could force them to not be the worst people in the whole goddamn world. More: KCUR

Note nine: Gosh, Joe Rogan doesn’t seem all that apologetic. If he was an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick. (That’s an old joke from Wayne’s World, and we were delighted to think of it. Party on, Wayne. And party on, Garth.) More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 10: South Carolina Republicans want to ban drop boxes. Why don’t we just cut the shit and fast forward to the part where they admit they only want land-owning white guys to vote? More: The State

Note 11: Have you been wondering where all the stories are about suburban women who aren’t racist-loving assholes are? Us too. Well here’s one, and it’s really important stuff. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Remember that candidate in Louisiana who smoked a blunt on video? He’s back, and he’s burning a confederate flag (and melting our hearts). More: Rolling Stone

Note 13: We admire the hell out of Rep. Cori Bush. But she’s basically making ads for Republicans on this one. More: Axios

Note 14: So aside from a little women’s hockey, we haven’t watched any Olympics at all. But that hasn’t stopped us from rendering a verdict that these Olympics are really fucking weird and definitely shouldn’t be in China. More: CNN

Note 15: When Steve Bannon saw Trump coming down that escalator, he thought the orange assface looked like Hitler. And he thought it was a good thing. More: Business Insider

Note 16: Wow. Florida’s surgeon general won’t say if he’s vaccinated. Dude, why bother with medical school when you could have shoved your head up your own ass for free? More: Associated Press

Note 17: Speaker Pelosi is now supporting a ban on member stock trading. This was the right call, and frankly the other way was untenable. More: Axios

Note 18: Madison Cawthorn is probably shitting his pants. Which we imagine is a nice change of pace from shitting out of his mouth. More: CNN

Note 19: Huge congrats to the House on passing another short-term funding bill. Sigh. More: NBC News

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s boogie on over to the news section. Also, if y’all want to join our new caucus, we’ve got plenty of room and you can totally sit by us. We love y’all, and we hope you have a lovely Wednesday.

But her… oh fuck off

So it should be a big deal that Trump committed felonies by stealing from the White House and destroying presidential records right? Like didn’t we have a whole fucking presidential campaign about that kind of shit? Well, while Maga Haberman is printing bullshit GOP spin, the good folks at HuffPo actually wrote about the glaring hypocrisy. Thanks for the real journalism, HuffPo!

Where are the "lock him up" chants?

Gee thanks

Yesterday Mitch McConnell admitted that Jan. 6 was a “violent insurrection” and he said he didn’t think it was the job of the RNC to censure Republicans. Has the parade started yet? While the press and punditry were falling all over themselves to praise the turtle taint, we remembered that McConnell knew Biden had won for weeks and said nothing. We also remembered that McConnell is supporting and funding plenty of candidates who are pushing the big lie. So thanks and fuck off, Mitchy. Oh and Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan said no thanks to a Senate run because normal people don’t want anything to do with Mitch and his Cruz caucus. 

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) and other GOP lawmakers have criticized the Republican National Committee for censuring two lawmakers for serving on the House panel investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol by a pro-Trump mob.

Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan announced Tuesday that he will not be a candidate for US Senate, following a quiet campaign by Republican leaders to convince the term-limited governor to run.

Thanks, Obama

President Obama will address the House Democratic caucus by video on Thursday. It’s not a huge deal, but we just feel better when he’s involved and we wanted to draw some special attention to it. Thanks, Mr. President. 

Former President Barack Obama will speak to the House Democratic caucus on Thursday, two sources familiar with his plans told NBC News.

Today’s clips

Investigators for the House Jan. 6 committee are scrutinizing rallies and events as far back as a year before the Capitol riot in an effort to identify a broader network of planning and the causes of the attack, according to a half-dozen people helping conduct the committee’s investigation who spoke with NBC News.

Investigators for the House Jan. 6 committee are scrutinizing rallies and events as far back as a year before the Capitol riot.

President Joe Biden on Wednesday is turning his focus to making new commitments to elect more Democratic governors, a Biden adviser told CNN, following on his pledge to be deeply involved in this year's midterm elections.

President Joe Biden on Wednesday is turning his focus to making new commitments to elect more Democratic governors, a Biden adviser told CNN, following on his pledge to be deeply involved in this year's midterm elections.

The Biden administration believes it has until the end of February to salvage the Iran nuclear agreement, otherwise the US will have to change tack and launch aggressive efforts to prevent Tehran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, according to three administration officials.

The Biden administration believes it has until the end of February to salvage the Iran nuclear agreement, otherwise the US will have to change tack and launch aggressive efforts to prevent Tehran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, according to three administration officials.