Today's Big Stuff 2.8.22

2.8.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 273 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS tells Black voters in Alabama to fuck off, a Georgia DA that isn’t messing around and revisiting something kinda huge from last week.

Be advised: Do you like cussing and typos? Well you’re in lick because that’s what we do here. We mean luck. Urine luck. Oh goddamnit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, everything sucks except you. And we’re damn grateful to you for that. Ok ok, so everything doesn’t suck. Puppies are cool, television is pretty good right now and coffee is fucking awesome. And then there’s Mittens. Yeah, no matter how fucked up and awful shit gets, we’ll always have Mittens Romney to make fun of.

Today we’re giving the wedgie-loving weenie, the d-bag of Detroit, the Salt Lake Suck, the Useless Utahan, the business because — and this is only funny because it is just so fucking sad — he texted his niece Ronna, the chairwoman of the Republican National Committee and a proud member of the Republican Coup Attempt, to tell her he was disappointed the RNC censured Cheney and Kinzinger and then talked about how she’s “a wonderful person and doing her very best.” LOLOLOL. Buddy, she changed her goddamn name so as not to be associated with you. We should’ve known you’d still be kissing her ass someway somehow.

We thought about organizing a fundraiser so we could all chip in and get Mittens some self-respect. Then we remembered that gutless chickenshit is rich as hell. So instead we’re just going to imagine how Mittens would respond to other unpleasant situations.

The Jan. 6 terrorists who almost killed him — Well, I understand why they hate me, and honestly I don’t blame them at all. I went home that night, bear-sprayed and beat myself with the flag because they were right about me being the worst.

On President Obama beating him — Oh I totally had it coming. I knew the American people would see what a fraud I am, but boy oh boy did they have my number. Frankly, it should have been a much bigger landslide. I’ll never be a fraction of the patriot that Barack Obama is, and he probably should’ve slapped me silly for good measure.

On Trump’s endless attacks — Well, he makes some good points, and really hating me is a pretty American thing to do. In fact, I think Trump is so great and so right that I rub my own face in dog shit on the days he doesn’t attack me.

On his niece changing her name — Good for her. It’s a terrible name, and only weaklings and cowards use it. My dad used it pretty well, but it’s been all down hill from here. I told my sons Tagg and Doorknob they should change their name to Trump. I hate my name, but I also hate myself so it’s kind of perfect.

Goodness gracious, Mittens, get help.

Note two: Btw, everything doesn’t suck. Lots of stuff sucks, but it can’t all suck as long as fine sexy patriots like yourself are out there fighting for what’s right.

Note three: State AG races are about to become the most important races in the country. If you’re in the mood to save democracy, pick a state and a candidate and show them some love. Because these people never tire. They’re like the Terminator. If the Terminator was an idiot who fucked his cousin. More: Associated Press

Note four: House Republicans want to turn the Jan. 6 committee against Democrats. Oh and they’re blaming the security for not being tough enough to stop the mob of terrorists Trump sent to overturn the election. These sound like things Democrats should be talking about. More: Raw Story, Axios

Note five: We’re not sure if you saw this last weekend, but Glenn Youngkin, that Trump trash in a fleece vest, attacked a Virginia high school student on twitter. Then he blamed his staff for it. And made no apologies. Maybe the mainstream media fucked up when they presented this guy as a different kind of Republican. More: Washington Post

Note six: We were so pissed off that the AP left out Ivanka calling the terrorists “patriots” that we missed the revelation that Trump was rewinding and watching certain parts of the Jan. 6 attack over and over again. More: Talking Points Memo

Note seven: A second person is going to plead guilty to trying to kidnap the governor of Michigan. How different does the last year look if the news media had gone all-in on this crazy terrifying story when it happened? More: Reuters

Note eight: Kansas Republicans in the Senate tried to gerrymander Democrats into oblivion, got vetoed by a Democratic governor and then failed to override the veto. The fact that these people are dumber than dog shit might be the only reason they haven’t taken over yet. More: Kansas Reflector

Note nine: An overwrought dangerous lunatic wants a judge to reverse her sanctions because she says she isn’t “an overwrought dangerous lunatic.” Sure thing, Kraken lady. More: Law and Crime

Note 10: If you need a laugh today, look no further than Jerkoffithy Douchenson Vance. (Note: Might not be his actual name). Yeah, JD’s campaign is in a freefall because he just hasn’t kissed enough Trump ass. Go for it, bro. Show us all how pathetic you can be. More: Raw Story

Note 11: Here’s some free advice — when a hateful moron asks you for $40 million to build a school, you probably shouldn’t give it to him. More: Washington Post

Note 12: What the fuck kind of country treats its teachers this badly? More: NPR

Note 13: It sure seems like a big goddamn deal that South Florida seniors are having their party registration changed in a scam. We should really thinking about establishing some kind of Department of Justice to deal with this shit. More: Local 10

Note 14: So we’re not gonna link to it, but you know who at the NYT wrote about Trump stealing a bunch of shit from the WH and she wrote it up like it was a fucking accident. Like the career criminal was so busy trying to overthrow the government that he just didn’t realize he was stealing a bunch of shit that belonged to the American people. NO LINK

Note 15: We have no thoughts on the Academy Award nominations. We did think Summer of Soul was maybe the best movie we saw last year, and Don’t Look Up is really important (and funny).

Note 16: Trump says Joe Rogan should not have apologized for saying the n-word repeatedly. Gosh. Wonder if Trump has ever said it. (We’re obviously kidding) More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: Ok, SPs, let’s get on over to the news section. We hope your week got off to a great start, and we just know y’all are out there kicking ass and being sexy as all hell. Love y’all!

Fuck shit goddamnit

A broken and rigged Supreme Court yesterday broke all precedent and pretense and overruled a lower court that had called out Alabama for extreme racial gerrymandering. Not only did they take another whack at the VRA, but they did so from the shadow docket and they fucking lied about it. It’s an appalling ruling, and honestly it’s probably the tip of a white supremacist iceberg. If you’re mad as hell about this, we feel you. More: Washington Post, CNN, TPM, Slate

The devil shouldn’t have gone down to Georgia

Fani Willis isn’t fucking around. The Fulton County DA who has empaneled a grand jury to investigate Trump’s efforts to overturn the results of the election in Georgia said that she’ll start issuing subpoenas in May. They’ve identified about 100 witnesses, but obviously quite a few of them won’t be inclined to help. Godspeed, Ma’am. More: CNN

Legitimate political discourse

So we should’ve devoted space and cussing to this shit yesterday, but we are always a tad overwhelmed trying to get caught up from the weekend. So yeah, in the resolution to censure Cheney and Kinzinger, the RNC described what happened on Jan. 6 as “legitimate political discourse.” They sure fucking did. Ronna tried to walk it back later, but that’s what the motherfucker says. So yeah, we already knew they were all in with this crazy shit but now it’s official. More: New York Times, Huff Post, Washington Post

Today’s clips

Senior Canadian officials hit back Monday at high-profile U.S. Republicans who have voiced support for the self-described “Freedom Convoy,” as the group continued to block traffic in downtown Ottawa in protest of vaccine rules for cross-border truckers. More: Washington Post

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