Today’s Big Stuff 2.8.23

Today’s Big Stuff 2.8.23

It’s Wednesday. There are 636 days until the presidential election. Trump declares war on DeSantis, Dark Brandon tricks some idiots and Republicans hope to see a pee-pee.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a champ. Unfortunately, it spells like Lauren Bobert.

Note: The State of our union is SEXY! And patriotic of course. Well, did y’all see Dark Brandon’s fantastic speech? Aren’t you glad to be on his team instead of all those crazy fucks who were yelling the whole time?

Yikes. We figured all the good jokes about that had already been taken, so we set out to dig deeper. We wanted to know what kind of fur that is. Turns out it’s a rare animal, a dim-witted inbreeding moron animal that can barely stop eating its own shit long enough to feed itself or mate. It’s called the Marjorie. No, we’re kidding. It’s called the Trumptrashalope, and it is the opposite of a majestic creature. And we just happen to have an exclusive interview…

TBS: Greetings, Trumptrashalope! How are you?

Trumptrashalope: How the fuck do you think I am? I’m decorating a fucking idiot!

TBS: Yeah, that sucks. Did you hear her yelling at the president?

Trumptrashalope: Ugh. It’s so goddamn embarrassing. She does this shit everywhere we go.

TBS: Oh really? That must be rough.

Trumptrashalope: It’s a nightmare. Do you have any idea how many times a day she asks to see a manager?!

TBS: Probably a lot. But at least she’s keeping her neck warm, right?

Trumptrashalope: I’m not actually that warm. But I’m white, and that’s what she cares about.

TBS: We should’ve figured. Well good luck, Trumptrashalope!

We somehow ended up feeling sorry for a fictional animal we invented. Fur is murder. And being Marjorie’s fur is something much, much worse.

Note two: We would tell you all about Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s speech but we don’t hate ourselves enough to watch that awful shit.

Note three: Honestly, if you did hear what she said, don’t even tell us about it.

Note four: We’re gonna talk more about the SOTU, but you know what really tells the mood of the nation? Election results. And yesterday Democrats swept some special elections in Pennsylvania and won the House again. We ain’t tired of winning. More: Spotlight PA

Note five: You’re not gonna believe this, but we think Marjorie Taylor Greene and the rest of those assholes might just be a little out of touch with the American people…

Note six: We thought it was important that President Biden talk about “the talk” and ending the endless police abuse in this nation. Our hearts go out to Tyre Nichols’s family, and we’re grateful to them for showing the nation the stakes that are involved here. More: CBS News

Note seven: We also really appreciated his defense of Ukraine. It might’ve been predictable, but that’s a ballsy thing to do in front of that many Russian agents. More: Bloomberg

Note eight: And don’t look now, but Dark Brandon is going to Poland for the anniversary of Russia’s illegal invasion of Ukraine. Talk about a show of strength. More: NBC News

Note nine: If we could get Joe Biden to stop doing one thing, it would be saying nice things about Mitch McConnell. Goddamnit, Joe!

Note 10: Republicans called Joe Biden a liar for saying Republicans want to cut Social Security and Medicare. Let’s check in with someone we trust…

Note 11: So yeah, Republicans are definitely fucking coming for Social Security and Medicare.

Note 12: Speaking of Space Commander Santos, Mitt Romney found his inner brawler last night and told Santos to eat shit and then go fuck off. Ok so he didn’t put it like that, but he did tell Santos “you don’t belong here.” To which Santos responded “I do too. I’m Mitt Romney.” More: CNN

Note 13: Santos’s constituents went to Washington yesterday to let them know what they think of him. And then he spent all night trying to get himself on camera. More: NY1

Note 14: China refused a request for a secure call between Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin and his Chinese counterpart. Fuck it. Let’s send in our balloons. More: CNN

Note 15: Republicans held a hearing on the border yesterday. Our superstar Gen Z congressman reduced it to rubble with this…

Note 16: Elections matter. In Michigan, where Democrats won big, they’re trying to make sure kids aren’t going to have to go hungry at school anymore. More: MLive

Note 17: We realize (from previous editions) that not everyone loves LeBron. But the man battled Trump and he’s now the NBA’s all-time scoring leader and both those things deserve congratulations. More: ESPN

Note 18: Joe Rogan sucks. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. Joe Rogan sucks.

Note 19: Trump supposedly did a response to the SOTU. We couldn’t find anyone talking about it, so we aren’t either.

Note 20: Alright, you gorgeous SPs, let’s go do some news and then get back to being all sexy and patriotic. We hope this week is going great, and if it’s not, don’t worry because that motherfucker is halfway over. Love y’all!

Scumbag fight!!!

We haven’t really talked about what it will look like when Trump and DeSantis actually and finally face off for the right to lead their cult of hog-fucking dumbshits. Well yesterday, we got a little taste and holy shit this is gonna be fun and nasty. LOLOL! The Don’t Say Gay guy is a total fucking groomer! But so is the guy calling him that! It’s a battle of Shit vs. Shit-covered Shit, and the winner will be shit!

LOLOL

So as we mentioned in the opening note, Republicans screamed and yelled that Joe Biden was a liar for saying they wanted to cut Social Security and Medicare. It was then that Dark Brandon sprung the trap. He said ok good then we don’t have to worry about you sleazy motherfuckers trying to take Amercians’ hard-earned money. He might’ve put it a little differently. Still, he’s got reporters talking about how nimble he is, and that’s a good thing in our book. So are Social Security and Medicare, and Dark Brandon is standing watch over both.

More: HuffPost

Dick pic day

Today the totally serious and not at all ridiculous House Oversight Committee is gonna go fishing to find out why they can’t see pictures of Hunter Biden’s penis. If that sounds gross and stupid that’s because it is. Yeah, so fresh off an embarrassing night of asshole behavior that they couldn’t contain for like one fucking hour, Republicans are right back to remiding the American people just how weird and unserious they can be. We fully expect CNN and Politico to hang on every word. Or pic.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Seven additional Memphis police officers are facing discipline in the wake of Tyre Nichols’ death, City Attorney Jennifer Sink told CNN’s Nick Valencia on Tuesday. More: CNN

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) tried repeatedly to quiet Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) and other members of his caucus after they interrupted and heckled President Joe Biden during his State of the Union speech Tuesday. More: HuffPost

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