Today's Big Stuff 2.7.22

Today’s Big Stuff 2.7.22

It’s Monday. There are 274 days until the midterm elections. Waiting for a “but her emails” freakout, Pence ain’t no hero and let’s talk about those jobs numbers.

Be advised: You know what cusses a lot and has a lot of typos? This fucking newletters.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Y’all are looking even more sexy and patriotic than the last time we all got together. Us? Well, we’ve got apologizing to do and that always pisses us off. But we’re happy to be with you, so we’re put on a shit-eatin’ grin so we can eat some shit. Not like in place of the vaccine or anything. We just need to say some I’m sorries.

First, had we known Friday was going to be so goddamn newsy, we probably wouldn’t have taken it off. We had no idea Joe Biden was gonna drop a face-melting jobs report that made Fox News go cry to its cousins before having sex with them. Want to win an election? Create half a million jobs in a single month. Hot damn, y’all! Tell the story of the Biden boom and tell it loud.

Second, this is more of a general apology to our neighbors to the North. We’re so sorry we seem to be exporting our fucked up dumb shit grossness to Canada. Y’all give us your best comedians and some kick-ass hockey, and we gave you the Jewish Space Lasers lady. It’s never a good thing when you have this many American Republicans suddenly giving a shit about you. It means they’re either gonna bomb you or try and fuck you. And we don’t recommend either. If it makes our Canadian friends feel any better, we here at TBS have no idea what’s going on. Sorry. We’ve just got our hands full here at home. We know it has to do with truckers, and we know it’s pretty ugly. But it turns out you can be ignorant and silent at the same time. Who knew? So just put us down on whatever side is opposite of the side Ted Cruz is on. We hope y’all had a good weekend, we hope you accept our apologies and we hope you’re ready to keep kicking ass this week. Let’s get it.

Note two: Every time we start to get mad about Cruz being from Canada we remember that our friends up there don’t like him either and that it was probably worth it if we also got Ryan Reynolds.

Note three: Sometimes you open twitter and you see something so fucking stupid and horrible you just say nope and close it right away. That was us last night when we saw that #pardontrump was trending. How is it possible James Comey hasn’t learned to shut the fuck up yet?

Note four: Things seem to be going great at Spotify. More: AP News

Note five: This story about Ivanka Trump and Jan. 6 never once mentions that Ivanka put out a tweet calling the terrorists “patriots” while they were still attacking the Capitol. Find someone who loves you the way Beltway reporters love the Trumps. More: AP News

Note six: It is fucking tragic that we failed on this free community college thing. More: NY Times

Note seven: Ron Johnson thinks Wisconsin has enough jobs. Seriously, Badger State, get yourself a new senator. More: JS Online

Note eight: Thank you to Charles Blow for writing this. If Biden talks about what a great fucking guy Mitch McConnell is again, our heads are going to literally fucking explode. More: NY Times

Note nine: We’re still trying to get the Iran deal back together. It’s a great example of something Republicans broke that we’re trying to fix. You know, like everything else. More: AP News

Note 10: Over the weekend, the NYT did a story about how the Jan. 6 committee is being too tough, unlike the Benghazi committee. They did not mention Iran-Contra or Watergate. Yeah, they’re a fucking disaster.

Note 11: And even this shit makes it sound like Steve Bannon is some kind of goddamn victim. More: Washington Post

Note 12: This story says Democrats are divided about whether to run to or from Biden. Embrace him. And this economy. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Rand Paul is really really jealous of real doctors. More: Daily Beast

Note 14: All those poor whiny white men. Who borrowed the world’s tiniest violin? More: Washington Post

Note 15: Hey, Josh Mandel, if Trump thinks you got some weird sex stuff going on then you should probably be in jail. More: Daily Beast

Note 16: Clarence Thomas has thoroughly corrupted the Supreme Court. He’ll probably serve another hundred years. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: Gym Jordan had a 10-minute phone call with Trump on Jan. 6. Remember when they wanted him on the committee? Remember when he covered up all those molestations? More: CNN

Note 18: We will never forgive Republicans for making us hate Kanye and root for a Cheney. More: NY Times

Note 19: Just a warning that this story will break your heart and enrage you. America is so broken. More: The Guardian

Note 20: Ok, SPs, on that note we’re gonna get over to the news section. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we sure do appreciate that day off Friday. Love y’all!

Burn after not reading

Remember when we had a whole goddamn presidential campaign about records keeping? Remember how they tortured the lady who had a private email server? Well that was a pleasant summer’s day dream compared to Trump ripping up documents and taking shit to Mar-a-Lago. This is all illegal. But we know by now that laws are only for the rest of us. More: Washington Post, Washington Post

Fuck Pence

Pathetic Mike Pence tried to be courageous on Friday and tell the Federalist Society that Trump was wrong to tell him he could overturn the election. Gee, what a fucking hero. Pence did everything except the one illegal thing he couldn’t do to help Trump, so we don’t give two shits about his attempt at courage. More: Washington Post

Jobs, jobs, jobs

467,000. That’s how many jobs we created in this country last month. 700,000. That’s how many jobs were created the two months prior that we didn’t know about until the revisions. 6.6 million. That’s how many jobs have been created since Joe Biden took office a a year ago. Yeah, that’s a record. We’ve got a great fucking story to tell. We just have to go around the Beltway press to tell it. More: CNN

Today’s clips

As the standoff between Russia and the West enters a potentially decisive phase, President Joe Biden meets Monday at the White House with Germany's new chancellor, whose willingness to confront Moscow alongside the United States has been called into question. More: CNN

President Biden halted the returns when he took office, but in September a U.S. District Court ordered his administration to reinstate the program, formally known as the Migrant Protection Protocols. After months of negotiations with Mexico, the Biden administration relaunched MPP in early December, starting in El Paso.

Immigration advocates were furious, blaming Biden for not pushing back harder. But two months after its restart, the new version of MPP bears little resemblance to President Donald Trump’s. The Biden administration has re-implemented the program with a narrow scope and none of the zeal demonstrated by Trump officials. More: Washington Post

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