Today's Big Stuff 2.3.22

February 03, 2022

2.3.22

It’s Thursday. There are 278 days until the midterm elections. Facebook had a bad day, Trump considered blanket pardons for his band of terrorists and Biden takes out the head of ISIS.

Be advised: We came here to do two things — cuss about politics and misspell stuff. And we’re all out of… wait… fuck. We came here to do three things. Cuss about politics, misspell stuff and chew gum. And we’re all out of gam. Nailed it.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it finally happened. Yep, they finally broke us. Now we’re just all sexy and broken. Y’all already know who and what we’re gonna talk about today. He’s our cousin-fucking Moriarty. Our forehead diarrhea white whale. Yeah, we know those aren’t clever. Like we said — broken and sexy as hell.

We’re talking about Rudy. Goddamnit. He was on the Masked Singer y’all. That absolute freakshow who tried to take down America while embarrassing the shit out himself — like literally out of his fucking forehead — was on the goddamn motherfucking Masked Singer. We don’t even know what that is! But we know it’s mainstream and it’s supposed to be fun and it’s supposed to be about music and it has a pretty big audience and Ken Jeong is on it and he seems pretty cool AND THEY HAD GODDAMN DOODIE POOLIANI AS ONE OF THE FUCKING MASKED SINGERS!!!!

Yep, really, really broken.

And really, really sexy.

Our fellow Americans, this country is a fucking mess. And we really need to get our shit together. This is fucking embarrassing.

We really rode the goddamn emotional roller coaster on this one. Confusion, disbelief, absolute belief, laughing, sadness, anger, more laughing, more anger and more sadness. It’s a range of emotions we like to call The Rudy and it’s usually followed by drinking a bottle of Purell. We were screaming cuss words at something called the Masked Singer! So we thought we might go ahead and take tomorrow off if that’s cool with y’all. Don’t worry about us. We’re good. But Rudy on the Masked Singer seems like a great place to take a little break and regroup. So y’all have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday. Love y’all! More: Deadline

Note two: If Giuliani and shitty teevee hadn’t already broken us, Biden calling McConnell “a man of your word and a man of honor” at this morning’s prayer breakfast would’ve done it. Seriously, Joe, we love you but what the fuck is wrong with you? How are we supposed to run against these assholes or hold them accountable when you keep talking about what great fucking people they are? JFC.

Note three: We have some good news to share to follow up on some bad news we told y’all yesterday. Sen. Lujan of New Mexico is expected to make a quick recovery and be back at work in D.C. in four to six weeks. Thank goodness. Get well, senator. More: Associated Press

Note four: Ya know, when Republicans talk about being for workers, they might be full of shit. More: Washington Post

Note five: We don’t understand these soldiers. We don’t understand the idea of picking and choosing these things or why all the other vaccines were just fine. But we’ve learned in the last few years that there is a whole shitload of stuff we don’t understand. More: Axios

Note six: We try to be team players, but we honestly don’t know what to make of Schumer. He was dealt a tough hand, but we’re far from sure he’s played it well. More: CNN

Note seven: How much do y’all love Jen Psaki? More: Raw Story

Note eight: It must be nice to be a governor spending all the money Biden and Democrats got for your state while he and they take all the shit. More: Huff Post

Note nine: We don’t know who the nominee is gonna be, but we know he or SHE is gonna have a great team around them for their confirmation. More: Washington Post

Note 10: Here’s a kinda sorta update on those HBCU bomb threats. More: NBC News

Note 11: While we weep the passing of remarkable men like this, we also weep for a world that lacks witnesses to warn of what can happen. More: Washington Post

Note 12: The funniest part of Trump’s coup is that they had so much fucking paperwork. Well, maybe funny is the wrong word for it. More: New York Times

Note 13: So this story is about how Senate GOP leadership kinda wants to avoid a fight on SCOTUS. We thought this was coming. The make-up of the court won’t change and people like McConnell don’t particularly enjoy looking racist so of course they don’t want a fight. But the catch is this — it’s a racist fucking party and they just can’t help themselves. We’ve already seen it. And we’ll see it again. More: CNN

Note 14: As we were reading this story about mail trucks, all we could think was what the everliving fuck is Louis DeJoy still doing at the goddamn postal service? More: Washington Post

Note 15: The Jan. 6 committee is getting Mike Pence’s docs from the National Archives on March. 3. That’s great and all, but wouldn’t today be better? More: Archives

Note 16: In case you’re like us and want to torture yourself with the latest on BBB. More: NBC News

Note 17: Please give to Tim Ryan and help stop this little freak from getting to the Senate. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Oh nothing just a head of elections in Georgia who’s also a QAnon lunatic. More: The Daily Beast

Note 19: Well what do you know, here’s another Black woman nominee Republicans have a problem with. Is anyone seeing a pattern yet? More: Washington Post

Note 20: When it comes to gerrymandering, we don’t mind saying that we are damn thrilled to see Democrats fight back. More: New York Times

Note 21: Trump wanted to use NSA data to overthrow the government. Every one of these seems like such a big deal, but we know he tried to overthrow the government. When are there going to be consequences? More: Washington Post

Note 22: Hey, Texas, we love you but you really ought to think about getting yourself some competent leadership. More: Washington Post

Note 23: Ok, Sexy Patriots, let’s shimmy our hot asses over to the news. We sure do love y’all, and we’re damn grateful to you for letting us sneak in a day off. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you Monday.

Sucks for Zuck

Facebook had a really bad day yesterday. Happy face. Meta (Facebook) stock tanked in after-hours trading dropping his net work by more than $20 billion after the company reported weak earnings and growth estimates. But here’s the big part — they lost a million daily users since the last quarter. They don’t go down. They always go up. Until now. So whatever people are doing, it’s working. More: Axios

Pardon us

So yeah Politico reported that Trump considered blanket pardons for the Jan. 6 terrorists before he left office because he thought they wouldn’t be able to hurt him legally if he did. That’s idiotic nonsense of course and of course Trump is a piece of shit who happily leaves his confederates to suffer the consequences of his and their actions, so he didn’t pardon them. But by dangling pardons now, he’s giving the terrorists incentive to not cooperate with the authorities. This is all so incredibly fucked up. More: Raw Story, Washington Post

Dead terrorist

Obama got bin Laden and now Biden has taken down the head of ISIS in Syria. Well, U.S. troops raided and surrounded Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi, and then the coward blew himself and some of his family up. But still, we got him. All Americans are out safe and sound though except for a bum helicopter we had to destroy. That happened with bin Laden too. Weird. Anyway, good story for Joe to tell. Let’s try not to screw it up. More: CNN

Today’s clips

New statements from former president Donald Trump insisting that his vice president, Mike Pence, could have “overturned” the 2020 presidential election have jolted a congressional debate over potentially changing the 135-year-old federal law under which Trump and his allies sought to reverse Joe Biden’s victory.

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