Today's Big Stuff 2.25.22

2.25.22

Happy-ish Friday. There are 256 days until the midterm elections. Biden makes his SCOTUS pick (!!!!!!), an enemy of the planet announces his retirement and Ukraine and the world fight back.

Be advised: This newsletter contains excessive profanity and is not professionally copy-edited. And we fucking like it that wey.

Note: Whole. E. Shit. Sexy Patriots, it has been a week to say the least. And it’s ending in a whirling dirvish of holy cows and what the fucks. We obviously have a lot of huge historic news to talk and cuss about, but we thought we’d start today with a little storytime. So get comfy. Or as comfy as a person can get during the end times.

This is the lame and pointless ballad of Tomothy Dombfk. Yes, Tomothy. And yes, Dombfk. His parents had known each other since birth. And before that actually as they were twins. Yeah, it’s a truly tragic and nauseating tale in and of itself. They were the grossest and dumbest people in history and also tragically they gave birth to a son. They named him Tomothy because they were dumb and they were actually trying to name him Jerry. He had a sad and largely aimless life, mostly spent falling for really obvious internet scams and walking into shit. Then he discovered guns and Trump and white grievance and all kinds of stupid crap that is dangerous on its own and fucking terrifying when present in a dumb shit like Dombfk.

Then one day a pandemic hit and it fucking sucked but most decent people did some basic shit to try and stop the virus from spreading because they weren’t assholes. But not Dumbfk. No, no. A mask made Tomothy smell his own breath, constantly reminding him of his shameful habit of eating from the litter box when no one was looking. Then Tomothy saw on Facebook and Fox that wearing a mask was an assault on his freedom and that he was being oppressed. So Tomothy strapped on 78 guns, eight knives, some night-vision goggles, a punisher t-shirt, a beret (that he absolutely did not pull off) and some juice boxes and he went a-protestin’ and made a big stink about how mean everyone is to him and how he’s not gonna take it anymore, stubbing his toe twice and once to the point of tears.

While Tomothy was sucking at life, an equally repugnant piece of shit decided to start some motherfucking static and invade the proud sovereign democratic nation of Ukraine. Tomothy gave up on cable news long ago, what with the globalist conspiracies and them assholes who want him to pay his cable bill. But while walking by a store, Dombfk saw footage of Ukrainian grandmothers and great-grandmothers standing up to Russian soldiers. He saw brave Russian citizens protesting their own government and being arrested. He heard the final words of the brave crew at Snake Island. He saw videos of Ukrainians sheltering in metro stations.

And then it happened.

A light bulb came on. His stupid fucking brain grew five sizes that day and he stopped being an awful piece of shit and decent people started having him around and he was finally actually happy. No, we’re just kidding. He watched the free tv for a while, said something unintelligible about Trump standing up to Putin and then walked into a fucking sewer hole and died. Oh well. Bye, Dombfk. More: Washington Post

Note two: Phew. We’re sorry that was so long. And weird. But hey, that’s TBS in a nutshell. And a lot of horrible shit is going down and it’s our way of giving everyone a big hug. We love y’all.

Note three: You know what else really really sucks? Fucking CPAC. It’s where Tomothy’s uncle-dad proposed to his aunt-mom. More: Washington Post

Note four: Speaking of CPAC and sucking, did you see what the fuck Ted Cruz said about Jen Psaki? Yeah, she already took care of it, but we’d still like to see Charlie Brown and Snoopy whoop his ass for that shit. What an asshole. More: The Hill

Note five: This is how you Twitter. Because this is some fucking bullshit.

Note six: We’ll get into this more in a minute, but for right now we just want to say Lindsey Graham can go fuck himself while eating shit.

Note seven: The biggest joke in Washington might be the FEC. Nah, it’s still Lindsey, but this is some bullshit. More: Business Insider

Note eight: LOL. It was like 15 minutes ago that this poser d-bag said he didn’t care about Ukraine. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: Former Minneapolis police officers were found guilty of violating George Floyd’s civil rights. Goddamn right. More: CNN

Note 10: Texas Republicans sure do a shit job of supporting the troops. More: Texas Tribune

Note 11: Of course the QAnon shitheads cheered on the invasion. Is there anything these people don’t suck at? More: Media Matters

Note 12: We just saw that the Jan. 6 committee is currently deposing Kim Guilfoyle. We send our deepest sympathies to anyone who has to deal with that trash.

Note 13: A hilarious story about how Trump’s buddies are “begging” him to stop kissing Putin’s ass. More: The Daily Beast

Note 14: Anyone else crap themselves a little bit when they heard Russian forces captured Chernobyl? Yeah, we totally didn’t either. More: Washington Post

Note 15: The CDC is gonna loosen mask rules. We think we’ll keep wearing ours. More: Washington Post

Note 16: RIP to Sally Kellerman. She was so good in so many things, but Back to School tops the list for us. More: CNN

Note 17: You’d have to be an idiot to fuck with these guys. More: CNN

Note 18: Ok, SPs, let’s boogie to the news. We’ve even got some good news today, which we really love. We hope y’all have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday.

Hell yeah!

Two years to the day Joe Biden promised to nominate a Black woman to the Supreme Court if he was elected president, he has kept that promise. Today Biden announced that he is nominating DC District Court Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Woo-fucking-hoo!!!! This is some truly awesome news, and we’re taking a full minute away from worrying about Ukraine to enjoy it. Republicans are predictably furious they didn’t get to make the pick, and so expect the assholes who tried to overthrow the government to be dicks about this. That said, she is so awesome that three Republicans already voted for her to be on the district court. Let’s go!!! More: CNN

Bye, Jim

U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe, who really sucks, announced yesterday that he will be stepping down by the end of this year. It’s weird and probably health-related since he just won re-election in 2020, but he’s a complete asshole so we don’t care. Remember that fuckhead who brought a snowball to a Senate hearing to prove that climate change wasn’t real? It was this fuckhead. More: CNN, CNN II

Guts

Y’all, what we have seen out of Ukraine since Russia attacked has been nothing short of breathtaking. Courage. Real courage. As Ukrainians of all walks of life fight for their country. We’re even blown away by Zelensky who has stood tall and refused to leave even though it seems pretty obvious a deranged madman with a massive army is coming for him. We’re praying for Ukraine. We’re also inspired by them. Russia has been attacking Kyiv, and the tragic losses are sadly still likely to be heavy. But Ukrainians are going to make Russia feel a lot of pain for fucking with them. Godspeed. More: Axios

Today’s clips

Yet another key measure of inflation ticked higher at the start of the year, rising at its fastest pace in nearly 40 years.

The price index tracking consumer spending increased by 6.1% between January 2021 and January 2022, according to new data from the Commerce Department released Friday. That was the biggest annual increase since February 1982. More: CNN

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