Today's Big Stuff 2.23.22

2.23.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 258 days until the midterm elections. Biden starts bringing the pain to Russia, Trump loves him some dictator and Americans call bullshit on the war on books. 

Be advised: We cuss a lot and sometimes have typos. But nobody is perfict. Fuck.

Note: Hey hey, Sexy Patriots! It’s Hump Day! And we are humping fired up to share something kinda cool and really fucked up with you. You might have seen Human Roofie Tucker Carlson spewing an endless mouth diarrhea stream of Russian propaganda. Or maybe not. You’ve got way better taste than that. 

Now you might be wondering what kind of millennia-old diseased mythical goat gave birth to such human garbage. And the answer is Satan’s millenia-old diseased mythical goat gave birth to that human garbage. And we just happen to have scored an exclusive interview with that goat, whose name is Assbreath. 

TBS: Hi, Assbreath, thanks so much for joining us.

AB: Thank you, TBS. Big fan. When I’m not crapping out evil degenerates who want to fuck M&Ms, I’m all about cussing newsletters.

TBS: We’re not sure we want your endorsement, but thanks we guess. So tell us how Tucker came to be.

AB: Well you know the Christmas story? It’s like that but instead of a manger, it’s a condemned outhouse. And instead of the immaculate conception, I just shat out a monster. 

TBS: Yikes. So you took a Satanic shit, and Tucker came out?

AB: Exactly. He’s demon goat poop. He’s just not as smart or personable as the evil we usually shit out and send to Earth.

TBS: Is that right?

AB: Yeah, like I shat out Trump and Pompeo too, but I kinda still like them. Tucker is just irredeemable.

TBS: Wait. You like Pompeo and Trump?

AB: Well yeah. I’m a Satanic goat that shits out evil people. So those shit monsters are kinda my people. 

TBS: Fair enough. Thanks for joining us, Assbreath. Please don’t touch anything on the way out. 

Note two: You won’t get that kind of awesomeness in Politico. 

Note three: So if Assbreath the Satanic Goat didn’t make you laugh, please check out Rick Scott trying like hell to convince people he didn’t call for raising taxes on half of America yesterday even though he did. LOL. What a fucking idiot. 

Note three: Huge congrats to Keturah Herron, who won a special election in Kentucky and in doing so became the first LGBTQ state rep in Kentucky’s history. Woohoo! More: Tri State

Note four: The buzz is that Biden has met with three potential SCOTUS nominees. Let’s get this fucking show on the road! More: CNN

Note five: Want to see Politico in a nutshell? Here they take some truly heinous shit and call it an “oops.”

Note six: If you think Congress is an endless fucking disaster, you don’t want to see what is happening in statehouses all over the country. They’re even worse. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Merrick Garland was asked if DOJ is investigating Trump for stealing classifed docs. He gave a boring answer about following the law. We’re terrified The Law is a three-legged tortoise he owns. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Want to see a newspaper take Josh Hawley to the woodshed?

Note nine: The Washington Post has created a democracy team. We wonder if it will be the same people who kissed Ronna’s ass. More: Washington Post

Note 10: The culture war is here. Whether elected Democrats want to fight it or not. More: Bloomberg

Note 11: Adam Laxalt has gone all-in on Jan. 6 was not a big deal. Are we gonna make him eat that shit? More: News Observer

Note 12: We seriously can’t stop laughing at what a disaster Truth Social is. It’s like if Trump made his hair into a social media website. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Some assholes in trucks want to bring America to a halt. The people who tried to overthrow the government think this is a great idea. We remember three months ago when they were saying supply chain issues were the worst thing to ever happen to this country. More: Axios

Note 14: Watch this Republican candidate try to shake down a cop with the old “don’t you know who I am?” This shit never gets old. Lock his ass up. More: Florida Politics

Note 15: Ok, SPs, let’s get our hot asses over to the news section. As things go from fucked up crazy to fucked up crazier, we hope y’all are taking care of yourselves. We know you’ve been through hell these past few years. We’re just wondering if you saw Assbreath the Demon Goat while you were there. Have a great day!

Sanction time

Joe Biden is going after Putin’s inner circle and looking to make them feel real financial pain for their attack on the sovereign nation of Ukraine. In a move that we flat out fucking love, he’s going after their families too. Putin has clearly lost his shit and we’re scared about what happens next, but we have to give a lot of credit to this administration for how they’ve handled it so far. More: CNN

On the other hand

Trump spent yesterday calling Putin a “genius” and saying it was brilliant to call his invading forces “peacekeepers.” Trump said he would like to do the same thing on the Southern border. Yeah, maybe he wants to annex Mexico. We don’t really know. What we do know is this deranged idiot is once again sucking dictator and the taint-sniffing lemmings in his party are happy to follow suit. Yeah, yesterday was an orgy of Republican America-hating as they saved all their bile for their own president and not the one about to start World War III. We don’t know which country these assholes are rooting for. But we know it ain’t this one. More: Washington Post

Poll fun

So yeah, you know how the political press told us that Americans were disgusted with what teachers were teaching about slavery and that’s why we lost in Virginia? Well Youngkin’s dumb ass is already underwater and a new poll from CBS calls bullshit on what parents really want. According to the poll, 78 percent of adults say books should never be banned because they’re about race, 35 percent say they’ve heard a lot about critical race theory and 68 percent said teaching about race “makes students understand what others went through.” So when are we going on offense? More: CBS News

Today’s clips

Allen Weisselberg, the former chief financial officer of the Trump Organization, has asked a judge to dismiss the tax fraud indictment against him, saying it violates the immunity he was given in the federal investigation into Michael Cohen, a former personal attorney to former President Donald Trump, and that certain charges fall outside of the statute of limitations. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.