Today's Big Stuff 2.22.22

February 22, 2022

2.22.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 259 days until the midterm elections. Standing on the brink of WWIII, Rick Scott makes clear that Republicans are psycho lunatics and holy cow Ginni Thomas is freaking nuts. 

Be advised: We cuss more and misspell more when shit is this fucked ip. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you?! We missed y’all. We sure do appreciate the occasional day off, but it’s hard being away from y’all. It’s also hard returning to a giant pile of seriously depressing and outrageous news that makes you want to throw your couch out the goddamn window. Or at least makes you want to throw your back out while trying to throw your couch out the window. Given that this was a particularly heavy weekend of couch-throwing news, we thought this might be a good time for a good ol’ fashioned TBS pep talk. So huddle up, sexy team.

After an all-too-brief period that kinda sorta could be peace, war appears to have again broken out. This time as shirtless nightclub reject d-bag Vlad “Smells like” Putin has attacked Ukraine. First, and most seriously, we want to send all the love we got to the people of Ukraine. We’re damn sorry this is happening, and we are nothing short of fucking livid that a bunch of unloved asshats have decided to take a giant shit on the post-WWII order. Second, we want to send all the hate, cuss words and the smelliest of elevator farts at Putin and his Republican buddies and everyone at Fox News cheering for Russia. So let’s talk about it. 

We’re not gonna lie. This fucking sucks. It’s gonna hurt, and it takes the uncertainty and awfulness of the last few years and adds more uncertainty and awfulness. We are living through the part of the movie where the music is sad and it looks like our hero is fucked. So like the firecracker Sister Christian scene from Boogie Nights.

jessies girl, 99 red ballons, nena,dirk diggler,boogie nights,baking soda.the scene where guns go off, and people die. Dirks coming of age moment

But here’s the thing. Dirk Diggler turns things around at the end of the movie. He totally gets off the coke and makes friends with Burt Reynolds again and even shows full frontal nudity. We can too, America! We’re afraid we’re just gonna have to endure this season of fucking bullshit just a little longer. You’ve been through a lot, Sexy Patriots. Like shit that we thought was reserved for the early 1900s. But you’re here, you’re sexy, you’re reading and you have impeccable taste. So even though times are tough and maybe about to get tougher, please hang in there. Together we can cuss and nervously laugh our way through this fucking nightmare. 

We love you, and we hope you’re loving yourself. 

Note two: We can do this too as we are fluent in two languages — English and cussin’.

Note three: LOLOL. Even the most crooked Supreme Court in a long time won’t help Trump keep his Jan. 6 documents under wraps. More: The Hill

Note four: All those twos in the date really freaked us out. We’re just gonna pretend like we don’t see it. 

Note five: Republicans really are monsters. Is our party gonna stand up for these kids? More: Dallas News

Note six: Madison Cawthorn said on Tucker Putin’s show last night that he’s “very close” to not being able to run because his constituents think he’s a miserable piece of shit traitor. Fingers crossed, everybody! More: TPM

Note seven: Doesn’t it seem like it should be a much bigger story that Americans in Texas can’t vote? More: NBC News

Note eight: Last week NYT editor Dean Baquet said he had no regrets about the But Her Emails Bullshit. So yeah if you’re wondering why the paper’s reporters are incompetent and arrogant about it, it apparently starts at the top. More: Press Run

Note nine: Boris Johnson has announced the end of all COVID restrictions in England. We really hope someone told COVID. More: CNN

Note 10: Did y’all see what happened on Trump’s new social media website? Of course not. Since you’re people and that website is a fucking mess. Hahahahahahahahaha. Who in the world would’ve guessed that Trump and Dunce Nunes would fuck up launching a new twitter? Oh right. Everybody. More: CNN

Note 11: Add Mexico to the list of people and places who dunk on Ted Cruz. We hear the senator is going to get back at them by once again going to Cancun. More: Dallas News

Note 12: We love this move by Biden. Trump left a scar on America with that fucking wall. Let’s clean it up. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Apparently Michigan Republicans now want to end birth control too. We expect better from the people who tried to kidnap their governor. More: Detroit Free Press

Note 14: Ric Grennell is very angry he can’t swim in diarrhea. Yikes. More: God.DailyDot

Note 15: Is anyone here shocked that Tulsi Gabbard is working for Russia? Yeah we didn’t think so. God she’s the worst. Have fun at CPAC, Trashy! More: The Daily Beast

Note 16: The American judiciary is in the process of finishing off what’s left of the Voting Rights Act. Or as Joe Manchin calls it — “What’s for lunch?” More: Washington Post

Note 17: Trump is in bed with the Saudis as he tries to cash in on a new golf league (which is really struggling). No wonder he was so eager to overlook the bonesawing of a journalist. More: Golf Channel

Note 18: So our favorite news that we missed while we were away is that a judge said the federal lawsuit against Trump over Jan. 6 can go on. We were pretty pissed Doodie Pooliani and Mo Brooks Mo Crazy got off the hook, but we loved reading the decision about how Trump totally tried to overthrow the government. More: CBS News

Note 19: Huge congrats to the badass champions of U.S. Women’s Soccer who have settled their equal pay lawsuit for a $24 million deal. We still think they should get more. More: CNN

Note 20: The racist garbage who murdered Ahmaud Arbery have been found guilty of federal hate crimes. Goddamn right. More: NPR

Note 21: Ok, SPs, to the news section! We love y’all, and we’re happy to be back in the saddle with you. Keep your heads up out there. 

War

After a batshit crazy speech by Putin and some confusion in the media, the U.S. appears to have declared that Russia has invaded Ukraine. Putin moved to recognize regions of Ukraine as part of Russia and that ain’t fucking cool so yeah it looks like war is around the corner. Biden is set to address the nation this afternoon. Germany has already taken the most aggressive response by halting the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. While the U.S. announced some sanctions, we have yet to levy the full enchilada. We’re hoping today brings some clarity on that front. This White House has done a great job of isolating Putin, unifying NATO and doing everything they can to prevent war. We’d hate to see them fuck it up at the 1-yard line by being indecisive. More: CNN, Washington Post

What the fuck?!

Florida Sen. Rick Scott announced an 11-point plan for is Republicans take back the Senate and it is fucking insane. He wants to finish the border wall and name it after Trump. He spends a lot of time attacking trans kids and laying out ways to use the federal government to harm them. And he goes hard after teaching kids about slavery and racism. Wouldn’t it be great to see the Democratic Party take this shit and beat Scott over the head with it? More: Fox Business (We had to link to Fox to show y’all the crazy)

SCOTUS is FUCKEDUS

The NYT goes in on Ginni and Clarence Thomas and holy fucking shit y’all they’re even worse than we thought. She’s all the way in with Steve Bannon, she brought the Jan. 6 groups together and she was known in the Trump White House as a “wrecking ball.” How the fuck do you get a nickname like that in THAT White House?! We’re a broken record on this, but can our party please go on offense over this shit?! Pretty please!!! More: New York Times

Today’s clips

In the age of Donald Trump, plenty of Republican incumbents have found themselves on the wrong side of the ex-president—and the party base he commands—for defying him, disagreeing with him, or even simply not doing enough to support him. More: The Daily Beast

The 77-year-old Democrat will hold the gavel when the Senate Judiciary Committee holds hearings as soon as next month on President Biden’s forthcoming nominee to succeed retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer. Durbin and his staff face the delicate task of shepherding the first Black woman justice to confirmation — and delivering a badly needed victory to Biden — in an evenly split Senate where just about everything, judicial nominations included, has turned exceptionally rancorous. More: Washington Post

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