Today's Big Stuff 2.18.22

2.18.22

Happy Friday. There are 263 days until the midterm elections. Trump and his demon spawn are ordered to testify in New York, Hillary calls out Fox and McCarthy endorses Cheney’s opponent.

Be advised: The cuss words are the only parts we don’t misspell. And we’re not really that fucking sorry aboot it.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it to the weekend. And it’s gonna be a long weekend. Thank goodness. Because we are straight up fucking disgusted with everybody right now. Except you and your sexy patriotism, of course.

If it’s not bloodthirsty Republicans trying to turn this country into the United States of Don Jr.’s Coke Problem, it’s Democrats kissing their asses and Beltway reporters explaining that Democrats just aren’t kissing those asses hard enough. Maybe if this was all just one big fucking game, then we could see the humor in it. But child poverty spiked 41 percent last month.

And that happened because of a corrupt politician who is poorly covered by a corrupt press. We try to keep shit funny, but there ain’t a goddamn thing that’s funny about that. So instead of completely losing our shit today, why don’t we give you a tour of the writers’ room here at TBS and oh dear god shut that door!

A word about what you just saw. First, we love animals and none of the animals in the writers’ room are being harmed in any way. Just lightly massaged and occasionally dressed up as the Sex Pistols. Second, ignore that smell. It definitely is not what bath salts smell like when mixed with pop rocks and smoked. Third, the stains on the floor and walls are exactly what you think they are. Yeah, it’s a real mess around here. But we try to keep it looking like America. Or Steve Bannon’s summer cottage.

Note two: Ok, so clearly we are on fumes and sucking wind. That wasn’t even funny, and now you’re wondering what the hell kind of stains we’ve got going on wherever the hell it is we produce this weird ass newsletter. So yeah, we’re taking Monday off to celebrate about three presidents and cuss the rest. We love y’all, and we hope you’re able to recharge over the long weekend.

Note three: This probably should’ve gone in the news section, but we want to wish godspeed to Vice President Harris as she attends the Munich Security Conference. This is a key trip at a crucial time, and there’s nobody we’d rather have representing us. More: LA Times

Note four: Not flying to Munich is Mike Pence, who has decided instead to return Trump’s ass and live out the rest of his days there. Seriously. What a pathetic loser. More: Washington Post

Note five: So an asshole Republican congressman who tried to overthrow the government died. His name was Jim. That’s probably enough of an obituary so we’re not gonna link to any.

Note six: The Senate managed to pass a bill to keep the government funded for another three months. No, we are not a serious country. More: Washington Post

Note seven: We absolutely do not understand why the president of the United States is continuing to push a bill that has no chance of passing. If this was so doable, it seems like someone would be talking to Manchin about it. Are we just intentionally wasting time we don't’ have? More: Washington Post

Note eight: Congrats to Michigan and Gov. Gretchen Whitmer on the top economy in the country. Guess it’s a good thing for Michiganders that those fucking scumbags didn’t kidnap her. More: Washington Post

Note nine: If Russia does invade Ukraine, they’re gonna get a stern talking to from a broken and gutless Senate. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Joe Biden won. This idiot knew that. And now she doesn’t. So as far as we’re concerned, she’s lying garbage who can eat a whole bag of shit. More: WEAU

Note 11: Abortion and voting are now illegal in Texas and fucking Axios is writing about what a problem the squad is. More: Texas Tribune 

Note 12: A school in West Virginia tried to force religion on some kids. We hope they enjoy every second of this lawsuit. More: NPR

Note 13: Imagine a world where Democrats are on tv screaming for this monster to take a mental competency test. Yeah, we know. Impossible to imagine. More: Huff Post

Note 14: So California has moved to treat COVID as endemic. We don’t really know what that means either other than America was too dumb and too selfish to kill this thing so now we’ve got to live with it if we can. More: CNN

Note 15: Members of Congress can go to the State of the Union if they wear a mask. Republicans have asked if Trump’s ass counts. More: Roll Call

Note 16: The Jan. 6 committee is thinking about a subpoena for Ivanka. What the effing fuck are they waiting for? Our goddamn heads to explode? More: The Guardian

Note 17: What do idiot scumbag bullies who hate kids look like? This:

Note 18: LeVar Burton might be the new Betty White. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Remember when we said all that Durham bullshit was bullshit? Well it turns out it was bullshit. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Ok, SPs, we’re limping to the end of this one, and we sincerely apologize if we were missing the funny today. We’ll spend a few days looking for it, and hopefully bring it with us when we come back here on Tuesday. We love y’all!

Testify!

Despite the absurd theatrics of Trump’s latest loser lawyer, a judge said that Trump and his fucked up kids have to sit for depositions for NY AG Letitia James. The decision resulted in one of the angriest and most incoherent Trump statements ever. And that is really saying something. Soon he’ll just be sending out PDFs of a blank paper that he blood shat all over. Anyway, they’ll appeal, but James ain’t fucking around and now the Trumps know it. More: CNN

Yass

All week long Fox News has been back to attack-Hillary mode as they sought to distract from the news that Trump stole a bunch of classified docs from the White House and took them to Florida. And honestly it worked because our national press corps is a national embarrassment. But when Hillary decided to talk back yesterday, Fox News cut away. Why? Well because she called them out. Hard. And she did a little more than that. While discussing the attacks on her, Hillary noted that the not news channel is “close to actual malice.” So it sure seems possible that the former secretary of state is thinking about a lawsuit against a channel that has made billions of dollars attacking her. Sounds like a good plan to us. Take ‘em for every last fucking penny. More: Deadline

Sad

Kevin McCarthy did what the orange hand up his ass told him to do and endorsed the person running against Liz Cheney. So yeah it’s official — the Republican Party is too crazy for the people who got us into the Iraq War and sold out her own sister for being gay. Trump is also trying to change the state rules to make it where Democrats can’t vote for Liz. Some pretty fucked up shit going on in Wyoming. We always thought it was pretty country. Guess we’ll find out if it’s just Mar–a-Lago with more open space. More: CNN, CNN II

Today’s clips

President Biden will hold talks with other Western leaders Friday about the Ukraine crisis, as 11th-hour efforts to prevent a Russian attack continue against the grim backdrop of widespread shelling in eastern Ukraine and Moscow’s continued troop buildup at the border. More: Washington Post

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