Today's Big Stuff 2.17.22

2.17.22

It’s Thursday. There are 264 days until the midterm elections. Russia is full of crap, Americans agree that Pence couldn’t overturn the election and POTUS heads to Ohio. 

Be advised: We got up early this morning. So expect the typos and the cussing to be off the fucking churts today.

Note: Heeeeyyyyyy, Sexy Patriots! Wow. You even smell like sexy patriotism. We assume. Don’t worry. We’re just a newsletter. A damn hot newsletter. But like we haven’t actually smelled you. Yikes. Well today is off to a rough start. But it could be worse. We could be this little weasel that a bad wig shat out:

Yeah, so we don’t think Rand reads TBS or maybe anything, but it sure does seem like he and some of the other Republican senators heard that we called Vlad “He Can Eat His Own” Putin the biggest asshole on the planet and felt slighted. FELLAS, IT’S NOT A REAL CONTEST. WE WERE JUST FUCKING AROUND. YOU CAN STOP BEING SUCH ENORMOUS GODDAMN ASSHOLES:

You really do have to hand it to them though. What competitors. Vlad Puddin’ is terrorizing the world, and these sorry little dingleberries are determined to score some points off him. If it was an actual contest, we’d have to give those miserable pieces of shit some high marks for effort, but they’re just cheap posers for now. Let’s make sure we keep the Senate blue, so we don’t find out what these fart-sniffing lunatics do with more power. More: Huff Post

Note two: Btw, if you’re like us, you always see the shocking and grotesque offense from a Republican, but you rarely see a response from a Democrat. Here’s Amy Klobuchar responding to Tom “Even his goddamn name is somehow racist” Cotton:

Thank you, Senator Klobuchar. 

Note three: In the off chance you’ve hit a wall and you need a little something extra to help you get through the week, here’s a great story on the Living Goddess Stevie Nicks. More: New Yorker

Note four: Texas officials have put National Guard troops through such hell that they’re forming a union. Good for them. The soldiers we mean. The officials can kiss our asses, eat shit and burn in hell. More: Army Times

Note five: LOL. You know why we love Canada so much? Because they’ve got the good sense to keep threats like this out of their country. Also because they’re nice and sexy patriotic in their own way and we dig hockey and comedy. More: Yahoo News

Note six: Does anyone have any idea how many legal troubles Trump is facing? Because we sure as fuck don’t. Surely one of these numbers will hit, right?! More: CNN

Note seven: So we’re gonna link to this because it’s important the world see it, but we are going to warn you it will turn your stomach. We’re not joking or being sarcastic. It’s really fucking gross. More: Washington Post

Note eight: So this SCOTUS thing is making us a little more antsy than we’d normally be. Let’s get on with it! More: NPR

Note nine: Want to see something super freaking awesome? More: The Daily Beast

Note 10: We’ll be honest — these secretary of state campaigns are scaring the living shit out of us. More: CNN

Note 11: We’ve said it before and we’ll keep saying it — Y’all are sexy. Also, Durham is bullshit, and all he’s got is bullshit. More: CNN

Note 12: Is it just us or are these stories about corrupt Trump administration officials being corrupt just fucking insulting at this point? Zinke was dirty?! Gasp! Yeah, no fucking shit. Did you know Snoop smokes weed? More: Associated Press

Note 13: If nothing else, the emergence of the Trump family in politics has given us a better sense of scale when it comes to just how many scumbags there are in the world. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Our elections just sustained a full frontal assault and barely survived. So why the living hell haven’t we done a goddamn thing to fortify them? Oh right. We forgot. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Like the crazy is pounding on the door and we have not locked the goddamn door! We haven’t even closed the fucking thing! More: Houston Chronicle

Note 16: Time for a little sports break. You might have seen pasty dudes on the right whining about NBA player Enes Kanter being cut from the Houston Rockets. The right loves Enes because he constantly attacks LeBron. Yesterday Enes even went to the Senate Republican Caucus. So why was Enes cut? Because he sucks. He can’t play defense, and his style of play is from 30 years ago. So yeah, the right understands basketball as much as they understand the constitution and the concept of self-respect. More: The Daily Beast 

Note 17: Elon Musk seems like a really cool guy. Why is it our Bond villains are more like the asshole who stole Peewee Herman’s bike? More: The Daily Beast

Note 18: These Olympics have been a mess. It’s like the Olympic torch fell in a dumpster. More: Washington Post

Note 19: We honestly can’t believe the scope and cruelty of Florida Republicans’ attacks on the LGBTQ community. What the fuck happened to that state? More: Washington Post

Note 20: Ok, SPs, to the news! We love y’all, and we hope you’re making it through the week unscathed. We’ll see you tomorrow! 

Bullshit

So yeah, Russia ain’t de-escalating shit. Biden said this morning he’s still expecting an invasion at any moment, Russia just kicked our deputy ambassador out and pro-Russian forces bombed a fucking kindergarten in east Ukraine. Y’all buckle up because it sure looks like shit is fixin’ to get real bad. We’re sending love to Ukraine. And we’re happy the U.S. has sent weapons too. More: CNN, Washington Post

Still too high

No that’s not a subhed about how Sam felt waking up this morning. It’s about the 36 percent of Republicans (3 percent Democrats, 15 percent independents) who either disagree that Pence was right when he said he couldn’t do what Trump wanted and overturn the election. The good news is that overall, 72 percent of Americans agree that the most gutless veep in history had no authority to overturn the election. More: Forbes

O-H

The president is on the move. Today President Biden is traveling to Lorain, Ohio where he’ll announce that $1 billion from the (why the fuck do we call it this) bipartisan infrastructure act is dedicated to cleaning up and restoring polluted Great Lakes areas. It’s cool that we’re governing and fixing shit. But we do have to wonder if anyone even gives a rat’s ass anymore. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

Newly reported coronavirus cases are dropping worldwide, but World Health Organization officials urged caution Wednesday, saying that a drop in testing might be contributing to that decline and that covid deaths remain alarmingly high. More: Washington Post

A video showing police officers breaking up a fight between a Black teenager and a White teenager at a New Jersey mall has prompted outrage over the police response. 

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy said Wednesday that the "appearance of what is racially disparate treatment is deeply, deeply disturbing." More: CNN

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