Today’s Big Stuff 2.15.23

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. It used to be for shits and giggles. Now it’s mostly shits.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We trust that you’ve put away all things romantic and lovey-dovey and are ready to return to our regularly scheduled programming of cussing out Republican shitheads. Today’s shithead — Mitch McConnell aka “The Abominable Mr. Turtlenuts.”

To us, he’s just Turtlenuts. To the beltway, he’s like some sort of tortoise grandpappy. But never forget that Turtlenuts is the person who rigged the Supreme Court, who engineered the fall of Roe, who opened up the floodgates of dirty money to corrupt our politics and who acquitted Trump like the chickenshit Turtlenuts that he is. But we’ve noticed lately that everyone in Washington wants to treat him like some kind of fucking oracle or something just because Turmp went full psycho killer racist asshead on both Turtlenuts and his wife and now everyone is treating him like he’s Susan fucking Collins and she’s fucking awful too!

Well almost everyone. Not us. No, here at TBS we’re not afraid to call out the abominable Mr. Turtlenuts. We’re all like HEY! TURTLENUTS! YOU FUCKING SUCK! And we promise to always be that loud and unhinged voice of truth. We love y’all and we hope you have a wonderful day. Except you, Turtlenuts. You can fuck right off.

Note two: Btw, in case you think we’re joking, here’s Turtlenuts yesterday saying he’ll support Trump — THE MAN WHO KEEPS MAKING INSANELY RACIST ATTACKS ON HIS WIFE — if insurrectionnuts gets the nomination.

Note three: Remember Adam Frisch? He’s the guy who came within 546 votes of sending Lauren Boebert back to the dumbfuck factory. Well he’s just announced he’s running again and this time we know he can win. More: NBC

Note four: Rolling Stone is reporting that if Trump is re-elected he wants to do way more executions, including bringing back firing squads and televised killings. What a totally normal fucking platform. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: Elon Musk might honestly be the most pathetic person on the planet. He tried to buy being funny, being cool and being tough and each time the universe said sorry weird douchebro but that shit ain’t for sale.

Note six: COUSIN MUSK!!!!!! LOLOL!!!!!

Note seven: Also, congratulations to Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden for beating Elon in the Super Bowl of shit that doesn’t matter and possibly breaking what was left of Elon’s brain in the process. NO LINK JUST HILARITY

Note eight: Mike Pence says we need to ban the abortion pill. Let’s put it to a vote — Everyone who wants to ban Mike Pence instead raise your hand and everyone who wants to ban the abortion pill go fuck yourself. What a miserable doofus. More: Yahoo

Note nine: Glenn Youngkin thinks police should have access to women’s menstrual data. So are we still calling this fucking nutjob a moderate or are we finally done with that shit? More: Washington Post

Note 10: If it’s cool with y’all, we’re gonna act like the rest of America and just go on not giving a fuck about Nikki Haley. If she cracks like 5 percent or spontaneously combusts, we’ll revisit this policy.

Note 11: He’s a racist oddly-shaped dingus buttface, but at least he can’t defend his bullshit one bit.

Note 12: Yesterday marked another day we weren’t attacked by the balloon people. Thank goodness. It seems that photo of JD Vance pointing his gun at the sky scared them away. And they didn’t even see the gun.

Note 13: Speaking of JD and Ohio, ol’ Jerkoff Doodlehopper (JD) went on Tucker Carlon’s show a couple nights ago to attack President Biden over what’s happened in East Palestine, Ohio. The Republican governor of the state called bullshit. ABC6

Note 14: Btw, in that previous note, DeWine defends Biden’s response. He also says he’s not seeing any problem. So let’s say he’s half-right.

Note 15: Let’s not look away. Let’s make sure we’re perfectly aware of what we’re doing to these kids…

Note 16: The party of family values is attacking families again. When they say they won’t do shit like this, that means they will definitely do shit like this. More: 19th News

Note 17: So WaPo’s Greg Sarget had an interesting story yesterday about how the White House and Senate Dems seem to be protecting Kushner. How about we don’t fucking do that? More: Washington Post

Note 18: Laura Ingraham is coming for legal weed. Something something cold dead hands. NO LINK

Note 19: George Santos. Bad check. Amish farmer. Puppies. So fucked up. The Republican Party. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that super weird note, SPs, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a kick-ass week. And if you’re not, fuck it because this thing is halfway over and the weekend will be here before you know it. Have a blessed one. ‘Cept you, Turtlenuts.

Elvis has left the building

But his cousin Brandon Presley is running for governor in Mississippi. And he seems to be doing a pretty goddamn good job of it. Now we’ve been doing this long enough to not get too excited about one poll. We also know better than to spend valuable resources on longshot races. But goddamnit this one has our attention because Tate Reeves just sucks so fucking bad. So screw it. Here’s a poll that shows Presley leading Reeves by four points. Forgive us.

More: Mississippi Today

Bye-bye, DiFi

So yesterday a giant in the Senate did the expected and announced she will not run for re-election next year. Sen. Dianne Feinstein will not run again, and we’d say she has more than earned some rest. It was Dianne Feinstein who found a slain Harvey Milk. There’s been a lot of talk about how she’s been holding up in the Senate. Today we’d rather think about all the good she’s done.

Shit rag

The New York Times is finally getting called out for its series of Tucker Carlson-style Just Asking Questions hit pieces on trans people. After the Times spent weeks helping extremist right-wingers target trans people, more than 170 NYT contributors signed a letter calling out the paper of record’s bullshit. The letter notes that the NYT has routinely failed on these big issues in its history. Thank you to everyone who signed this letter for calling out the paper’s cruel indifference to the targeting of our fellow Americans.

More: NYT Letter

Today’s clips

One student was a fraternity chapter president. Another was a science student with fond memories of her days as a high-school athlete — and the third was a frequent volunteer who wanted to become a surgeon. More: HuffPost

A large field of presidential contenders in 2024 could lead to a redo of the 2016 presidential race and help make Donald Trump the Republican presidential nominee once again, according to Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). More: HuffPost

The disaster, with a combined death toll in Turkey and neighboring Syria exceeding 41,000, has ravaged cities in both countries, leaving many survivors homeless in near-freezing winter temperatures. More: CNBC

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