Today's Big Stuff 2.15.22

February 15, 2022

2.15.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 266 days until the midterm elections. Trump gets dumped, Josh Hawley leans into the treason and wondering if Biden just stared down Vlad. 

Be advised: We cuss and spell shit wrong and we ain’t never gonna stip. 

Note: Hey hey, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you today?! We knew it. You’re positively radiating sexiness and patriotism. Us? Well we’re on goddamn Cloud Nine. We heard from so many of you kind folks yesterday informing us that yes you would be our Valentines. We were deeply touched. We even did that thing where you jump in the air and click your heels together. We fell over. And to those of you who didn’t write us, well, we get it. We’re not everyone’s cup of tea and even though we can’t lie and say this doesn’t hurt like a motherfucker, we think you’re amazing and we wish you nothing but a lifetime of happiness. 

Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen because Fox News is going to get us all killed. Yeah,we don’t mean to be all alarmist and shit, but have y’all seen the fucking Hiterlian house of horrors they got going on over there?! Holy shit! Like they’ve always been a little out there, and it was pretty fucked up when they killed all those Americans with that quack medicine stuff but yikes they have really gone round the bend. Again. For like the 7 billionth time. You got Tucker sharing Putin talking points about the horrors of Ukraine and declaring Canada a dictatorship and Hannity calling for violence from the truckers. Goodness gracious, fellas, can you go back to talking about fucking candy please?!

How far are we away from them just straight up telling their viewers to tackle random people on the street? Or moon every bird they see? Or fling their own crap at school crossing guards? Or who knows what the fuck? Probably something way more deadly and less hilarious than our examples. So like could someone go get a fucking adult because this shit has gotten way out of hand. What do you mean we’re the adults? Oh. Well then we’re fucked.

Note two: Just a reminder that we are not in fact fucked and we are very much the captains of our own destiny and we are determined to organize and fight and beat these dirty sonsofbitches at every turn and save this great country. If Fox doesn't kill us all first. More: The Daily Beast

Note two: So we missed something important yesterday. If we’ve ever made you laugh or crack a smile, you can thank Ivan Reitman. Movies like Animal House, Stripes and Ghostbusters shaped our sense of humor, and we were damn sorry to see that Mr. Reitman died this weekend. If you haven’t seen Stripes in a while, we highly recommend it. Especially if you can find the deleted scene where they take acid and end up singing Tito Puente with some enemy soldiers. RIP.

Note three: So y’all know this Durham bullshit is bullshit. And we know this Durham bullshit is bulllshit. So let’s make these three sentences the only time we waste on bullshit. More: New York Times

Note four: A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s lawsuit against the NYT. He’s still gonna let the jury come back with a verdict, but her case was a joke and so is she. More: CNN

Note five: Remind us to never party with the miserable fucking narcs at the New York Post. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Wait’ll these folks hear about Fox News. More: Associated Press

Note seven: This really should have been how Manchin was covered from the beginning. He’s corrupt, and he makes decisions based on that corruption. It’s quite simple, and yet impossible for the Beltway media to grasp. More: Washington Post

Note eight: This shit needs to be shut down like yesterday. More: Washington Post

Note nine: This seems bad. Is this bad?

Note 10: You know the expression “crazier than a shithouse rat?” Well this is the shithouse rat, and she’s running for secretary of state in Colorado. More: CNN

Note 11: Republicans are hoping to take away the last remaining rights of D.C. residents. Seems like a big fucking deal to us. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Sad face emoji for the New Yorkers who got fired for refusing to get a vaccine. Hey look on the bright side — at least Ted Cruz thinks you’re cool and smart. More: Huff Post

Note 13: When Black people protest in the streets, Republicans pass laws saying it’s ok to run them over. When loser trucker assholes try to shut down the economy, those same Republicans cheer them on. Thanks to HuffPo for calling out the bullshit. More: Huff Post

Note 14: We wish the press would make a big deal of Gym Jordan joining Trump in calling for Hillary Clinton campaign aides to be put to death for shit they didn’t do. But we wish the press would cover a lot of shit about Gym Jordan. Come to thin of it — why the fuck aren’t they?! More: Yahoo News

Note 15: A Democrat running to be mayor of Louisville was shot at in an apparent assassination attempt. Seriously what the fuck is happening to us? More: CNN

Note 16: Trump’s coup lawyer is trying to withhold 11,000 emails from the Jan. 6 committee. LOL. Please tell us a judge is about to slap the living shit out of this asshole. More: CNN

Note 17: We loved Hillary’s new hat. In fact, we’d love to send a box of ‘em to the NYT D.C. bureau. More: CNN

Note 18: Remember that idiot mayor in Ohio who said ice-fishing leads to prostitution? Well he just resigned. Kinda shocking to see consequences for idiotic behavior, right? More: NBC News

Note 19: Today would’ve been Chris Farley’s 58th birthday. Man we sure miss that guy. More: YouTube

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news. We love y’all, and we’re so grateful to you for joining us. And we sure do appreciate y’all helping us try and save American democracy. It’s sexy as hell. Have a great Tuesday!

LOLoser

Donald Trump got dumped on Valentine’s Day, and it wasn’t by his daughter although that shit has never stopped creeping us out. No, Trump got dumped by his accounting firm which decided all of a sudden that maybe it couldn’t be so sure about all the shit it’s been saying in Trump’s defense. Oops. Yeah, they said the financial statements they put out can’t be relied on anymore because of stuff they (and the NY AG) uncovered. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! More: CNN

Traitor swag

Josh Hawley, the guy who raised his fist and tried to overthrow the U.S. government, is now selling mugs with that infamous picture on it. Why? Well because Democrats are weak as hell. Seriously. How many of our own people are co-sponsoring legislation with this weasel? How many called him out? How many pushed for his removal from the Senate? These guys are getting away with this shit for one very simple reason — our people are letting them get away with it. But at least we passed BBB. Oh right. Fuck. More: Huff Post

Um yay?

Ok so it’s way to early to celebrate, but it certainly seems possible that Sleepy Joe Biden stared down Putin over Ukraine. The Russians said this morning that they are open to more negotiation and will start drawing down troops. Now because it’s Putin and Russian, nobody believes this shit and there has been no indication that Putin is moving any troops at all. This even seems like the kind of shit you might say before you invade a sovereign nation. But we’re choosing to be cautiously optimistic because we’re just positive people. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

The White House and top Democratic lawmakers are beginning to weigh a new push for a federal gas tax holiday, potentially pausing fees at the pump as part of a broader campaign to combat rising prices. More: Washington Post

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