Today’s Big Stuff 2.14.23

Today’s Big Stuff 2.14.23

It’s Tuesday. There are 630 days until the presidential election. Georgia is gonna make some news Thursday, Florida don’t do education so good and Dark Brandon’s judiciary project has a big day.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it bit into a candy heart made of poop and razors.

Note: It’s Valentine’s Day, and there’s no one we would rather share our V-Day with than the Sexiest Sexy Patriots in the whole damn country! How the hell are you, SPs? Y’all doing anything romantic today? Oh that’s hot. Well we are too because we fucking love love.

That’s why we stayed up late last night sniffing glue, sanding off the messages on candy hearts, sniffing glue and writing new messages on the candy hearts. But these candy hearts are for some real special assholes…

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Go fuck yourself with a non-religious Space Laser

Ron DeSantis: Go fuck yourself and then ban everyone who’s not white from talking about it

Gym Jordan: Go fuck yourself and then cover it up and then put on a goddamn jacket

Mitch McConnell: Go fuck a turtle and then go fuck yourself.

Lauren Boebert: Go fuck yourself and then have someone read this to you

Mike Pence: Go fuck yourself if mother says it’s ok

Donald Trump: Go fuck yourself and then eat shit and then go fuck yourself again

Well that wasn’t romantic at all. We were gonna send flowers but it just kept coming out as a flaming bag of dog shit. Maybe we’re just not in the mood. Or maybe those people suck hog ass. Anyway, we hope y’all have an awesome Valentine’s Day. Love y’all!

Note two: Let’s talk serious for a moment. Another mass shooting. This time at Michigan State University. Republicans barely even bother to pretend to give a shit anymore. Michigan state reps are declaring “fuck your thoughts and prayers.” We elected new people in Michigan, and they’re about to make some changes. This crazy fucking nightmare has got to fucking stop. More: Freep

Note three: Today is also the day the Parkland shooting happened. Gen Z should fucking hate this country. We’re damn grateful that they’re trying to save it instead. More: CNN

Note four: So what kind of V-Day is Dark Brandon having? Ahhhh, looks pretty goddamn romantic to us…

Note five: So while we were away Jack Smith sent a subpoena to Mike Pence. We found out this morning that Pence is going to be a fucking coward about it and try to claim protection under the separation of powers. We’re really excited to vote for this chickenshit for president. Not. More: NBC News

Note six: So while we were away, Planet Earth was attacked by balloon people. Don’t worry. We got ‘em. More: CNN

Note seven: While we were all looking up, we probably should’ve been looking at Ohio. We’ve had a whole news cycle about that arrested reporter and a three-day weekend and this shit is still fucking burning. More: NPR

Note eight: Need a Valentine’s present? Well the new season of Ted Lasso is starting on March 15. Woohoo!!!

Note nine: We would like to take a moment to wish a happy Valentine’s Day to George Santos, TBS’s husband of 37 years. We didn’t even know they got married, but that crazy fuck sent flowers this morning so we’re just going with it.

Note 10: Did y’all see Elon hanging with Ruper at the Super Bowl? Remember when the New York Times wrote that Elon’s politics were hard to pin down? Do you think we’ll survive this maladjusted shithead super dork? More: Gizmodo

Note 11: Nikki Haley announced she’s running for president this morning. Americans everywhere jumped up and asked “Who the fuck is Nikki Haley?” NO LINK

Note 12: Some good news in Michigan as Ford announces they’re moving an EV battery plant there after Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin said no thanks to about 2,500 jobs. What a moderate. More: WXYZ

Note 13: Trump has decided on a nickname for Ron DeShithead. It’s Meatball Ron. The press is very excited. Meatball Ron is probably less excited. Still better than Trump’s nickname — the miserable piece of pig shit who attacked the United States. More: Independent

Note 14: New CPI report this morning shows that inflation is still coming down. It was probably last week’s dumbfuck hearings from House Republicans that did it. More: WSJ

Note 15: Republicans have been wanting to destroy social security since it came to be. So why are people in Washington acting confused about it? Habit?

Note 16: We’ve seen some debate about this online so let’s just clear it up right now — Rihanna is a goddamn queen and her haters can kiss the hairs on our asses.

Note 17: Remember that asshole Indiana AG who went on tv and threatened a doctor for helping a child rape victim? Well he’s getting investigated. He’s probably taking it well. More: Law & Crime

Note 18: There is some truly fucked up shit going on in West Virginia. The governor is getting rid of pesky reporters. We’ve been wondering if the same shit is happening at NPR. More: NPR

Note 19: We want to send some love to Rep. Angie Craig who fought off an attacker last week by throwing coffee on him. We’re late to this story, and we feel like real dicks about it. Get well soon, Congresswoman! More: The Hill

Note 20: And on that belated note, let’s go do some news! We sure missed y’all yesterday while we had the meat sweats and we hope your week got off to a great start. We’re grateful every damn day that y’all are our Valentines. Have a sexy day!

Is it Thursday yet?

So basically we don’t care about anything except Georgia this week. Yesterday morning the judge overseeing Fani Willis’s grand jury ruled that the intro and the conclusion of the grand jury’s report will be released on Thursday. The judge is also releasing a section about the witnesses jurors thought lied to them. It sure fucking looks like this thing is gonna recommend some indictments. Fingers crossed!

More: USA Today

Florida, man

So Ron DeSantis is so determined to keep Florida children from learning about slavery and Roberto Clemente that he is thinking about cutting off ties to the College Board, getting rid of AP classes and burning some crosses. That last one is speculation on our part. But yeah after the College Board came out and said that DeSantis bullied them and lied, DeSantis said he just wants to get rid of that woke reading and writing shit altogether. Only in a truly fucked up nation can a man declare war on books and it’s seen as proof he’s running for president.

More: Miami Herald

Let’s go, Brandon

Today the Senate is going to confirm Gina Mendez-Miro to the federal district court. She is judge number 100 for the Biden administration. That is more than Trump and Obama. It’s been wonderful to see, especially as Biden has picked judges that reflect the nation. Unfortunately, it is still not enough because wimpshit Dick Durbin is still honoring Republican blue slips. Get it together, Dick!

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden fired Architect of the Capitol J. Brett Blanton on Monday following allegations that he misused government resources and was not physically present on the Capitol grounds during the January 6, 2021, insurrection, a White House official said. More: CNN

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), a conspiracy theorist who once claimed there’s no evidence a plane hit the Pentagon on 9/11, made a wild comparison between the terrorist attacks of that day and the suspected Chinese spy balloon shot down earlier this month. More: HuffPost

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