Today's Big Stuff 2.1.22

2.1.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 280 days until the midterm elections. Trump tried to seize voting machines, fun with fundraising and celebrating Black history month in a racist country.

Be advised. We cuss and spell shit wrang.

Note: Hey Hey, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you today? That good, huh? Well we’re damn glad to hear it. Us? We’re reeling. We’re doing something big here today that we don’t normally do — we’re breaking news.

But TBS, y’all are so good looking and we don’t trust you to break news for shit. Well, we hear you. And thank you. And yeah, we wouldn’t really trust us either. But this is big.

You might have heard that some White House documents handed over to the Jan. 6 committee were torn apart and had to be taped back together. We don’t know if they used Trump’s wig tape for the job, but we do have an exclusive first look at some of the documents that was taped back together and appears to have been written by Trump himself. Brace yourself. This is some earth-shattering shit. Ok, here it is —

“Do a coo cuz me presidint — DJT”

“Pinse give me election. Ivanka lookin hot today. — DJT”

“Need invisibile plain to bom congriss. Who the fuck is Baron? — DJT”

Wow! You heard it here first, folks! Well not really because he’s done everything except get it tattooed on his orange fucking forehead, but still, we’re pretty excited by the totally not real White House docs we got our hands on. Just a terrifying glimpse into the mind of a moron monster. The Jan. 6 committee better get their asses in gear or else we’re gonna fake scoop them on all kinds of shit. So let’s go! More: Washington Post, CNN

Note two: That Ivanka thing is never gonna stop creeping us out. So we’re never gonna stop making fun of it.

Note three: A plurality of voters want President Biden to keep his word and nominate a Black woman to the Supreme Court. But they didn’t interview Ted Cruz. Or his ugly wife. More: The Hill

Note four: (We don’t call women ugly and we don’t even like doing it in this case. It just seems like the best way to get Cruz to kiss our asses.)

Note five: Trump’s fucked up buddy is trying to get the RNC to expel Cheney and Kinzinger. When that happens, will the press find the guts to start calling this a goddamn cult? More: Washington Post

Note six: If you’ve got young kids, here’s the vaccine news you’ve been waiting for. Also, how the hell have you survived this last two years? More: Washington Post

Note seven: This is a bad omen for single-payer healthcare. If it can’t get through California super majorities, then it’s got an uphill climb to say the least. More: Associated Press

Note eight: The NYT bought wordle. We can’t wait to see how they fuck it up. More: NPR

Note nine: This past weekend, Trump said he would pardon terrorists who attacked the Capitol and he threatened more violence if prosecutors take action against him. Senate Republicans were fine will all of it. More: CNN

Note 10: If you know Thomas Massie, then you know he probably wasn’t all that upset to learn that he’d been quoting a neoNazi child pornograher. It’s what he calls his base. More: CNN

Note 11: We can’t lie. There was always a part of us that thought we’d end up with Rihanna. It’s the same part that still thinks we can play in the NBA someday. More: Forbes

Note 12: So lame Democrats are teaming up with even lamer Republicans to try and change the Electoral Count Act. The effort has Trump screaming that Pence could’ve overturned the election. So if Republicans agree that Kamala Harris can give the next election to whomever she wants, then why the fuck aren’t we using that as leverage to pass actual election reform? More: Bloomberg

Note 13: So um why the fuck aren’t these two Michigan meth-heads in jail already? Do white people who want to burn down America just get a pass? Yeah, we know. More: Washington Post

Note 14: No, seriously, what the effing fucking fuck is wrong with the men of Michigan? More: Raw Story

Note 15: Ron DeSantis is happy to attack Democrats all day long. But he won’t condemn Nazis. More: CNN

Note 16: Pence’s guy testified in front of the Jan. 6 committee. We bet he testified that Pence doesn’t have genitals but instead a smooth spot like a Ken doll. More: ABC News

Note 17: Sorry! If we’re gonna mention Pence’s genitals or lack thereof, we really need a warning. That’s our bad.

Note 18: According to a new PPP poll, Mitch McConnell is underwater by 52 points. So why isn’t he covered like it?

Note 19: We just say that Kyrsten Sinema “chuckled” when asked if she was worried about a primary challenge. She won’t be chuckling when we send her her retirement papers.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let us get to the news! How’s your week going so far? Well you smell fucking fantastic. See y’all tomorrow!

Coup-on

So despite the efforts of many reporters to paint Trump as some kind of bystander to the coup he attempted, we now know that he was directly ordering people to seize the voting machines. But shockingly enough, Bill Barr and Doodie Pooliani balked at the idea. But yeah, ol’ tangerine taint face first asked DOJ to do it and when they said no, he asked DHS. But seriously the craziest part of this story is that the dude who fucked his cousin and shat out of his forehead was the voice of reason. More: CNN, New York Times

Fun-draising

Ok, so Manchin and Sinema raised a lot of money from Republicans. Sinema is sucking wind with small-dollar donations and didn’t put up a big number. Ron Johnson raised just $711,000 last quarter. Liz Cheney broke a personal record for a quarter, and Marjorie Taylor Gross got outraised (though that might not be a good thing). Trump has a massive war chest, but the RNC is paying his legal bills. More: CNBC, CNBC II, The Hill, CNN, CNN II, Washington Post

Celebrate

It’s Black History Month in America. So how are we celebrating? Well first, we’re not letting our kids learn about any of the evil shit this nation has done to Black people for 400 years because it might make the kids sad. And apparently we’re celebrating with two days of bomb threats to Historically Black Colleges and Universities. Oh and don’t forget an entire political party that tried to throw out millions of Black votes, waved the confederate flag in the Capitol and has a problem with a Black SCOTUS justice. So yeah, God bless America or something. More: Axios, CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is close to publicly naming his ambassador to Ukraine, but his administration is still waiting on formal approval from the Ukrainian government, US and Ukrainian sources told CNN. More: CNN

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