Today's Big Stuff 2.10.22

2.10.22

It’s Thursday. There are 271 days until the midterm elections. BUT HIS EMAILS (and clogged toilets), Rudy asked for voting machines and finally some movement on the Violence Against Women Act.

Be advised: This newsletter contains lots of profanity and typos. Shitm. See?

Note: Well hey there, you super Sexy Patriots? How in the heck are you today? Yeah, that’s what we thought. That’s why we added the “super.” Us? Well, we’re zigging while everyone else is zagging. Sorry. We’re fucking zigging while everyone else is fucking zagging.

Now we know y’all might have been expecting us to just fire up a chain saw of obscene jokes at the gazpacho soup lady, and honestly if the jokes hadn’t all been used up, we probably would have. But the reality is there’s nothing funny about cold soup, ignorance of fascism. We’re all gonna want to smack ourselves in the face with a fucking ladel when she’s education committee chair or some shit.

Ok it is pretty funny. But you know what is really funny? Jokes about Giuliani having sex with his cousin. But also President Biden making fun of Trump.

Yeah, it doesn’t happen that often, but every once in a while the Delaware Destroyer drops a nasty one on the former guy, and it always makes us feel like cotton candy tickle goodness (cotton candy tickle goodness is code for peeing yourself a little). Well yesterday, Joltin’ Joe laid a dagger on the ol’ cheeto, and we’ve been watching it on a loop.

Hilarious. You can feel the rage coming from Florida. Though that might just be a Florida thing. Either way, thank you, Mr. President. Please feel free to roast him more. It’s way better than when you say nice things about the fuckheads trying to wreck everything.

Note two: Did Marjorie Taylor Gross think Warhol was a Nazi admirer? There. It’s obscure and not really that funny, but it is a soup joke. Phew.

Note three: So we’re gonna get to it in the news section, but what else are reporters currently keeping from us so they profit off it in a book? The public trusts these people with press passes and front-row seats because they’re supposed to be our eyes and ears. Does that mean we get a cut of Maggie’s book?

Note four: Damn. Betty Davis died. RIP. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: How is it not a bigger story that Black schools keep getting targeted for bomb threats?! More: DCist

Note six: Yesterday we told y’all that Democrats were finally all on board with banning stock trading for members. We weren’t quite right. The speaker seems to be getting closer but she wisely wants to add judges to the ban. More: New York Times

Note seven: There’s a Family Guy sketch where Jake and Maggie Gylenhaal are arguing about which one of them is worse and their dad says “Kids, kids, you’re both awful.” We thought of it when we saw Mitch and Trump feuding. More: Washington Post, CNN

Note eight: As we keep saying, SCOTUS is gonna finish off the Voting Rights Act. Seems like a pretty big deal to us. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We told y’all that we beat a veto override in Kansas. We were wrong. They got dirty and found a way to fuck everyone. More: KansasCity.com

Note 10: Wanna bet the national media thinks inflation is a bigger story than the shit they thought was the biggest story of 2016? More: CNBC

Note 11: If the only two things we get out of 2020 are getting Trump out of office and what Biden is doing with the judiciary, it will have been worth it. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Here’s some more surprising good news coming out of the Senate. More: CNN

Note 13: If Biden was really handing out crack pipes, Mike Lindell would’ve switched sides. More: HuffPost

Note 14: There is a god, and she’s from Tennessee. More: CNN

Note 15: It is the official position of two of the top Republicans in the country that someone shouldn’t apologize if they say the n-word. This also seems like a big deal to us. More: FloridaPolitics.com

Note 16: Peter Navarro has been bragging about trying to overthrow the government for a while. So um gee why the fuck is he just now getting a subpoena? More: New York Times

Note 17: We finally watched a little Olympics last night. Chloe Kim is such a freaking badass.

Note 18: LOLOL. Nancy Mace has tried so hard to kiss Trump ass, and he still called her trash and endorsed her opponent. Bummer, Nancy. Enjoy your retirement. More: The Hill

Note 19: Biden is proposing a raise for the military. That seems better than calling them suckers and losers. More: The Hill

Note 20: Ok, SPs, we love you more than our luggage, and we hope your week has been a lovely one. You’re almost to Super Bowl weekend. Just hang in there. Shall we get to the news?

BUT HIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING EMAILS

The National Archives has asked the Justice Department to investigate after it discovered what looked like classified documents in the shit he stole and took to Mar-a-Lago. The House Oversight Committee announced this morning it will investigate too. And MAGA Haberman’s upcoming book apparently details how Trump clogged White House toilets with pages of documents he tried to flush (gross). So yeah, after the bullshit of 2016, we better see a goddamn motherfucking reckoning.

**Also, MAGA is reporting that Trump is still in touch with Kim Jong Un. WHAT THE FUCK?! More: Axios, Yahoo News, New York Times, Washington Post

Oh Rudy

What’s the grossest thing Rudy has ever done? Fuck his cousin? Shit out of his forehead? Try to overturn a U.S. election? Yeah, it’s close but we’re going with that last one. Yesterday we learned that Pooliani asked a Michigan prosecutor to give Trump’s team voting machines. So um when the effing fuck is this guy getting arrested? Is Merrick Garland even a real person? More: Washington Post

About fucking time

It has been three years since the Violence Against Women’s Act authorization expired. The Senate yesterday finally unveiled a bipartisan reauthorization bill. Republicans insisted Democrats drop the “boyfriend loophole,” which would bar someone who abuses their partner from owning a gun. JFC. The good news is the legislation has 10 Republican co-sponsors, so this should become law. It’s not everything we want, but it’s long overdue and needs to happen. We want to give a special shoutout to HuffPo’s Jennifer Bendery who has stayed on this story for all three years. Nice work, Jen! More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

That’s the backdrop as Murphy, long one of the nation’s most aggressive governors on health restrictions, announced this week that he was lifting New Jersey’s school mask mandate — one of a slew of governors in his party to do so as polls suggest voters are weary of restrictions and last November’s elections highlight Democrats’ vulnerability on the pandemic. More: Washington Post

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