Today's Big Stuff 1.7.22

1.7.22

Happy Friday. There are 305 days until the midterm elections. Biden brings the light and the heat, Ted Cruz goes Ted Cruzin’ and unemployment falls below 4 percent.

Be advised: We definitely did not get all the cussing and typos out of our fuckinp system yesterday.

Note: Sexy Patriots, how the hell are ya? Well FWIW, you look and smell like a billion bucks from Scrooge McDuck. That’s our new expression, and we’re going to use it a lot. How are we doing? Well, we’re sexy as all hell and we think we’re doing ok. Yesterday was somehow more emotional and infuriating than we anticipated, and if we’re honest about it, it left us a little jarred and a little raw.

We were so damn grateful in the morning for President Biden’s strong and unequivocal message to the nation. It was truly as good as he’s ever been, and we really needed it. But as the day wore on, we began to see more and more Republicans making jokes and embracing the horrors of that day and well just being all-around general irredeemable pieces of shit. They are not contrite. They are not embarrassed. They are not sad or scared. They honestly do not give two shits, and they are going to keep coming back. It’s the part in the cop movie when the detectives realize that instead of a normal homicide, they’re dealing with a “real sick son of a bitch,” a serial killing party clown who likes to wear his victims’ skin to make a giant forehead and is called Matt Gaetz. Chilling shit.

But this ain’t a cop movie. This is a horror movie. And that goddamn monster we all thought was finished is getting back up again. So the question becomes well what the hell are we gonna do about it? We can be the dumbshit teenagers who keep running into more and more danger until they catch a chainsaw to the temple or a machete to the buttcheek or whatever. Or we can be the badass sonofabitch who shows up at the end and saves the motherfucking day. Y’all feel like being heroes? We thought so. Y’all have a great weekend. We’re coming back Monday with our work boots on because we’ve got a goddamn country to save. Again.

Love y’all!

Note two: Thank you to everyone who wrote to us yesterday. As far as we can tell, these are the ones we missed — Fuck Mitch McConnell with a turtleshell, fuck Kevin McCarthy with some pink starbursts, fuck Steve Bannon with a meth rock, fuck Lindsey Graham with whatever Trump uses as a leash and fuck Fox News with whatever you got handy. And fuck Dick Cheney oh no wait don’t fuck Dick Cheney because apparently he’s with us now and everything is fucked up and nothing makes a lick of fucking sense anymore. We really appreciate y’all for helping us fill in some blanks, and we do regret the omissions. And yeah, fuck Dick Cheney.

Note three: That Cheney thing is really messing with us. Y’all saw it too right? Wanna make sure this isn’t an acid flashback sitch. More: ABC News

Note four: Wow. Hollywood has lost a couple of heavyweights. Yesterday we learned that Peter Bogdanovich had died, and this morning we learned we lost Sidney Poitier. RIP to two giants. More: NBC News, TMZ

Note five: Some of the fundraising numbers are starting to roll in, and all we can say is y’all did the damn thing. Look at these eye-popping numbers for Mark Kelly. More: CNN

Note six: Huge congrats to our old friend Jamal Simmons, new comms director for VP Harris. More: Axios

Note seven: Of the 3 billion lawsuits that have been filed against Trump, the ones being filed by Capitol police might interest the most. Can you imagine him fighting these during a presidential campaign? More: Washington Post

Note eight: Republicans are mad there aren’t more COVID tests. They should ask Ron DeSantis why he let a million of them expire. More: NBC

Note nine: Here is some good news on testing — the administration is working with the postal service to deliver tests to our homes. This is probably long overdue, but they’re doing it. More: Washington Post

Note 10: We just have to ask elected Democratic officials in Washington — how many fucking people do you think have seen Hamilton, and do you really think it’s going to move a single goddamn vote? Ok, we needed to get that off our chests. More: Rolling Stone

Note 11: People keep telling us to have faith in DOJ and Merrick Garland. That might be easier to do if we didn’t keep seeing judges hand out real sentences to Jan. 6 terrorists that prosecutors aren’t asking for. More: Washington Post

Note 12: In case you need a smile today, check out this judge’s response to a J6 terrorist asking to go to Jamaica. Needless to say, the judge did not find the request to be irie. More: CNN

Note 13: You’d think we’d be used to it by now, but we saw some real Republican cowardice yesterday. They couldn’t even be bothered to show up. We’re hearing most of them spent the day hiding in Trump’s ass. More: Vice

Note 14: SCOTUS is hearing arguments for and against the president’s vaccine mandates today, and even those fuckers seem skeptical of the arguments against.

Note 15: Ok, SPs, we’re running a little late today so we’re gonna go ahead and get our hot asses to the news section. We hope y’all made it through yesterday ok and with minimal screaming at the sky. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you Monday!

Our Joe

Yesterday might have been the best speech Joe Biden has ever given. Do we wish he hadn’t waited a year to give it? Yeah, we do. But damn he sure brought it. And it seemed to hit the right scumbags. Fox and Trump freaked. Fox, the pretend news channel that has killed thousands of Americans and probably our democracy, said it was divisive. Trump was so freaked he was firing off incoherent statements one right after another. We don’t know if any of Biden’s speech got through to the people who need to hear it most, but we do know we needed to hear it and we know it needed to be said. Thank you, Mr. President. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, NPR

Oh Ted

Yeah, you’ve all seen it by now. Our national Cuck, if we can borrow a super gross word from some super gross people, went on Tucker Carlson’s show last night and begged forgiveness for calling the Jan. 6 terrorists terrorists. The great irony here is that the terrorists themselves said that Cruz was “with us,” but apparently that’s not enough for the pro-terrorist crowd so they made ol’ Ted go on live teevee and cut off what was left of his own tiny little nuts. Y’all, we don’t think that guy is ever gonna be president. More: Washington Post, The Daily Beast

Woohoo!

While the press is doing it’s usual bullshit job of reporting on jobs numbers, here are some bottom lines — the economy added 199,000 jobs, unemployment is down to 3.9 percent (something we were told wouldn’t happen for another four years), average hourly earnings were up .6 percent (that’s 4.7 percent for the year). Oh and the last two months were revised upward by 191,000 jobs just like everyone knew it would. Under Joe Biden, 6.4 million jobs have been created and the unemployment rate has fallen from 6.2 percent to 3.9. Fuck anyone who sees that as bad news. And once again, thank you, Mr. President. More: Bloomberg

Today’s clips

The chair of the House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol said Thursday that the committee has received information showing that members of Congress met with people who came to Washington to participate in protests over the planned certification of electoral votes last year. More: Washington Post

There has been an increase in online extremist content in the past 48 hours, including threats to lawmakers and the President, according to a Department of Homeland Security intelligence memo obtained by CNN. More: CNN

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