Today's Big Stuff 1.6.22

1.6.22

It’s Thursday. There are 306 days until the midterm elections. The attorney general asks for patience, Biden is going to Georgia to talk voting rights and yeah it’s been a year since those sick a-holes came for our democracy. 

Be advised: We’re coming in hot today. If you think we normally cuss a lot and misspell a lot of shit, well, you ain’t seen nothing yete. 

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How are y’all feeling today? Angry, sad, sexy, unsure and yet still somehow resolute? Yeah, us too. We thought we’d holler at y’all early so as not to distract from the important speeches and remembrances, but it’s a weird day, and frankly, we don’t have the first goddamn idea how to talk about it. We thought about trying to give this day the solemnity it deserves. We were thinking about the brave folks we lost that night and in the days and weeks that followed. We were thinking about the people who showed up to defend democracy. And so we scratched out a few poems and some truly moving prose about the importance of keeping the light of democracy burning, and we focused on the many heroes of that dark January day. 

And then we remembered that the motherfucker who launched the attack on our democracy is still walking around free and we decided to just cuss like we’ve never cussed before because that’s who we are and we are still really fucking pissed off about what went down. Remember in the movie Groundhog Day when Bill Murray says “don’t drive angry.” Well what you’re about to read is us driving angry. 

(Clears throat)

Fuck Donald Trump and his terrorist scum friends. Fuck them for attacking our country. Fuck them for lying about it. Fuck them for so far getting away with it. Fuck them with a chair, with a couch and with a fucking futon. Fuck them with a canoe and the fucking oars. Fuck them with the American flag. Fuck them with a garden hose. Fuck them with the Space Force. Fuck them with Gym Jordan’s never-used suit jacket. Fuck them with Matt Gaetz’s venmo account. Fuck them with Margorie Taylor Gross’s space lasers, and fuck them with Lauren Boebert’s pork sliders and the blood shits that come with them. Fuck them with Sean Hannity’s giant head and Tucker Carlson’s tiny… brain. 

(Catching our breath)

Fuck them with bear spray and bike racks and smeared shit on the walls. Fuck them with the Constitution and the rule of law. Fuck them with shit coming out of Rudy Giuliani’s forehead and that cousin he married. Fuck them with Ivanka’s tweet calling the terrorists “patriots.” Fuck them with Melani’s NFTs and the ugly ass clothes she’s selling. Fuck them with goat-horn helmets and QAnon bullshit. Fuck them with Facebook. Fuck them with Josh Hawley’s raised fist. Fuck them with Ted Cruz’s ugly murderous family and plane tickets to Mexico. Fuck them with the trees Madison Cawthron punches. Fuck them. Fuck them all. If they played any role in turning the American tradition of peaceful transfers of power into a dumbfuck orgy of violence and ignorance and body odor, then we sincerely hope they will please go eat all the shit in the world and then shit themselves into oblivion and then somehow eat that shit too. 

Ok, thanks for indulging us and that lunatic gibberish, and please shoot us a note and let us know who we forgot to tell to fuck off.  

Note two: If you want elegance and that unhinged rant didn’t do it for you, we highly recommend listening to President Biden and Vice President Harris today. We’ve heard they use half as many fucks as we did. 

Note three: If we can put the jokes and cussing aside for a second, we do want to say that if you’re sad, angry or scared thinking about what we went through a year ago or what we might go through in the future, we feel you. It was a terrible day, and we all know it’s not over. What you're feeling makes perfect sense. The good news is those deranged assholes woke us up and pissed us off and we’re all more resolved than ever to save this democracy from the dirty sonsofbitches who tried to take it out a year ago. We love y’all, and we’re damn glad to be in this fight with you. If you need to unplug today and focus on some self-care, please do so and we’ll be right here when you get back. 

Note four: If you’re really looking to beat yourself up today, here’s a story about the state of the Democratic agenda on the Hill. It ain’t real encouraging. More: CNN

Note five: Good news! We won Arizona! For real. We know y’all know that but we’re including it anyway in case some dumbshit Trumper got lost up in here. More: Washington Post

Note six: Imagine how dumb you’d have to be to think that Mitch McConnell gives even the tiniest shit about protecting democracy and oh goddamnit there are two Democratic senators buying this shit. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Marsha Blackburn is not the most embarrassing or idiotic Tennessee Republican. Yeah, we were shocked too. More: Sports Illustrated

Note eight: Hey don’t forget that a corrupt and stolen Supreme Court is always out there about to make shit worse. More: Vox

Note nine: The president of the United States is heading west this weekend. He’s going to see the fire damage and comfort survivors in Colorado, and then he’s going to Nevada for Harry Reid’s funeral. More: Daily Camera

Note 10: NASCAR says that asshole Brandon can’t have Let’s Go Brandon on his car. Yay for NASCAR? More: Yahoo Sports

Note 11: It just didn’t seem possible to have a lower opinion of Lindsey Graham. And yet here we are. We’d call him a piece of shit, but you have to figure that even a piece of shit was once food and thus useful. More: Salon

Note 12: If anyone tells you today that we need to move on, ask them if they’re the scumbags who planted pipe bombs on Capitol Hill a year ago. 

Note 13: What the effing hell is going on over at NPR? More: Washington Post

Note 14: Jimmy Carter is warning that democracy is on the brink. Wouldn’t it be swell if we as a country actually listened to him? More: New York Times

Note 15: Ok, SPs, we’re gonna call it early on the notes today. We wanted to do our cussin’ and share some news and then get out of the way so everyone can process today in their own way. For us that’s going to mean a lot more cussin’. Keep your heads up today, and be proud of the fact that you’re one of the people defending democracy and not one of the sleazy motherfuckers trying to end it. For that and so much more, we love y’all.

Note 16: Oh and btw, that thing about Boebert’s sliders is real. More: Salon

Note 17: And because it’s such a heavy fucked up day, here’s the Peanuts dancing to Outkast. More: YouTube

Ok, Merrick

Yesterday AG Merrick Garland gave a mostly newsless update on the Jan. 6 investigation and prosecutions. A lot of folks who listened heard a man who won’t let anyone off the hook no matter how powerful they are. We just heard another bland speech that followed a year of inaction. The people who did this are doing media tours to brag about it, they’re passing laws to make sure they get away with it again and we’re being asked to be patient. Ok, that’s fair. But our patience is running pretty goddamn thin. More: CNN, Associated Press

Back to Georgia

It sure seems like all roads are leading to the peaches, doesn’t it? Next week President Biden is heading back south to talk about voting rights. It sure does appear that we as a party are pivoting away from that domestic agenda we were gonna pass but couldn’t to desperately needed voting legislation that we should pass but probably can’t. The important thing is we’re putting it front and center, and we’re happy to see Joe making this a priority. More: CNN

Coup Day

We don’t really know what else to say that we didn’t already say with f-bombs. But we will say you know things are fucked up when we’re linking to a column written by Karl fucking Rove. We also included an important interview with Speaker Pelosi who says that “democracy won” that night last year. Republicans are counting on Americans forgetting what happened. Well, we ain’t forgetting shit. And we’ve just begun to fight. More: Wall Street Journal, Associated Press, Associated Press II

Today’s clips

The Biden administration is opening additional federally run free Covid-19 testing sites this week in six states across the country -- Maine, Maryland, Nevada, Delaware, Texas and Washington -- as the Omicron variant of the coronavirus continues to surge in the US. More: CNN

The Congressional Progressive Caucus on Wednesday endorsed legislation to expand the size of the U.S. Supreme Court by four seats ― a big boost for the relatively few but vocal progressive lawmakers and groups demanding reforms to the high court. More: Huff Post

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