Today's Big Stuff 1.5.22

1.5.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 307 days until the midterm elections. A cowardly orange traitor cancels his terrorist press conference, Ted Cruz threatens impeachment if Biden won’t insult his wife or something and the Jan. 6 committee has some fun new targets.

Be advised: Get ready for lots of cussing and lots of fucking typoes. 

Note: Happy motherhumping hump day, Sexy Patriots! We are halfway through the longest single goddamn week of the year, and we only have 78 more days left until it’s over. Is it just because we took an extra long break or is it because we came back to work on a Monday? Either way, fuuuuuuck. 

So y’all might’ve noticed that we haven’t brought up the idea of New Year’s resolutions. Mostly because we figured we’d already done enough hacky holiday shit to last y’all for the whole year, but also because other than saving democracy and maybe exercising a little more, we’re feeling okay about things. Still, if you’ll permit us, there are a few things we — as a newsletter — would like to change this year. 

First, we feel like we should probably cuss more. We’ve been a little too subtle, a little too shy, a little too proper and a little too g-rated lately and you can bet your fine fucking ass we’re aiming to fix that shit. Second, we’ve decided not to sweat the copy-editing mistakes quite as much. Mistakes happon, and we’re learning to live with that shot. Third — and this is a big one — we are not going to talk about Joe Manchin anymore. Y’all know we hate that dumb corrupt sonofabitch the way Republicans hate people voting, but at this point he’s just begging for attention and we’re pretty sick and goddamn tired of giving it to him. So unless he actually agrees to act like a fucking Democrat for 15 minutes or unless his goddamn boat sinks, we’re not gonna talk about his dumb ass anymore. He can eat shit and elope with Mitch fucking McConnell for all we care. (We actually do care, but we’re trying not to show it. Look away…)

And lastly, this year we are going to try like the goddamn devil to be more optimistic. Even though we’re all on a shit log in a blender and the start button is always a second away from being pushed, it’s imperative that we keep our heads up and our hearts full. Our mission this year is to save American democracy and the world, and we can’t do that if we think they’re both already lost. You gotta believe that we’re gonna win. You gotta believe that we will prevail. You gotta believe. So while we’re cussing more, we’re gonna be all fucking kinds of sunny and bright and shit. And why wouldn’t we? We’re in this fight with you sexy patriots, and that’s a pretty fucking great reason to believe right there. Have a great Wednesday! 

Note two: So what do you think? Which one of these are we gonna break first? Or do you think we can go the distance? Yeah, we think it’ll be the Manchin one first too. 

Note three: Want to hear something crazy? With Rep. Brenda Lawrence retiring and new maps in place, there’s no guarantee Michigan will have any Black members of Congress after this year. What a joke. More: Washington Post

Note four: Holy farking snit! Look at these jobs numbers! What are we gonna see Friday? More: CNBC

Note five: This is a smart piece about Jan. 6, but it’s impossible to not be furious at a reporter acknowledging that the press has been acting like the attack didn’t happen. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: The most important thing to remember this Jan. 6 is that they haven’t stopped and they’re going to try again. More: Huff Post, Philadelphia Inquirer

Note seven: So people in the Navy can now choose whatever orders they want to follow? The Village People should write a new song called Stay the Fuck Away from the Navy Unless You Want to Get Sick. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Kyrsten Sinema is still defending the filibuster. Are y’all as excited as we are to support her primary opponent? More: Axios

Note nine: You really have to wonder how many other Republicans are hiding positive results. More: Texas Tribune

Note 10: Susan Collins doesn’t think election reform is necessary. Susan Collins is either an idiot or a traitor, and we are not ruling out both. More: Axios

Note 11: There was a time in America when getting sued by police officers you tried to have killed would disqualify you from running for higher office. But then the whole Republican Party went serial killer psycho. More: CNN

Note 12: So while we’re figuring out what 2022 is gonna look like, it’s weird to be thanking Melania for something. But we have to. Hearing that this human dumpster is selling her shit, you know like ex-first ladies do, has brought us so much laughter these past couple days. We were gonna buy y’all one of her hats, then we realized you’d probably catch something from it. How much of this stuff do we think she stole from Michelle? More: CNN

Note 13: Here’s a handy guide to refuting Republican lies about Jan. 6. If you live in a red state or have Republican family members, you might want to print this fucker out, laminate it and carry it around with you. More: CNN

Note 14: Wal-mart and Kroger just boosted the prices on at-home COVID tests. Hey, Mr. President, do something about this shit. More: Bloomberg

Note 15: Joe Madison is on a hunger strike for voting rights. Why don’t more people in our party care? More: Washington Post

Note 16: The Jan. 6 committee is thinking about holding televised hearings. Why is this even a discussion? Just fucking do it. More: Bloomberg

Note 17: This is a smart piece by Aaron Blake about how Republicans are now pretty much admitting it was a coup attempt. If you didn’t see Ari Melber take on Peter Navarro last night, you should. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Merrick Garland is speaking today. We have a pretty low fucking opinion of that guy right now, and we’re not all that optimistic that he’s going to change it today.

Note 19: Congrats and good luck to our dear friend Nabilah Islam who is running for state Senate in Georgia.

Note 20: Ok, SPs, we want to hear about your New Year’s resolutions. Shoot us a note and tell us what you’re trying to do this year other than survive. And don’t tell us your goal is to get sexier because that would be impossible. We hope y’all are having a good week, and we’ll see you tomorrow. 

Chickenshit

Orange ass-for-brains has decided to cancel his Jan. 6 press conference. As gross as it was gonna be, we kinda wanted him to go through with it and remind everyone that he tried to use violent terrorists to overthrow the government. But he’s a weakling and a fool so it was just too hard for him. And apparently he was pissed that none of the networks were gonna carry his bullshit live. We have to be honest — we had no idea the networks were capable of that kind of responsible restraint. Instead, Trump will spend the day tomorrow firing off incoherent statements and being one of the worst pieces of shit to ever walk this earth. More: Washington Post, CNN

Here it comes

Republicans ain’t won shit yet and Ted Cruz is already promising Biden will be impeached if they retake the House this year. Yep, he just came right out and said it. He also said it would mostly be payback because Democrats impeached Trump twice. It’s here that we remind you that Ted Cruz was part of an effort to overthrow the government and the fact that he has any place in our government still is a massive failure that we’ll probably all regret for the rest of our days. More: Washington Post

Interesting

Sean Hannity didn’t mention it on his show last night, but the Jan. 6 committee is asking him to come have a talk with them. They released texts last night that he was sending to Meadows and Jordan in the lead-up to the 6th, in which he was begging his tangerine daddy to take the L and go down to Florida. Chairman Bennie Thompson also says the committee wants to talk to Mike Pence. Um, the attack was a fucking year ago. Why the fuck are we just trying to do this now? More: Axios, CNN

Today’s clips

A virtual celebration of the Democratic sweep of last year’s U.S. Senate runoffs will double as a campaign rally for Stacey Abrams’ bid for governor.

U.S. Sen. Jon Ossoff plans to endorse Abrams at the “runoff anniversary” tribute on Wednesday to commemorate the dual Democratic wins that flipped control of the chamber. Hundreds of other supporters will also join the online event. More: AJC

President Biden announced Tuesday that the U.S. will buy 20 million courses of Pfizer's COVID antiviral pill Paxlovid, effectively doubling its previous order of 10 million. More: Axios

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