Today's Big Stuff 1.4.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 308 days until the midterm elections. Brain Sicknick’s partner wants Trump in jail (so do we), the Trump kids try to quash a new subpoena and the coup plotters are bragging about their coup attempt. 

Be advised: The people here who are in charge of cussing are back from vacation. The people in charge of spelling shet right are not.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, what do we think? Is this gonna be our year or what? Or is the sample size too small? Yeah, we’re with you. We’re looking for signs everywhere, but it’s just too damn soon to tell what we’re looking at.  

We feel like we’re in an 80s buddy cop movie. Yeah, we don’t know this 2022 everyone’s talking about, but goddamnit he’s our new partner and we’re stuck with him. He could be a helluva cop. We really hope he is. But we also know he’s related to those sick assholes 2016-2021, and we remember the crazy shit they put us through. 

So in comes 2022 and everyone used to be like oh hey happy new year but now we’re breaking a glass bottle on the bar and and waving the jagged bottleneck around screaming OK MOTHERFUCKER LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT! YOU WANNA GET CRAZY?! OK LET’S GET FUCKING CRAZY! And then the captain is like yo, sexy patriots, you gotta calm down and not cut this asshole because whether you like it or not he’s your partner for the next 360+ days. And we’re like goddamnit we’re too old for this shit and 2022 is like let’s hit the streets! And that’s when we’re like ok you crazy sonofabitch we don’t trust you and we’re not sure if we like you but we’ll ride with you because we ain’t got a goddamn choice because democracy needs saving and we’re the lucky shitheads who just clocked in. And then 2022 puts on its shades and says let’s do this and we ride off to go to work. 

Our hope is that at the end of the movie, we might be a little bruised and bloodied and everything might be exploded and on fire, but we beat the bad guys and then we turn to 2022 and say well we did it and you can be our partner anytime and 2022 says no fuck that you can be my partner and we laugh until the frame freezes. But there’s just no telling what’s gonna happen. So for now, let’s just hope this asshole doesn’t get us all killed. 

Note two: We really have no idea what that had to do with politics. Or what it had to do with anything. We hope y’all have a great Tuesday.

Note three: Y’all, we don’t even want to hear the word “mild” when we’re ordering chicken wings. Omicron is real, it’s hitting everyone and even a little COVID can be a big problem. So please please please get boosted, get yourself some good masks instead of that cloth shit and stay the eff away from people who get medical advice from Joe fucking Rogan. More Washington Post, Bloomberg

Note four: Congrats to Don Jr. and Kim Guilfoyle on oh fucking gross we can’t even get through it. They’re engaged, and we’re gonna go throw up. Can you imagine how dumb and loud their kids would be? 

Note five: Trump was very mad that Marjorie Taylor Gross got permanently suspended by twitter. Maybe she’ll be the next Melania when that whole NFT scam takes off. More The Hill

Note six: Goddamn Kanye is just the worst. How can the guy who did Runaway suck this much? More The Daily Beast

Note seven: The American worker sure seems to be finding his and her voice. And we are so fucking here for it. More CNN

Note eight: Of course Facebook had a role in a violent coup attempt against the United States. You want to shock us? Tell us something good Facebook has done. More Washington Post

Note nine: John Roberts says the judiciary is doing just fine and doesn’t need Congress to get involved. Sigh. We’ll probably form another goddamn commission to figure out that he’s full of shit. More Washington Post

Note 10: So this is what the sick fuck traitors are doing on Jan. 6. We could really be talking about Bannon, Trump or Axios at this point. More Axios

Note 11: Rep. Bobby Rush, the only candidate to ever beat Barack Obama, announced he is retiring. More Chicago SunTimes

Note 12: Congrats to Trump on winning Texas again or some stupid shit. More RawStory

Note 13: So we were gonna put this in the news section and we probably should have. But here’s the deal — Republicans winning the House is far from guaranteed. Redistricting didn’t help them as much as we all thought it would and they are fucking crazy shitheads. We can still win this thing. So ignore the pundits who are wrong about everything, and focus on the fight. We can do this. More USA Today

Note 14: This is one of those stories that makes us either want to go back to bed or buy some nunchucks. More NBC News

Note 15: It sure does seem like not that long ago in America, a governor who was too chickenshit to save the lives of their people with basic common sense about vaccines and boosters would’ve been shamed and run out of public life. But then we got dumber. More Washington Post

Note 16: And then you have dumbshits like this lady, who got so dumb they died. More OC Register

Note 17: Pfizer has good news for kids. Damn it’s weird writing a sentence like that. More CNBC

Note 18: Schumer said yesterday he’s pressing ahead with an effort to change the filibuster rules if Republicans continue to stop legislation to protect the vote. He said this morning he still doesn’t have Manchin and Sinema on board so yeah we miss Harry Reid. More Washington Post

Note 19: Canada is worried about us. And frankly, they should be. More The Globe and Mail

Note 20: Wait. So you’re telling us Ashli Babbitt wasn’t some normal totally cool citizen before she got shot trying to overthrow the government? We’re stunned. More AP News

Note 21: It sure seems like a big deal to us that Team Treason had an actual goddamn plan to harass election workers. More Independent

Note 22: Let’s end today on a good note — Devin Nunes ain’t in Congress anymore. Woohoo!

Note 23: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news! We hope y’all are shaking off that holiday break rust ok and weathering this latest COVID wave. We love y’all! 

Seriously, lock him up

Sandra Garza, who was with Brian Sicknick for 11 years, told PBS that she holds Trump 100 percent responsible for the late officer’s death, and she said Trump belongs in prison for what he did. Sicknick was one of the officers who died after Trump launched a terror attack on the United States Capitol. If Democrats have any brains or balls, they will embrace Garza and her message. But honestly, who knows. Also, Capitol police officers Harry Dunn and Aquilino Gonell havean oped in the Washington Post today calling for real accountability. We doubt super chickenshit Merrick Garland will give a damn, but he is addressing DOJ tomorrow. Expect it to be unsatisfying. More PBS, Washington Post, Washington Post

Why tigers eat their young

Thank you to Rodney Dangerfield for that old joke. Don Jr. and Ivanka have been subpoenaed by New York AG Letitia James, and they are trying to quash it. Someone should tell Junior that a subpoena is like cocaine — something he can’t say no to. And someone should tell Ivanka to just fuck off. More ABC News, NY Times

No really, lock them up

How weak has the response to an attack on the U.S. been? Well, Peter Navarro gave an interview to Rolling Stone to fucking brag about it. Yeah, Navarro has been quite open about telling journalists that he and Steve Bannon had a great plan and 100 congressional co-conspirators to overturn an American election. The attack was shocking and embarrassing. The response has been too. More Rolling Stone

Today's clips

What hasn’t disappeared for residents and workers in the Capitol Hill neighborhood are the memories of that dark day when democracy felt in the balance. As the anniversary of the attack approaches, the fallout continues to be felt. More Washington Post

The Biden administration will offer $1 billion to help independent meat and poultry producers in its latest measure to fight inflation, the White House announced Monday. More Axios

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