Today's Big Stuff 12.9.21

12.9.21

It’s Thursday. There are 334 days until the midterm elections. More good economic news, New York would like to have a word with Trump and the United States Senate wants the pandemic to last longer. 

Be advised: This here newsletter has lots of typos and cuss wards. Shit.

Note: Here’s a riddle — what’s sexy and patriotic and just all around awesome? Well you of course. And us, but we don’t like to toot our own sexy horns. You can go to jail for that shit in some states. We can’t think of any good way to transition from that, so we’ll just say that today we’d like to talk to you about Joe Biden and the movie Road House. LOL. Just hang with us for a second. 

In Road House, Patrick Swayze played a cooler, or head bouncer, who told his staff that no matter how unruly the customers were, he wanted them to “be nice.” The other bouncers are incredulous. How can they be nice to people trying to fight them in a bar? Swayze, or “Dalton” and his glorious hair, explains to them that he wants them “to be nice until it’s time to not be nice.” How will they know? They won’t. He’ll let them know. It’s seriously such a cool fucking movie y’all almost got TBS about one hour and 54 minutes late today. So why are we talking about this somewhat dated but nonetheless brilliant piece of cinema? Because it’s time for President Biden to not be nice. 

Now we know that’s not his brand. We know he won the presidency and we haven’t… yet. We know he’s a good and decent man and nice is his factory setting. And we’re also big fans who don’t want to change him. But goddamnit, Joe, throw us a fucking bone. While the Senate is holding up your nominees and stalling your agenda and oh yeah like a dozen of them tried to violently overthrow the fucking government, maybe don’t go to Missouri and talk about how helpful Roy fucking Blunt is. Y’all be friends later. Maybe Meg Whitman can go find another Quib gig instead of getting an appointment.  Our point is this — polls are showing that even some Democrats don’t know that democracy is in real trouble or that Roe is toast. Republicans just won in Virginia less than a year after they attacked our fucking capital. It is past time to stop talking about what great goddamn people they are, and start getting on message about the dangerous shit-eating monsters trying to take over the House.  

Now we don’t expect the president to start ripping people’s throats out — Spoiler: Dalton totally does that and it’s totally rad — but c’mon, man! Maybe we’re wrong, and he’s right. Maybe he’s just trying to keep the union together despite powerful forces trying to pull it apart. Maybe that’s what presidents are supposed to do. But man we’d sure love to see him start karate chopping some motherfuckers. Or at least call in Sam Elliott. More: YouTube, Hollywood Reporter

Note two: We sure do miss Patrick Swayze. And Jeff Healey for that matter. If you’ve never seen the movie, we really appreciate you humoring us. And you should seriously check that shit out. It includes one of the greatest lines ever written for the screen — “Pain don’t hurt.” Goosebumps. 

Note three: Ron Johnson, an actual United States Senator, said that mouthwash has been proven to kill the coronavirus. He used the words “standard gargle.” The worst part? He’s lying. Dude has never once tried mouthwash. He’s even known on the Hill as Ol’ Stankbreath Ron. He’s also known as That Goddamn Idiot Traitor. He answers to both. More: Raw Story

Note four: Ok, we wanted to throw some extra silly your way today before we showed you this. If you’ve already seen Secretary Clinton reading from her would-be 2016 victory speech, then you know you want to watch it again. If you haven’t already seen it, get some tissues before you watch. More: Today

Note five: When Georgia passed its bullshit election reform law, we were told by white reporters that we were overreacting to call it Jim Crow. Well let’s hope those same reporters see this story. More: Reuters

Note six: JP Morgan says next year will be the year of a full global recovery. That sounds pretty fucking great to us. If we could do it by say October, that would be just swell. More: Axios

Note seven: A congressional staffer with a gun caused a brief lockdown on Capitol Hill this morning. So just another fucked up day in America. More: KWQC

Note eight: The entire GOP message for the midterms is that Jan. 6 was totally cool and they’d totally do that shit again. More: Axios

Note nine: We used to love Florida for spring break. But that was back when it was a part of the United States of America. More: Miami Herald

Note 10: Wait. Fox has gotten worse?! Oh yeah they totally have. That’s why their Christmas tree had to go. We’re kidding! More: Washington Post

Note 11: It’s come to this. California is working to establish itself as an abortion-safe zone. This sounds like normal shit that happens in an advanced country, right? More: Associated Press

Note 12: It’s so weird to frame this story as this sweet little old lady didn’t know what she was doing when she financed an attack against the United States. More: Washington Post

Note 13: This needs to happen. This country has ignored Islamophobia for too long. More: CNN

Note 14: Sometimes we forget just how awful Megan McCain is. Nice of her to pop up every once in a while to remind us. Ugh. Still just the absolute worst. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Pence won’t commit to cooperating with the Jan. 6 committee. LOL. America is finally going to unite with both parties chasing this chickenshit down the street. More: Axios

Note 16: It’s nice to have a president who actually gives a fuck about our troops. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Mark Meadows is suing the Jan. 6 committee. Hey, at least he didn’t break in and bear spray them like last time. More: CNN

Note 18: Man, we are still fucked up from that Hillary victory speech. Is it dusty in here? No, ok then we’re just straight up crying.

Note 19: This is some truly terrifying shit, and we really wish more people in D.C. would act like it. More: Axios

Note 20: So we should have put this in the news section and we’re sorry but President Biden is hosting the virtual summit on democracy. It’s virtual so like the actual fight for democracy, nobody showed up. We’re sorry. We don’t mean to be jerks about it, but this shit is going sideways fast and Washington just doesn’t seem to care that much. Still, we wish the president well with this summit, and we do think it’s a good idea. More: McClatchy DC

Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, let’s get our fine selves to the news. Our deepest apologies if you’ve heard Sam go off on that Biden-as-Patrick-Swayze-from-Road-House shit before. It’s amazing how often he brings it up, and like nobody else has any idea what he’s talking about. But if he asks, just smile and nod and say yeah buddy you’re doing great. Hope y’all are having a fantastic day. 

Biden boom

It seems like every day this country gets more good economic news despite endless efforts by the Republican Party and the MSM to tell us how much everything sucks. That’s our job! Today we learned that the number of Americans applying for unemployment dropped to a 52-year low last week. 52 years! Seems pretty fucking good to us. More: CNBC

Come on home, orangey

NY AG Letitia James is asking Trump to sit for a deposition early next year. As she investigates fraud in the Trump Organization — we’re guessing there might be some — James wants to depose Trump on Jan. 7. Hard to believe that will be over one year since Trump tried to overthrow the government. Maybe someone should be investigating him for that too. More: Washington Post

Forever pandemic

Senate Republicans who want the pandemic to keep going so they can hurt Democrats and win elections voted last night to stop President Biden’s efforts to stop the spread of COVID. Unfortunately, two chickenshit Democrats — Manchin and Jon Tester — joined the effort to give it the look of a bipartisan rejection. Cowards. The measure is expected to fail in the House or get vetoed by Biden. So it was mostly just a message bill and the message is the Senate wants us all to die. More: Huff Post, NBC News

Today’s clips

Comprehensive Black maternal healthcare was front and center at the first ever White House Maternal Health Day of Action on Tuesday, hosted by Vice President Kamala Harris, featuring policy solutions developed over nearly a decade in collaboration with the Congressional Black Maternal Health Caucus and a deep bench of policymakers, researchers, and leaders on the frontlines of the crisis. 

More: The Grio

President Joe Biden will sign an executive order Wednesday directing the federal government to get to net-zero emissions by 2050, using the power of the federal purse to buy clean energy, purchase electric vehicles and make federal buildings more energy efficient.

More: CNN