Today's Big Stuff 1.28.22

1.28.22

Happy Friday. There are 284 days until the midterm elections. Biden not messing around on SCOTUS, why we had to pass an infrastructure law and the White House gets a new resident. 

Be advised: In addition to cussing a lot and misspelling lots of shit, today we’re also fuckinl up some of your beloved childhood memories. 

Note: Well well well. Look who got sexier as the week wore on. We see you, SPs. Now some people might think it’s weird that a newsletter tells them how sexy they are. But when you’re as sexy as y’all are, it just makes sense. You know what doesn’t make sense? A grown ass man giving a flying fuck what Minnie Mouse is wearing. 

Yeah, Tucker “Candyman” Carlson has spent some time this week freaking out that the famed Disney cartoon character is gonna start wearing a pantsuit. If you didn’t know this was happening, congratulations on having more of a life than Candyman. Oh and we call him Candyman because he had a similar meltdown when they changed the way the lady M&M dresses. The dude is obviously a white supremacist lunatic, but he also clearly has a serious cartoon female fetish. We don’t like to kink shame around here, but they better keep that sonofabitch away from Marge Simpson. 

To respond to this perverted jackassery, we actually have a special guest here today. To avoid a crippling lawsuit, we’ll call him M. Mouse. No, that’s confusing. We’ll call him Mickey M. Mickey M., go ahead and say what you gotta say.

“Thank you, TBS. And thank you, Sexy Patriots. You know what I think is sexy? A strong independent woman who wears what she wants when she wants. I also think respect is sexy. And decency. And equality is sexy. You know what I think is not sexy? That creepy spoiled rotten bow-tie humping nazi motherfucker who is paying way too much attention to what a cartoon mouse is wearing. Seriously, bro, you’re creeping us all out. Shouldn’t you be committing mass murder by telling COVID patients to sniff farts for good health or some shit? Do the most normal thing you do and go fuck a bag of M&Ms. And I better not see your freak ass in Orlando or Goofy and the boys are gonna have something to say about it. Don’t forget to wish upon a star. For a goddamn soul.”

Wow. You heard it here first folks. We wouldn’t want to be Tucker. But that’s always true. Also, props to Stella McCartney for a gorgeous pantsuit. Minnie, as always, looks fierce. More: CNN

Note two: If you read that again in that famous high-pitched voice, it gets a lot funnier.  

Note three: Did y’all see the ovation Vice President Harris received in Honduras?! Holy cow! It must’ve made the Washington-New York media furious! More:

Note four: Trump has turned Wisconsin into a fucking Mad Max movie with way more drunk Mel Gibsons. More: Vice

Note five: Damn. We should’ve saved that description for the Fifth Circuit. More: Slate

Note six: If you’re eating a restaurant where Sarah Palin eats, you should not eat at that restaurant. This advice was also true before the pandemic. More: Gathamist

Note seven: Maybe Joe Manchin won’t fuck us on SCOTUS. More: Bloomberg

Note eight: Or maybe the people who bought him will tell him to bring back the filibuster for judicial nominations. More: CNBC

Note nine: If you’re like us, these stories about QAnon Jan. 6 scumbags going to jail are like candy. Easy, Tucker. More: CBS News

Note 10: If you lived through the 1980s and 1990s, you might’ve thought this day would never come. Hallelujah and high fucking five. More: Good Morning America

Note 11: Republicans tried to cheat in the last election. When they couldn’t, they tried to overthrow the government. When that failed, they went after the rest of the system that rejected them. More: NBC News

Note 12: We don’t know how to feel. We’re usually bummed and furious when the Biden administration loses. But this feels like a good loss. More: CNN

Note 13: Joe Biden is gonna be a part of an effort to honor Betty White. We love our president. More: People

Note 14: These folks broke the law. They should face the consequences. And then eat shit. More: Huff Post

Note 15: It is flat out terrifying how many dumb people are listening to other dumb people who they think are smart people. More: CNN

Note 16: It’s probably not a coincidence that Republican lawmakers keep targeting Black women nominees. Check that. It is definitely not a coincidence a bunch of racist fucking scumbags keep targeting qualified Black women nominees. More: Huff Post

Note 17: How has it been 36 years since the Challenger explosion? Godspeed.

Note 18: So it’s been a while since we recommended some television shows. Abbot Elementary is amazing, and we can’t stop laughing at Peacemaker. If you’re watching anything good, please let us know. More: The Daily Beast

Note 18: They’re banning books y’all. It’s been weighing on us all week, and we don’t really know what to say. But if we don’t fight back against this shit with everything we’ve got, then we’re going to lose it all. 

Note 19: Oh nothing just a headline in the Washington Post about a House Republican and the “sex-trafficking” case against him. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s get to the news and then let’s get to the weekend. We hope y’all are holding up through this long winter ok. We know you’ve been through four years of Trump so there’s nothing you can’t handle but still. We love y’all, and we hope you’re hanging in there. See you Monday! 

About damn time

President Biden appeared with Justice Stephen Breyer at the White House yesterday to announce the latter’s retirement from the Supreme Court. Biden said he planned to move expeditiously and the only decision he’s made is that he will nominate a Black woman. This is why we vote, y’all. This is why we work so hard. This is what we can be. More: Washington Post, Associated Press

Falling down

Why is it a big fucking deal that we passed an infrastructure law? Because America’s is falling apart. For example, a bridge in Pittsburgh collapsed this morning. Nobody was killed, but cars and a bus were left dangling and it looked like some seriously terrifying shit. In a case of either perfect or awful timing, President Biden was already scheduled to be in Pittsburgh today to talk about the infrastructure spending and building new bridges. More: WTAE, Associated Press

Yay!

Say hello to Willow, the first cat. Yes, the Bidens, who unlike a certain orange psychopath actually like pets, have introduced a cat to their crew. Now we know y’all think we’re gonna make a joke about how Trump had a cat too, but we’re gonna take the high-ish road today and not call Mike Pence the p-word. Congrats to the first family on their new addition. More: NPR

Today’s clips

Chasten Buttigieg, an educator and husband of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, is speaking out against legislation advancing in Florida that critics have dubbed the “Don’t say gay bill,” arguing that it could lead to more suicides among LGBTQ youths. More: Washington Post

And so the emerging White House strategy aims to find ways for Democrats to lock arms with an increasingly unpopular president on what they contend is a popular agenda. In the process, Biden is applying his longtime adage — “I’ll campaign for you or against you, whatever helps most” — finding ways to note when fellow Democrats have challenged him sometimes as much as they’ve backed him. More: NBC News

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