Today's Big Stuff 12.8.22

12.8.22

It’s Thursday. There are 698 days until the presidential election. The House votes to protect families, Biden steps up to protect pensions and an early holiday miracle.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because there’s a lot of shit to cuss about.

Note: Gather ‘round, Sexy Patriots, and hear the tale of how Sleepy Joe became Dark Brandon. There once was a man named Sleepy Joe. That wasn’t his real name. A bunch of assholes just called him that because they worshiped an orange shitmonster who thought nicknames were funny. Sleepy Joe inherited a goddamn mess when he entered the castle, especially after the orange shitmonster attacked the US Capitol and didn’t do jack shit except play golf as a plague swept the land.

But Sleepy Joe was not deterred. Oh not in the slightest. He put on his aviators, and he went to work. He ended a war, he saved the economy, he defended democracy, he lowered gas prices, he got way more people health insurance, he got a deal to build more roads and bridges and a whole lot of other shit. And as he did, Sleepy Joe became a memory. In his place, Dark Brandon arose.

And Dark Brandon was far from sleepy. Dark Brandon got shit done. And today Dark Brandon performed a holiday miracle, bringing home an American political prisoner who had been unjustly held in Russia by the orange shitmonster’s BFF. Thank you, Dark Brandon. For this and every other miracle you’ve performed over these last two years.

Long live, Dark Brandon!

Note two: We’ve seen the hateful scum who are disappointed we’re bringing a Black woman home, and those sick fucks are not gonna steal our joy over this. We’ve got a lot to celebrate this week, and we ain’t letting some red-hat asslicks ruin it.

Note three: Just a reminder, SPs, that we’re taking tomorrow and all the other Fridays this month off. What can we say — we don’t have Dark Brandon’s stamina.

Note four: Trump’s lawyers found some more classified documents. He is still walking around a free man for some reason. More: CNBC

Note five: If Giuliani ever just melts all the way away into a puddle of poo, we’ll at least still have this dumb motherfucker…

Note six: Just a reminder — WE FUCKING WON IN GEORGIA THIS WEEK!!!

Note seven: This is also good news for our superstar Vice President who will no longer have to hang around the Capitol to break so many tiebreakers. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Today the New York Times guild is walking out. So while we normally don’t link to the New York Times because they suck, today we’re not linking to them in solidarity. More: NPR

Note nine: Micah Parsons plays for the Dallas Cowboys. His first reaction to the news Brittney Griner is coming home was to shit all over it. So fuck that piece of shit. We’ll never forget it.

Note 10: Wanna see something fucking awesome?

Note 11: Trump hosted a QAnon lunatic at Mar-a-Lago. At this point it would be more newsworthy if he had dinner with a normal person. More: ABC News

Note 12: House Ethics hit Madison Cawthorn with a fine of $15,000. That’s all well and good but who the fuck is Madison Cawthorn? More: CNBC

Note 13: US Rep. Paul Gosar, that dude whose family hates him, said in a tweet yesterday that he supports and agrees with Trump’s call to terminate the Constitution. He later deleted the tweet, so everything is fine now. More: Axios

Note 14: Big love to Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff for speaking out on antisemitism. More: NPR

Note 15: This gave us the feels…

Note 16: Rolling Stone is reporting that Trump’s Jewish allies are begging him to condemn his nazi buddies and he won’t. It might be because he likes nazis. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: The US has never recorded as many positive flu cases as it did this week. Please get your flu shot and your new COVID booster. We need y’all.

Note 18: Excuse us, but what the effing fuck is this?

Note 19: Let’s end today’s notes on a positive one — the miserable fuckhead who sponsored Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill was indicted on multiple fraud charges. We hope he rots. More: CBS News

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news and then take a long weekend. We love y’all so much, and we’re so damn grateful to you for joining us. We’ll see you Monday, Sexy Patriots.

Democrats protect families

This morning, the House is voting on a bill that would protect same-sex and interracial marriages. It’s the bill that passed in the Senate. And while Republican after Republican is stepping to the mic to reveal what hateful pieces of shit they are, we are getting this done today and Joe Biden is going to sign it. Democrats protect families. Republicans break them up. More: Reuters

More from Dark Brandon

After the whole railworkers mess, a lot of folks were questioning Joe Biden’s commitment to labor. Today Biden is answering those critics by providing $36 billion to protect the pensions of more than 350,000 people who were gonna lose up to 60 percent of their benefits. This shit matters, y’all. More: CNBC

Welcome home, BG

As we mentioned in the opening note, Brittney Griner is on her way home. And while we are disappointed that Paul Whelan isn’t with her, we don’t doubt for one second that Biden is doing everything he can to get him home too. But we will not let that diminish the relief and happiness we feel that our fellow American, who was unjustly detained and punished, is coming home. Good work, Dark Brandon.

Today’s clips

The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection will publish its final report in about two weeks, its leader said on Wednesday. More: Huff Post

The justices on the Supreme Court appeared split Wednesday over whether to back a fringe theory that would upend election and redistricting law in every state. More: Huff Post

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