Today's Big Stuff 12.8.21

12.8.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 335 days until the midterm elections. Mark Meadows is getting referred for contempt, Biden stares down Putin and America spends another buttload on defense.

Be advised: We cuss a lot, and we spell stuff wrong. Holy shit. We didn’t misspell anything that timj. Damnit.

Note: Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A bunch of sexy patriots and the hottest damn newsletter you ever saw, that’s who! How the hell are you today, SPs? Well you look finer than frog hair, and we can just tell you’re in the mood for one of our trademark non sequiturs. Actually, TBS, democracy is dying and it would be great if you could just get right to the new… Non sequitur it is!

Welp, we found it! The Mt. Rushmore of Opposite World! Of course we’re talking about four of the dumbest, craziest and sleaziest motherfuckers in the history of this entire fucking planet — Marjorie Taylor Eww Gross, Laren is So Goddamn Dumbert, Matt “The Venmo Vampire” Gaetz and Paul Gosar, who doesn’t need a nickname because his name is already lower that worm shit. The giant empty heads of Mt. Dumbfuckmore gathered before the camers (shocker!) Tuesday to tell the world how badly their scumbag Jan. 6 terrorist buddies are doing in jail. It turns out that jail sucks, and that’s where you go if you attack your own country and try to overthrow the government and injure 140 cops.

During the projectile vomiting of right-wing lunacy, one of the four worst people to ever live and share a stage together (there are so many bands we want to take shots at here, but we’re just gonna be nice today because we’re already cussing a lot) Matt Gaetz actually said something worth paying attention to… even though he has the right to remain silent.

Gaetz said: “We are going to take power after the next election. When we do, it’s not going to be the days of Paul Ryan and Trey Gowdy, no real oversight and no real subpoenas. It’s going to be the days of Jim Jordan, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Dr. Gosar and myself.”

We don’t know how to say it any better than that sick piece of shit who’s credibly accused of unspeakable crimes. What?! We’re quoting fucking Matt Gaetz now?! Well yeah and it’s gross and we’re sure we’ll regret it, but it is absolutely a damn warning of what’s coming if we check out of this fight. So — and we seriously can’t fucking believe we’re saying this — heed Matt Gaetz’s words, and keep working to deny him that perverse and horrifying future. We hope you’re having a good week. We’re gonna go throw up in a very hot shower. More: Forbes

Note two: Someone set the Fox News Christmas tree on fire. It wasn’t us. NBC News

Note three: Speaking of Christmas, when did the true meaning of this time of year become we’re coming to kill you? More: Huff Post

Note four: So we learned something — you can carve out exceptions to the filibuster for the debt ceiling just not for stuff like voting or women’s rights. Good to know. More: Huff Post

Note five: These staffers have a point, and it sucks they have to put up with this shit. More: NBC News

Note six: RIP Greg Tate. More: Art News

Note seven: We don’t know that he ever stopped, but Joe Manchin has returned to Full Suck status. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Oh and here’s just one of the consequences for American families if Manchin keeps fucking around. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Why do so many of these assholes go to jail but it’s never the big orange one? More: Washington Post

Note 10: Nice to see at least someone is doing something about Jamal Khashoggi’s murder. More: Washington Post

Note 11: You know, other than selling more arms to Saudi Arabia. More: Roll Call

Note 12: It’s not an idiotic story about BlueTooth, but this from Vice President Harris’s office seems pretty fucking important to us. More: CNN

Note 13: Gas and energy prices are going down. Will the press do a bunch of stories thanking Biden? Yeah, we don’t think so either. More: CNN

Note 14: We have a late entrant for feel-good story of the year. Melt, baby, melt. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Steve Bannon wanted a delay, and a Trump judge gave it to him. Real cool system we have here. More: Law and Crime

Note 16: Republicans and more Democrats than we care to admit should be fucking ashamed over this. More: Huff Post

Note 17: Long overdue, but good for Vermont. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Dan Crenshaw says the Freedom Caucus are grifters. He said it while wearing a Spiderman costume and pointing. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Those Trump judges are a damn menace. More: PBS

Note 20: Talk about bringing an empty water gun to a forest fire. More: Washington Post

Note 21: And lastly today, Vice President Harris was right. Politico was wrong. And y’all already know how we feel about that. More: The Daily Beast

Note 22: Ok, you sexy patriots, let’s get to the news. We hope y’all are having a great day, and we should note that you should never ever ever ever heed any of Matt Gaetz’s words other than those we quoted in the opening note. And even that feels really wrong. Love y’all!

Git him

Fresh off an appearance on Hannity that would certainly seem to fly in the face of any privilege claims, Mark Meadows is about to be held in contempt of Congress. The Jan. 6 committee announced this morning that Meadows had given them “no choice” but to move ahead with contempt proceedings. And it makes sense — that sonofabitch sure is contemptible. More: Axios

Git him too

Over a two-hour video secure chat yesterday, President Biden made clear to Putin that real pain was coming if Russia invades Ukraine. Biden told Trump’s boss that the U.S. is willing to impose some stuff it wasn’t back in 2014, and today Putin called for fresh talks to diffuse the situation. Nice work, Mr. President. More: CNN

Gross

So even though we ended a war and our Capitol fell to a bunch of dirtbag terrorists who spent like $500, America is sticking with its tradition of spending a shitload on defense with very little debate or consideration. We only do that when it comes to shit like capping the cost of insulin. Our national priorities are a fucking mess. More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

The Senate voted 68-31 to confirm Federal Communications Commission Chair Jessica Rosenworcel, the first woman to hold that title, to another five-year term, narrowly avoiding a Republican majority at the agency once her current term was set to expire at the end of the year. More: CNBC

The House select committee investigating the January 6 riot has formally subpoenaed the phone records of more than 100 people, a substantial number that includes former Trump officials and associates of the ex-President such as his one-time chief of staff Mark Meadows, according to multiple sources familiar with the matter. More: CNN

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