Today's Big Stuff 1.27.22

1.27.22

It’s Thursday. There are 285 days until the midterm elections. We’re filling a SCOTUS seat, Matt Gaetz is in some serious trouble and holy hell this economy is on fire. 

Be advised: What has no thumbs and cusses and misspells lots of shit? This newslutter. 

Note: Well, we’ll be damned. If it ain’t the sexiest patriots to ever walk this dying Earth. How the heck are y’all today? Well, we’re glad to hear it. So we assume that means y’all want the good news first, right? No? Ok, well then we’ll start with the bad news. The bad news is it’s getting ready to start literally raining shit. Like an actual torrential downpour of feces. You ever see that movie Magnolia where it rains frogs? Well it’ll be like that. Except instead of frogs, it’ll be shit. 

Hey, TBS, speaking of shit, you’ve lost yours and you’re looking hot today. Well thank you! And no, we haven’t lost our shit. It’s gonna rain poop, y’all. A lot. Please allow us to explain. You see Joe Biden is most likely getting ready to make history, move America closer to its goal of a more perfect union and nominate an exceptionally well-qualified Black woman to start the long and painful process of repairing the Supreme Court while representing a marginalized and crucial group of Americans who are long overdue for representation and justice. And when he does, there are gonna be millions of racist assholes’ heads that just straight up fucking explode. The blast out of Mar-a-Lago alone will change the tides for a week. And it won’t be brains that come raining down on America when they all blow. 

Yep, there’s a reason they call ‘em shit-for-brains. It’s a real thing. And these shit-for-brains peckerhead assholes are already showing everyone just how fucking awful they can be. And we know it’s only gonna get worse. We know who they are, but they’re getting ready to show us again just for good measure and because they’re hateful dickheads who just can’t help themselves. Now for the good news — you can get your official TBS Shitcatcher for just $200 a piece. Now it might look like a normal umbrella we stole from a steakhouse, but we assure you it is a certified Shitcatcher. Get yours now before it starts pouring poo! Because whether those shit-for-brains want it to happen or not, change is coming to the Supreme Court.* 

*Unless Manchin or Sinema fuck it up. More: CNN

Note two: If you’re picking Joe Rogan over Neil Young, you need to get your life right. Hell, if you’re choosing Joe Rogan over Freddie Young, you need to get your life right. You probably don’t know Freddie, but he sucks. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note three: Biden is headed to NYC next week to talk gun crime with new Mayor Eric Adams. We don’t know quite what to make of Adams, but this is the right move for Biden. More: ABC News

Note four: Here’s some good news. But only if you’re Hitler Youth. Seriously, get your fucking shit together, Tennessee. Nashville and Memphis are too fucking cool to be surrounded by this garbage. More: TN Holler

Note five: Why don’t we refer to Tucker Carlson as a serial killer? Because we’re too busy calling him a candy-fucker. More: Washington Post

Note six: Here’s how you get your free N95 masks. We hate to see you cover up that gorgeous mug, but we want you to be safe. More: NPR

Note seven: Ron Johnson is probably too goddamn dumb to be the devil, but he sure is evil. More: American Independent

Note eight: Madison Cawthorn is claiming Confederate status to be able to run for office. That ain’t exactly what’s happening, but it’s close enough we feel comfortable being gross the hell out about it. More: Talking Points Memo

Note nine: We’re having trouble getting down with Jeopardy the way we did when Alex was still alive, but this was a helluva streak. More: Associated Press

Note 10: It’s probably time to free this guy. More: Huff Post

Note 11: The last two days we’ve been a tad concerned about Herschel Walker’s $5 million fundraising haul and his one-point lead in a Q poll. And we’re gonna stay worried. But it’s sure encouraging to see the massive tally Raphael Warnock put up. More: AJC

Note 12: Abortion is illegal in Texas now. And it’s hurting people. More: NBC News

Note 13: Florida Republicans are… we don’t have the words. Yeah, us. We don’t have the words. What a fucking mess. More: TampaBay.com

Note 14: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha More: CNN

Note 15: Dan Bogino got permanently suspended from YouTube. Sad face. More: The Hill

Note 16: We are pretty skeptical and sometimes nasty to Merrick Garland, but we’re impatient people and we want results. So we have to take a moment here to say this is really good and really important. More of this please. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Wow. This is some important journalism. Washington doesn’t talk nearly enough about the Capitol police officers who took their own lives after Jan. 6. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day. Republicans are calling it “Thursday.” More: Associated Press

Note 19: HOLY SHIT! A record 14.5 million Americans signed up for Obamacare this year. Thanks, Joe! More: Washington Post

Bye-r

As y’all know by now, Justice Stephen Breyer finally got the fucking hint and is retiring at the end of this term. This is pretty damn big. We covered this pretty well in the opening note, but it seemed like it should go down here too. All indications are the White House and Senate Democrats are gonna move super fact to fill the seat. If we’re ever gonna clean up that court, it starts here. Here’s a bunch of links. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, NBC News, NBC News II

Yikes

So we’ve talked about it for a while now, but Matt Gaetz appears to be in some seriously deep shit. It looks like there’s a second witness who’s saying that Gaetz knew he was raping a minor. Even for the GOP, this is some horrific and messed up shit. If they have an ounce of decency, they’ll at least boot his disgusting ass from the House Judiciary Committee. So he’s probably not going anywhere. Except jail. More: The Daily Beast

Boom

The U.S. economy grew 5.7 percent in 2021. Wow. That’s like really good, y’all. In fact, it’s the fastest since 1984. In the last quarter of last year? 6.9 percent. Nice! This will of course mean nothing to a Trump-loving Washington press corps, but we see you, Mr. President. More: Washington Post, CNN

Today’s clips

​​New congressional maps are completed in more than half the country, and so far Democrats have been spared the redistricting losses they endured a decade ago, a small mercy for their efforts to cling to their fragile House majority.

But advocates for voting rights say that raw political calculation overshadows another reality — how map drawers have manipulated the lines mostly at the expense of minorities. More: Washington Post