Today’s Big Stuff 12.7.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 699 days until the presidential election. SCOTUS hears a scary one, Mitch McConnell has treason cooties and guilty, guilty, guilty.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. Today it’s happy cussing. So more like “fuck yeah!” than “fuck no!”

Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy fucking shit!!!! We did it!!! Y’all might just be the baddest motherfuckers on the planet. They came for our county, and you said HELL NO!!!

Woohoo!!! Damn right!!! We’re so happy to see a great man win a race he should have won. We are still however quite freaked out that it was even this close. There are just parts of America that are really dumb and scary, and we know that now and we know we must be vigilant. We can’t express our gratitude enough for the thousands of badass America-loving freedom fighters who spent the last few weeks knocking on doors, making phone calls and giving money to help us expand our Senate majority.

It is our great hope that Herschel Walker will no go straight to therapy (after heading straight to his home in Texas) because that dumb sonofabitch has some real fucking problems. Hope y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Maybe we were too harsh on Herschel. Let’s check in with his family…

Note three: We’re gonna come back to the Georgia race, but did you see this crazy shit about the German Jan. 6 plot?! Pretty fucking terrifying. Thank goodness Germany takes this shit more seriously than we do. Well these days anyway. More: CNN

Note four: This needs to be said — congratulations to Sen. Gary Peters and the team at the DSCC. Y’all did the impossible, and we are damn grateful.

Note five: Has anyone seen Lindsey Graham today? Is he still crying? LOLOL!!!

Note six: So here’s the latest on Elon and Hunter Biden’s penis… We’re just kidding. We absolutely don’t give a single fuck what that weird coked out d-bag is up to. And we ain’t talking about Hunter. NO LINK

Note seven: Did y’all see that Vice President Harris is going to swear in Los Angeles Mayor-elect Karen Bass? We hear they’re charging Rick Caruso another $100 million to attend. More: CNN

Note eight: Hey, so you might have seen some truly awful news about one of Ted Cruz’s family members. And as much as we hate that sick fuck, we’re not going to pile on. Here is the number for the suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255. We need you here, Sexy Patriots.

Note nine: It looks like Democrats are folding on vaccine requirements for the military, and honestly everything about this is just so fucking stupid. More: WSJ

Note 10: So let’s check in and see how Trump did this cycle…

Note 11: Senate Democrats have already confirmed 90 judges. Thanks to Georgia, we’re about to confirm a helluva lot more.

Note 12: Oh and by the way, we just won subpoena power.

Note 13: We want to offer our congratulations to the police officers who were honored with the Congressional Gold Medal yesterday. We’ll talk more about it in the news section, but we feel like we can’t talk about it enough. More: NYT

Note 14: A bunch of big name brands found their shit being advertised on white nationalist accounts thanks to Elon Musk. Here’s a tip — block every single promoted tweet you see. Make these companies pay for advertising with the KKK. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Well would you look at that. Time actually got this one right.

Note 16: Did you see that new special counsel Jack Smith sent subpoenas to a bunch of swing states asking for any and all communications with one Donald J. Trump? The orange assface is not having a good time these days. More: HuffPost

Note 17: LOLOL. Kevin McCarthy is having a really hard time finding the votes to be speaker, and now he has an announced challenger. Fucking hilarious. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The Jan. 6 committee now says it will make criminal referrals to DOJ. We get the concern and skepticism here, but we think it’s a good thing they turn over everything they find and that Congress make some kind of judgment on this. More: NBC News

Note 19: Now that the Georgia run-off is done, we’re eager to turn our full attention to making cookies and watching holiday movies. Ok fine you got us. Eating cookies and watching holiday movies. Just a reminder that we’ll be off this Friday and every Friday for the rest of the year.

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news. Yesterday was a horrible fucking day for Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump, and that’s why we have these giant fucking smiles on our faces. We hope y’all are having a great week!

Scary SCOTUS

So while we were writing this morning, the Supreme Court was hearing arguments about the independent legislature theory. You’ve probably heard of this scary shit before, but basically it would make corrupt and heavily gerrymandered state legislatures the ultimate arbiter of voting rules and election results for their state. It’s basically taking your vote away and giving it to some cheap politician in the statehouse. The good news is even this broken ass court seems skeptical. The bad news is this broken ass court even took it up to begin with.

More: CNN

No thanks, treason turtle

If you haven’t seen this clip of Officer Brian Sicknick’s family refusing to shake Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy’s hands at the gold medal ceremony yesterday, then you are really missing out.

Thank you to that brave family. For their sacrifice and for making clear just who the fuck caused it.

GUILTY!!!

The Trump Organization was found guilty as fuck (that’s a legal term) yesterday after years of tax fraud. Trump’s CFO took the fall, but this is a conviction of that whole fucked up family. Trump of course lost his shit. Or what little he had left. And that’s all we’re gonna say because between this and Georgia, we’ve got some fucking celebrating to do. Kiss our asses, Donnie!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

A North Carolina county rocked by electricity outages after shootings targeting two power substations damaged critical infrastructure will have power restored by Wednesday evening, the utility company said. More: HuffPost

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