Today's Big Stuff 1.26.22

1.26.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 286 days until the midterm elections. An SP is running for re-election, a hero speaks and DOJ is looking at those fake electors.

Be advised: We are not Politico Playbook. We cuss, we spell shit wrong, we’re not brought to you by Lockheed-Martin and we have soles.

Note: Hey hey, Sexy Patriots! Happy Hump Day and Wayne Gretzky’s birthday to you. Don’t ask about the second one because we can’t explain it. Just a weird obscure thing we remember. Like for example did you know that Kid Rock’s real name is Dick Smalls? It’s not really. It’s actually Kidulous Ameilia Rockens III. No, we’re still kidding. It’s actually Bob Richie. We’re no longer kidding. Pretty lame though, right? Sounds like a dude you’d catch sniffing the rental bowling shoes. They should call him Kid Rockn’t.

Anyway the poet laureate of people who have no idea what the fuck a poet laureate is has a new “song” out that includes chants of “Let’s Go Brandon,” attacks on Dr. Fauci and detailed instructions on the best say to have sex with a farm animal but that last one is only if you play it backwards. Yeah, but it gets better. (It would have to, right?) Mr. Rock then says we should all come together and be unified as Americans. Motherfucker, we ain’t coming together and unifying with you without 20 more boosters and a suit made out of tetanus shots.

The thing to remember about Bob Richie is he’s a punk ass poser kid from the Detroit burbs who has long pretended to be some kind of redneck badass. But please never ever forget that he once kissed Mittens Romney’s ass. It’s true! He appeared and performed at soooo many campaign events! Can you imagine? Singing Born Free over and over again to elect Mitt Romney president?! Oh god it’s hilarious! What a wank. Yeah, apparently before he became such a red-hatted big mouth badass, Mr. Bob Richie liked the taste of cowardly RINO ass so much he basically went all Cusack in Say Anything over it. LOL. Yeah, we see you tough guy. So anyway, if you’re driving in your car and you hear something that sounds like Sean Hannity fucking a Waffle House handdryer, be sure to tell us what you think of Kid Rockn’t’s latest. More: Rolling Stone

Note two: We really made ourselves laugh with that Kid Rockn’t shit.

Note three: Holy hell this is what we should’ve led with. Poor Rudy can’t give his documents to Dominion for their lawsuit because the FBI already took everything. This is like when Rudes explained he couldn’t take a poop because he’d already done so out of his forehead. More: Business Insider

Note four: Wasn’t there a time when it would have been a big deal that the most popular cable host in the country is a pro-Russian stooge? More: The Daily Beast, Vox

Note five: Especially when so much intense shit is going down? More: CNN, CNN II

Note six: Congrats, everybody! We still won Wisconsin. More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Note seven: Because the Supreme Court is broken and terrible, Biden pulled the vaccine mandate. The good news is smart businesses are still doing it. More: CNN, CNN II

Note eight: Things do not seem to be going well for Matt Gaetz. We’d play the world’s tiniest violin for him, but we’re afraid he’d try to have sex with it. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: It’s good to see the president out promoting a strong economy. But um how the hell does he eat all that ice cream and not gain a thousand pounds? A couple of ice cream junkies would like to know. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Speaking of good economic news, look at all these jobs Democrats are bringing to Michigan! More: Detroit Free Press

Note 11: Ron DeSantis is so dumb he’d get lost in a phone booth. And that’s hard to do because you don’t really see that many phone booths anymore. More: Yahoo News

Note 12: Republicans are super desperate to bring back smallpox to own the libs. More: Washington Post

Note 13: Ugh. We are losing so many Democratic House members to retirement. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 14: With all the Ted Cruzes and Rand Pauls in the world, we sometimes forget what a miserable piece of shit Rick Scott is. More: Huff Post

Note 15: We’re really glad to see at least one Washington media type remembers the racist shit McConnell said last week. More: Washington Post

Note 16: The seditionists pleaded not guilty to sedition. We think they’re lying. More: CNN

Note 17: These Jan. 6 assholes sure are pleading the fifth a lot. It’s probably because they have a lot to hide. More: CNN

Note 18: It’s really terrifying to think about what the days after elections are gonna look like now. More: Detroit Free Press

Note 19: Great news. RFJ Jr. apologized for being the absolute fucking worst. Except he’s done it before, he’ll do it again and it was a shit apology. More: Associated Press

Note 20: Ok, SPs, let’s get our fine asses to the news, shall we? And also, if Kid Rock is reading this… we heard it. Nevermind. Y’all have a great day!

SP!

No, not a sexy patriot. Well kinda. We’re talking about Speaker Pelosi and she’s running for re-election. The most successful speaker of the House in American history announced yesterday that like Terminator, she’ll be back. We love to see it. More: CNN

Hero

Officer Eugene Goodman, who saved many U.S. Senators who may or may not have deserved saving, spoke out in an interview for the first time this week. On a podcast, Goodman said that the whole deal could’ve been a “bloodbath,” and he said he doens’t want a statue because he doesn’t want birds shitting on him. Can we make this guy a Senator or is he too smart and courageous? More: Buzzfeed News

Hell yeah

Deputy AG Lisa Monaco confirmed yesterday that the department is investigating those fake electors that Republicans in seven states were gonna use as part of their coup. The reality is pretty simple — if Justice doesn’t punish these fuckers, then they will be back and they’ll probably get away with it. So as an arena full of scum once said, lock them up. More: CNN, Washington Post

Today’s clips

President Biden's advisers are crafting a plan to accelerate bringing potentially thousands of Afghans to the U.S. from Qatar, according to a source with direct knowledge of the administration's internal deliberations on the subject. More: Axios

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