Today's Big Stuff 12.6.22

12.6.22

It’s Tuesday. It’s Election Day in Georgia. Republicans keep threatening social security and medicare, Sam Alito is a real a-hole and Rupert is going under oath. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it secretly has a heart of fucking gold.

Note: Ok, Sexy Patriots, this is it. The last big election of the year is here, and we just know the people of Georgia are turning out to bring this motherfucker home for Rev. Warnock. Sorry for the language, Rev. And as nervous-excited as we are for tonight, we still can’t help but ponder how the hell this shit is this close. I mean listen to this fucking guy…

Ok, we were wrong. Dude has US Senator written all over him. Presumably so he can remember what job he’s running for. Early in this race, we said we weren’t gonna make fun of Herschel anymore because he very obviously has brain damage and Republicans should be ashamed for running him.

But his hypocrisy on abortion, his grotesque attacks on Warnock and the way he treats women and his kids made us so fucking angry we decided to full on Fuck Herschel Walker mode. So fuck that piece of shit. He is the dumbest fucking dumbshit to ever get dumbshat out of the dumbshittery and land in a pile of dumbshit. So bring this home today, Georgia. Have a blessed day.

Note two: While we’re cussing out MAGA celebs, allow us to say a word about Kirstie Alley. Alley died of cancer yesterday at 71. How should we talk about it? On the one hand she was a beloved actress in a show we really fucking loved. On the other hand she was a cruel Trump-lover who said lots and lots and lots of stupid shit. We’re feeling good today, so we’re just gonna say RIP and move on. But when Kevin Sorbo dies, we’re using that motherfucker’s grave as a goddamn toilet. More: Vice

Note three: Just a heads up that we’re taking Friday off this week. Truth be told, we’ll probably be taking Fridays off for the rest of the year as we recharge the batteries to get ready for the really really stupid fight against House Republicans.

Note four: Here’s the least shocking news of the day — Elon Musk is accused of torturing animals. We are frankly shocked that we haven’t found out that he hunts humans and wears their skin. What a psycho shithead. More: Reuters

Note five: Btw, both Apple and Amazon are advertising on twitter again. Just in case you thought any of those sick fucks had a soul.

Note six: If today wasn’t an election day, then you can bet your sweet ass the opening note would’ve been about Rudy Giuliani. Yes, the cousin-fucking face-pooper did what he does best yesterday and embarrassed the living hell out of himself. He’s like the Evel Kneivel of crapping his pants in public. Each time is more impressive and shocking.

Note seven: LOLOL. Two watches? How? Rudy’s disciplinary hearing is continuing today. He basically just keeps lying, saying he was incompetent and accusing everyone of cheating. We anticipate more forehead diarrhea at some point. More: CNN

Note eight: CNN is reporting that Speaker Pelosi will bring up the marriage protection bill on Thursday. Is it a perfect bill? No it is fucking not. But this is still something to be proud of and to celebrate. 

Note nine: Capitol police officers are getting the Congressional Gold Medal today for stopping the Republican attack on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021. This should be a very embarrassing and politically fraught day for House Republicans, but the press sucks and really they are all very embarrassing and politically fraught days for House Republicans. More: NBC News

Note 10: We are so lucky to have this young fella in our caucus.

Note 11: Did we just say “young fella?” Oof. TBS is getting old.

Note 12: Marco Rubio’s close close friend just got arrested. Bet liddle Marco is sweating so much he’s gonna get dehydrated again. More: CBS News

Note 13: The Biden administration announced yesterday it will extend protected status for Haitians. This is what a good and compassionate super power does. More: NBC News

Note 14: Welp, we found some of that voter fraud they keep talking about. The call was coming from inside the house. Times Free Press

Note 15: Warnock got Jermaine Dupri. Herschel got Lindsey Graham. So we already won part of this thing.

Note 16: Did y’all see that Ukraine is launching attacks in Russia? LOLOL. Fuck yeah. More: Reuters

Note 17: We saw yesterday that John Bolton is thinking about running for president and we laughed so hard some pee came out. It’s like when we heard that Larry Hogan might run and our first question was who the fuck is Larry Hogan?

Note 18: Wanna see something fucking awesome?

Note 19: We just want to say a giant THANK YOU to every single person who pitched in and helped out in Georgia. It sure seems to us like the Republican Party has pissed off America, and that was a big fucking mistake. Let’s bring it home!

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news. We hope your week is off to a good start, we hope you enjoyed today’s newsletter and we hope we never have to hear another fucking word from Herschel Walker after today. Love y’all!

Goddamnit

Republicans are continuing to make clear that they will hold the economy hostage so they can cut social security and medicare. We’re not sure why this isn’t a bigger deal, but what the fuck. The White House is convinced that this will backfire on Republicans with voters, and maybe it will. But how much fucking damage will they do while that’s happening? Of course, we’re far from sure McCarthy is gonna be the next speaker. These motherfuckers can’t count, so they probably can’t count votes. More: CNN

Fuck Sam (no, not this one)

*Editors note: Adam LOL'd upon reading this headline

Sam Alito is the scum of the earth. How do we know? Well to begin with, he helped strip basic human rights from millions of Americans and then made jokes about it. Well chucklehead’s comedy tour continued yesterday during oral arguments in a case SCOTUS took up just so they can vote to allow discrimination. Dickface thought it was funny to “joke” to Justice Kagan about whether she knows the adult site AshleyMadison.com and about Black children dressed up in KKK robes. Our highest court is a goddamn disaster. The good news is they’re very obvious about it. More: Huff Post

Eat shit, Rupe

Rupert Murdoch, destroyer of worlds, is going under oath. Yeah, the 200-year-old vampire whose empire of sleaze has almost wrecked the free world, is getting deposed about his networks’ lies. Well some of them anyway. Rupe is set to be deposed in Dominion’s $1.6 billion defamation case against Fox. We hope Dominion takes that dirty evil motherfucker for everything he’s got. More: CNN

Today’s clips

Incarcerated lawyer Michael Avenatti was sentenced in Southern California on Monday to 14 years in prison and ordered to pay $7 million in restitution after admitting he cheated four of his clients out of millions of dollars. More: Huff Post

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