Today's Big Stuff 12.6.21

12.6.21

It’s Monday. There are 337 days until the midterm elections. The press is harder on Biden than they were on Trump, generals are accused of lying about Jan. 6 and the next presidential election is already being rigged.

Be advised: You might think we’d cuss less during the holiday season. You also might think we’d be better about spelling stuff right. Well, you’d be pretty fucking wrong about bath.

Note: Ho-Ho-Holy fucking shit, sexy patriots, are we glad to see you. We missed y’all this weekend, and we’re damn happy to be back with you. How did you spend your weekend? Did you rustle the family out of bed, make some hot chocolate, decorate and sing carols and then get out weapons of war like the ones used in last week’s school shooting and then take some really fucked up pictures with your fucked up family to show everyone the true meaning of Christmas — mowing down your fellow Americans with a goddamn M-60 machine gun? If you said yes, then you must be Congressman Thomas Massie and we’re damn surprised to learn that you’re a subscriber. Frankly if we didn’t know you went to MIT, we’d be surprised your dumb ass could read at all.

Here’s what we don’t get — aren’t these deranged toothy assholes supposed to love Christmas? So why the hell do they look like they want to shoot Santa, eat his reindeer and pick their teeth with Rudolph’s antlers? Well, here at TBS, we actually do love Christmas. In fact, we love Christmas so much that this year we’re trying to have sex with it.

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re so good looking and please just stop right now because this is fucked up even for y’all. Well, you’re probably right about both, but we just can’t help it. They want a War on Christmas, and we want to make love not war. So we’re gonna make love to Christmas, and it’s gonna be hot as fuck. What y’all saw mommy doing with Santa underneath the mistletoe wasn’t shit compared to what’s about to go down. The elf on the shelf is gonna want to close his eyes or run some errands for about an hour. And if the idea of one or both of us humping a fucking Christmas tree until all the ornaments are broken seems upsetting or disgraceful or gross or just plain fucking stupid, please remember it could be worse — we could be an actual member of Congres standing next to the goddamn thing with a fucking machine gun. So let’s lock the doors, turn on some music and deck the shit out of these halls. More: CNN

Note: LOL y’all were right — that was fucked up even for us. Quite a way to start the week. But what can we say, we really love this time of year. And honestly, it was way worse before we took out about a dozen euphemisms and double-entendres that would’ve made it impossible to ever look at a candy cane the same way again. Hope y’all are having a great Monday!

Note three: Ok, we’ll stop creeping y’all out and talk about politics. Bob Dole died. Some people were really sad because he was a different kind of Republican. We remember him calling himself a “Trumper.” So like Clairee in Steel Magnolias, we’ll just say that “if you can’t say anything nice about someone, come sit next to me.” More: New York Times

Note four: We love that movie, and we’re never ever gonna stop quoting it.

Note five: Sidney Powell’s group raised $14 million to try and overturn our elections. Who are the people giving this money and how do we get in on stealing from them too? More: Washington Post

Note six: David Perdue announced a primary challenge to Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp. You might remember Perdue as the ass we just whooped earlier this year. Kelly Loeffler announced today that she is still just awful. More: CNN

Note seven: Republican leaders are killing their own people with COVID. We feel so owned. More: NPR

Note eight: Thank goodness they caught these fuckers before they got to the parents of the year award ceremony. It was held at Mar-a-Lago. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: WaPo lays out just how many people Trump endangered after his positive COVID test. We really wish Biden had smacked him on this instead of giving him a pass. That damn high road is gonna eat us alive. More: Washington Post

Note 10: This note is for Chris Cuomo — TBS ain’t hiring. More: NPR

Note 11: President Biden is going to announce a diplomatic boycott of the Beijing Olympics. This 100 percent the right thing to do. More: CNN

Note 12: Republicans treat Ashli Babbit like a hero while Democrats are afraid to mention the name Reality Winner. Let’s do better. More: CBS News

Note 13: The answer to this headline is “Because they always have.” More: AJC

Note 14: Hell yes! Good for Rep. Ilhan Omar for calling out Kevin McCarthy as both “a liar and a coward.” More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: About a million more jobs have been added to the economy this year than previously estimated. That seems like something important that reporters might want to include in their stories about jobs reports. More: CNBC

Note 16: So we’re expecting a Russian invasion of Ukraine. That doesn’t seem great. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Of course it will be worse because Republicans and Fox will be rooting for Russia and are hamstringing the U.S. government. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Here’s today’s reminder that Facebook is absolute hot summer garbage. More: CNN

Note 19: It sure doesn’t seem all that fucking copacetic that Trump’s lawyers are all taking the Fifth. Please tell us we’re gonna make these sonsofbitches do this on camera for the public to see. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Wanna see something way more creepy than our opening note? Then check out Madison Cawthorn calling women “earthen vessels.” More: Second Nexus

Note 21: And on that note, let’s get our hot asses to the news, shall we? Also, if you stuck with us after that opening note, thank you. We hope y’all have a wonderful week.

Watchdogshit

WaPo’s Dana Milbank, who frankly we didn’t know had it in him, came out firing over the weekend with a column that uses data to make the case that the Beltway press has been harder on Biden than they were on Trump. Instead of reflecting on that and considering whether it was really fucked up to write multiple stories about whether Biden talks about his dead kids too much, CNN and Politico reporters have been telling us how outraged they are by Milbank’s columns. Here’s an idea — defend democracy as much as much as you defend yourselves. More: Washington Post

AWOL

A D.C. guard staff advocate general says that two generals, including Mike Flynn’s fucking brother, lied to Congress about preventing national guardsmen from entering the

Capitol on Jan. 6. Gosh, this seems really fucking bad to us and maybe like we shouldn’t have promoted Charlie Flynn as just the bare goddamn minimum. More: Rolling Stone

Coup Part Deux

The Atlantic has a good look at what the next coup attempt will look like. The AP has a story about how Trumpers in Wisconsin are trying to change how elections work there. The NYT has a story on the one law we desperately need to change. Oh and then there’s a story about how the Jan. 6 committee is postponing more depositions because apparently they have all the time in the world. More: The Atlantic, Associated Press, New York Times, CNN

Today’s clips

Since launching her mayoral campaign in September, U.S. Rep Karen Bass has picked up copious endorsements, not to mention more than $1 million in donations. Yesterday, she secured another important bit of momentum: the backing of highly respected Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff.

More: LA Mag

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