Today's Big Stuff 1.25.22

1.25.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 287 days until the midterm elections. The world laughs at JD Vance, Georgia appears to be coming for Trump and Virginia is getting scary.

Be advised: So y’all know we cuss and misspell a lot of shit, but today is over the top even for us. We’re talking some super frucked up shet. 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We’ll give y’all one guess what we’re gonna talk about today. Yeah, it’s been almost 24 hours since our president called a stupid sonofabitch a stupid sonofabitch, but we want to talk about it anyway. As y’all might imagine, we were delighted to hear Peter Doocy get called out for his stupidity. No. Sorry. We were fucking delighted. We were less delighted when President Biden called him and apologized a little later on, but we also understand that Joe ain’t as foul-mouthed or as petty or as sexy as us. Well not as foul-mouthed or petty anyway.

As y’all well know Peter “Stupidsonofbitch” Doocy is the son of Steve “The ‘Bitch’ in Question” Doocy. They both work at Fox. They are the worst and the worst’s son, second worst. What you might not know though is the Doocys (Doocies? Doocii?) have a long history of making fools of themselves in this country going back to Benedict Doocy who is famous for shitting himself in a public manner at the start of the Revolutionary War before offering to defect to the British and being told politely “no thank you.” He spent the rest of his days being mocked by George Washington’s press secretary for sport. Their great-great-great-great grandfather Abraham Doocy is best known for lurking around outhouses because he enjoyed the smell. Maybe it’s hereditary.

So in the end, it was probably the right thing to do for the president to take the high road and apologize. It’s not our style, but we can sure appreciate taking one look at that dude’s family tree and wanting to give him a break. So good on you, Joe. And thanks for the laughs.

Note two: Btw we wrote and deleted about a dozen jokes about how the Doocys look like talking penises because we decided to be like the president and take the high road. All class around here. It’s also why we’re not telling you what Tucker Carlson was doing with a bag of M&Ms when he found out what had happened. But let’s just say yikes. More: CNN

Note three: Speaking of stupid sonsofbitches at Fox, why the hell doesn’t Tucker just move to Russia? Isn’t what they’d be asking us if we were kissing the ass of another country? More: Business Insider

Note four: Trump’s social media soon-to-be failure is trying to sign up influencers. They haven’t asked us to join yet, but we’ve got our new handle ready to go. @TrumpfuckshisdaughterandAmerica. You like it? More: Axios

Note five: Wow. Biden’s mask and test deliveries are massively popular and he probably should’ve done this shit last year. More: Axios

Note six: It’s pretty hilarious that one of the coup attempt lawyers tried to hide the coup emails from the university that for some reason employs him and the university was like nope he needs to turn that shit over. More: CNN, CNN II

Note seven: If you’re looking for a race to get involved in, the Pennsylvania Guv race is one of the most important ones going. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note eight: Holy shit is that hope in Alabama?! A federal judge said no to the congressional lines they’d drawn, and we might be a second majority Black congressional seat in the state. More: Montgomery Advertiser

Note nine: Vice President Harris is headed to Wisconsin to talk lead pipes. We love that she’s on the road telling Americans what the administration has done so far. More: NBC News

Note 10: Florida Republicans haven’t killed enough people with their COVID bullshit to satisfy their bloodlust, so now they’re trying to increase LGBTQ+ suicide rates. Goddamn we hate these sick fucks. Big thanks to Chasten Buttigieg for speaking up. More: Washington Post, The Hill

Note 11: Matt Gaetz seems to be holding up well under the scrutiny of being an accused child rapist. Actually no, no he doesn’t. More: Raw Story

Note 12: We also want to see Clarence Thomas impeached. But let’s be honest. After all, Louis DeJoy went to work today just like every day. More: New Republic

Note 13: Don’t sleep on what Biden is doing with the Judiciary. More: 19th News

Note 14: This should really be in the news section, but as we keep saying, shit is getting real in Ukraine. More: CNN

Note 15: This probably goes without saying, but we’re Team Neil Young over Team Joe Rogan. This would be an easy call regardless, but Rogan’s whole drink-your-own-piss mentality made it even easier. More: Rolling Stone

Note 16: Who would you like to see Joe Biden cuss out today? Shoot us a note and let us know.

Note 17: Ok, SPs, we’re gonna get our hot asses to the news a few notes early today. We hope your week is off to a great start, and if you see Peter Doocy, well, you know what to say. We love y’all. Stay safe and sexy.

Oh JD

LOLOL. The Jewish Space Lasers lady endorsed J.D. Vance this morning. LOLOL. That dude can’t fall far enough fast enough. He’s like a week away from kissing Lauren Boebert’s gross ass. As CNN’s Andrew Kaczynski pointed out: “Vance went from Aspen Institute Panels, a CNN job and Manhattan book parties to touting the endorsement of the person who previously wrote ‘pizzagate is real’ and endorsed executing Democrats on Facebook and Twitter.” Congrats, JD. More: The Hill

The devil shouldn’t have gone down to Georgia

It’s a long subhed, but we like it. Some judges down in the Peach State have cleared the way for a Fulton County DA to empanel a grand jury to take a hard look at the shit Trump and Lindsey Graham pulled down there after the election. Thank goodness there are still some people trying to hold these fuckers accountable. More: AJC, Washington Post, Associated Press

Yikes

Yesterday we wrote that Virginia is becoming Florida and a proud Virginia TBSer wrote us and said that shit ain’t happening. And frankly we needed to hear that because Glen Trumpkin is a terrifying disaster so far. He wants to turn kids into spies and even has a tipline for them to rat out their teachers if they accidentally teach them that slavery was bad or some shit. We do want to thank Glen though for making it clear that there’s no such thing as a moderate Republican. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Daily Mail

Today’s clips

The network, Real America’s Voice, helped sustain Bannon despite his removal from YouTube, Spotify and other mainstream platforms. It brings his show into as many as 8 million homes hooked up to Dish satellite television, many in rural, conservative areas without reliable cable coverage. More: Washington Post

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