Today's Big Stuff 12.5.22

12.5.22  

It’s Monday. There is ONE DAY until the Georgia Senate run-off. A presidential candidate calls for terminating the Constitution, a billionaire uses twitter to attack an American president’s family and a scary week at the Supreme Court.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. For example, we might say Herschel Walker is a fucking scumbag.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell was your weekend? That good, huh? Yeah, it was pretty awesome for us. Except for those troubling headlines yesterday. Oh you didn’t see them? Well apparently Donald Trump was arrested for humping the Statue of Liberty's leg and then shitting on one of her feet. Witnesses said the former president was easily identifiable by his bright orange face and shockingly tiny and obviously malfunctioning weiner. When reached for comment, the Statue of Liberty said she didn’t feel a thing. 

Now did this happen? No. But the shit that did is just as crazy and so why the fuck isn’t everyone acting like it? This deranged motherfucker is using a newly weaponized twitter to call for getting rid of the fucking U.S. Constitution!!! Isn’t that just as shocking as his dumb ass trying to fuck a giant statue before shitting on her feet?! 

You often hear people say “duh big surprise” every time there’s a new and shocking Trump assault on American values. Well we don’t know about y’all, but we hope we never stop being shocked by this egregious shit. So fuck Trump, fuck the news media who treat this nightmare like it’s normal and someone for the love of god please get a bucket of soap and water and clean that poor lady’s foot. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just a quick word of thanks. Last week we shared plans to launch a weekly YouTube show, and we were blown away by the response. Y’all are just so fucking awesome. We’re still putting everything together, but we will keep you updated as we go. 

Note three: IT’S ALMOST HERE!!!! Georgia goes to the polls tomorrow to decide between a reverend/senator combo and a guy who beats women and pays for lots of abortions. When we put it like that, we really wonder how the fuck this thing went to a run-off.

Note four: Polls are showing Warnock with a 3-4 point lead and we Democrats have worked our asses off to build a significant early vote lead. But ignore that shit and do what you can to turn people out tomorrow. 

Note five: Obviously our Politico boycott is still on, but we thought you should see this. There’s a reason Herschel can’t talk to anyone without Lindsey Graham pulling the strings. 

Note six: And just a reminder, Herschel Walker is an actual fucking monster. 

Note seven: While we’re writing, Rudy Pooliani is getting his lunch eaten at a disciplinary hearing. It couldn’t happen to a nicer cousin-fucking traitor who shits out of his own forehead. More: CNN

Note eight: Secretary of State Anthony Blinken said the US is still “actively engaged” in trying to get Brittney Griner home. We damn well better be. More: CBS News

Note nine: Well this one hurts. RIP to OG Sesame Street cast member Bob McGrath. More: CNN

Note 10: Last night at the Kennedy Center Honors, Paul Pelosi joined his wife. Great to see him out and about. More: CNN

Note 11: Also, POTUS said what needed to be said about the incomparable Gladys Knight. 

Note 12: Arizona is certifying its election results today. We’re sure Kari Lake and the rest of the freaks will take it really well. More: NPR

Note 13: So we’re still waiting for the full story, but it sure looks like there was a domestic terrorist attack in Moore County, N.C. Yeah, someone shot the goddamn power stations, and there are suggestions that they did it to stop a drag show. As usual, the cops look both complicit and incompetent. We’ll be watching this one. More: BBC

Note 14: Did y’all root for the US in the World Cup this weekend? Sucked to fall short, but it sure was cool to be chanting U-S-A again. We hadn’t done that since Biden got elected.

Note 15: Lara Trump lost her job at Fox. She’s lucky she still gets paid to be married to Eric. More: Washington Post

Note 16: Well, we finally got those sick fucks to tell us what woke means. And it’s exactly what we thought…

Note 17: Inflation is easing up. WaPo reports that prices are down on everything from gas to chicken wings. Thanks, Dark Brandon. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Never forget…

Note 19: Chris Christie’s niece seems like an absolutely horrible person who would absolutely be related to Chris Christie. Who the fuck bites someone? More: NBC News

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s go do some news and then let’s go win Georgia!!!! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend. Let’s make it a great week! Love y’all!

‘What the fuck?!

As we mentioned in the opening note, this weekend former President Donald Trump called to be installed as president, saying that fraud from the 2020 election that didn’t exist means the Constitution should be terminated. This is very real. This is what he said. It’s scary as fuck and the New York Times ran it on Page A13. How many more times does he have to attack the US before the press starts to take it seriously? More: NBC News

Elonutjob

So why was Trump calling for terminating the Constitution? Because on Friday night, Elon Musk, desperate to change the subject from how he’s turning twitter into a nazi playground, released a bunch of internal communications to a corrupt former reporter about the Hunter Biden laptop. The long and short of it (we’re sorry) is that Elon and Republicans think America should’ve been forced to see Hunter Biden’s dick pics. Yeah, they think this is the crime of the century. Frankly, we’re pretty fucking concerned to see the new owner of twitter is worse than fucking wikileaks. More: The Bulwark 

Scary SCOTUS

As we write, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments in a case about a woman who doesn’t want to be forced to design websites for gay people or some shit. The fucked up thing is nobody asked her to. But this court is prioritizing bigotry, and sometimes you have to break a few rules to do that. The court will also hear arguments this week in the independent state legislature case that should scare the living shit out of all of us. Imagine your vote being taken away and given to some cheap state rep. But remember — this court ain’t political. More: Vox, CNN

Today’s clips

Donald Trump failed to disclose a $19.8 million loan from a company with ties to North Korea while he was president, Forbes reported Sunday, citing documents uncovered by the New York attorney general’s office. More: Huff Post

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